The Kobayashi Maru
by wildcat7898
Summary: Uhura becomes the first officer of the Enterprise during Saavik's last year at the Academy. This follows "The Other Woman."
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Kobayashi Maru

Author: Wildcat

Series: TOS

Rating: M

Codes: S, U

Summary: Uhura becomes the first officer of the Enterprise during Saavik's last year at the Academy.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Kirk, Spock, Uhura, and company. I have just borrowed them for a while, and I will not profit from any of this.

This is part one of a four-part story. It's the next installment in my continuing Spock/Uhura universe, and it follows The Other Woman.

Feedback is desired.

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 1

Although it seemed like a lifetime since she had first taken that seat at the center of the bridge, Uhura remembered it well: the excitement warring with the nervousness, the heady sensation of knowing that finally you were there. She smiled gently as she looked at their young captain. His back was stiff and his voice was strained, but he retained his composure. Spock must be pleased with his student's performance.

She slid her eyes toward Spock. His hands clasped loosely behind his back, he stood, a calm and watchful island in the midst of a sea of eager activity. What was going through his mind right now? Was he as aware of her as she was of him? She had been stunned four days ago when she received her new orders, and she had tried her best since arriving yesterday to discuss them with him. It almost seemed that he had gone out of his way to avoid being alone with her, however.

Alone with his new first officer.

She shook her head, still unable to believe the rapid turn of events in her life. Only four days ago she had been busy in her role as second officer of the Lexington, unaware and unsuspecting of the life-altering missive that was traveling through space from receiver to receiver, boosted by the most innovative technologies of the 23rd century, streaming all the way from Starfleet Command to her own modest communications console on the Lexington. She, herself, had been on duty when it arrived, and she had routed it directly to her quarters without opening it. She had then promptly forgotten about it, assuming that it was yet another routine memo about some member of the Lexington's crew, or an action taking place so far away as to be meaningless to her. When she had finally found the time to hear it, she'd had to play it twice before the content penetrated her brain: she was to report to the Enterprise as the new first officer, effective immediately.

So, her mind whirling, she had packed up her belongings, said goodbye to her friends, and boarded the first shuttle headed toward Earth. The trip had been long, for the Lexington's current assignment had taken them to the furthest reaches of Federation territory, but finally she had arrived at Headquarters and accepted her new posting. That had happened last night. Since then, she'd been in a number of briefings with Spock and the other members of his senior crew, but she had not managed to find a second to be alone with him. To ask him why. Why? Why her, why now? A number of nasty rumors had drifted her way in the days before she received her orders, rumors about Spock and Helen, about a horrible scene and a vicious break-up. Although she discounted most of what she'd heard as too outlandish, it was clear that he and Helen were no longer a couple, and she couldn't help but think that there was a connection. He and Helen had been together for over two years. Seeing them after Spock's heart attack had persuaded Uhura that the tall, blonde archaeologist might be the woman Spock would choose for a life-mate, but evidently that wasn't to be the case. And here she was, Uhura herself, on board the Enterprise as his first officer within a week of that happening.

Her board beeped, and she quickly brought herself out of her reverie. Turning toward the young man in command, she said, "Captain, I'm receiving a message. It appears to be a distress call." She frowned as she ran her hands across her board. "I can hardly make it out."

The young man's eyes widened. "On speakers, Commander."

Crackling and popping, the disembodied voice floated onto the bridge. "Mayday, mayday. This is the Kobayashi Maru. I repeat, mayday, mayday. If you can hear me, please respond."

The young man addressed Uhura. "Open channel."

"Aye, sir." She transferred communication control to the center chair.

He leaned toward the arm of the chair. "Kobayashi Maru, this is Enterprise. We read. Repeat, we read. What is your status?"

"Enterprise! Maybe... not too late." The message faded in and out. "We hit... gravitic mine... hull breach... casualties. Our warp and impulse drives are inoperative... drifting. Quickly losing oxygen..." The static grew louder, all but drowning out the last words. "...please hurry..."

Uhura bent toward her board. "Captain, we lost them."

The captain turned to the helm. "Helmsman, check long-range scanners. What do you see?"

A rosy-cheeked young woman said, "High concentration of gases, hard to read... The Kobayashi Maru has drifted into the neutral zone, sir! I'm reading some other energy fluctuations, but I can't tell what they are."

"Could they be ships?"

"Possibly. I can't tell for certain."

Everyone waited while the captain thought about it. "Data on the Kobayashi Maru," he said.

Uhura watched a set of schematics flash onto the viewscreen while the computer's dispassionate voice recited the ship's statistics.

"Kobayashi Maru. Transport vehicle. Crew of fifty. Passenger roster of two hundred and five. Equipped with warp drive, no weapons capability."

"All right. We're going after them." The captain toggled a switch on the arm. "Sickbay, prepare to receive casualties. Helm, heading three three mark two, warp two. We'll go in quick and slip back out even quicker."

The young man at the science station said, "Captain, I have to remind you that we're in violation of neutral zone treaty if we do this."

"I know, Walken. We can't take the time to ask permission, however. You heard the message. They're running out of oxygen. The longer we wait, the more lives we endanger."

The science officer nodded and turned back to his display. "Entering neutral zone."

Everyone sat tensely, and all that could be heard was the background noise of the bridge. Even though Uhura knew what was coming, she found her heart beating faster. She remembered how she had felt when she sat in that center chair herself, more years ago than she cared to count.

The science officer's voice shattered the silence. "Captain! Klingon Birds of Prey, four of them, on a direct heading!"

"Raise shields. Distance to Kobayashi Maru."

The young man at the science station faltered, clearly shocked at the captain's refusal to turn back. "Uh, four minutes until we're within transporter range, but it has to be a trap, sir!"

"Arm phasers, but do not fire unless fired upon. Be prepared to drop shields on my mark, and beam aboard as many survivors as possible. If it looks like we're in a losing battle, we'll leave the neutral zone, but-"

"Klingons firing, Captain!"

Everyone braced themselves as the ship was hit by the concerted phaser fire of all four Klingon ships. Uhura fancied that she could feel the floor grow warmer beneath her feet, heated by the massive energy bursts that crackled around the ship's shields.

"Captain, shields at thirty percent, but holding. One more blast like that, however-"

"Understood. Fire at will. Time to transporter range?"

The helmsman glanced at her board. "Two minutes."

"Incoming phaser fire again, Captain!"

Uhura looked up at the sound of sparks on the other side of the bridge, and saw Scotty slump back in his seat. She fought back a smile at his performance. Surely he could do better than that! After all, he had just died, and one's own death called for a little more drama. Spock moved quickly to Scotty's side, checked for a pulse, then gently slid him onto the floor in order to take his seat.

She jerked back to her own station when the ship shuddered again, and even though she was expecting what happened next, she couldn't suppress an involuntary little shriek when her own board erupted in sparks. Here it was-her cue. She threw her arms back vigorously as if caught in the force of the blast, but she realized as her chair began to teeter that she'd gotten a little too carried away. Frantically kicking her feet, she tried to right herself, but it was too late. The chair thudded backwards with a resounding crash and threw her to the floor. Shit! Why weren't these chairs bolted to the deck like on a real ship? Feeling foolish, she closed her eyes and acted like she'd meant to do that all along.

She heard another board explode but didn't even try to peek as she fought to catch her breath. She'd hit the floor hard. Her shoulder hurt like hell, too. She didn't think she'd broken anything, but she was going to be stiff and sore when this was over.

As invariably happened, the final moments of the test dissolved into complete pandemonium. She heard the cadets at their various stations shouting, each trying to supply the captain with that one critical little bit of information that would make a difference. Uhura knew, though, that it was useless. The Klingons would continue to fire until Spock had mercy on his trainees and stopped the simulation.

After a few more shudders and crackling bursts of sparks, she heard the alarms fade and the simulator doors part. She opened her eyes to see the boy in the captain's chair blink stupidly, shocked to find himself dragged so rudely back to reality. No one moved except for Spock, who stepped carefully over Scotty and stood in the center of the bridge.

"Trainees. To the briefing room," he said.

They filed out, no one speaking, and Scotty chuckled as he stood and followed them. Pushing the chair out of the way with her feet, Uhura rolled onto her back but decided that maybe she'd just stay here for a moment longer. It still hurt too much to try to move. She covered her face with her hands and tried to get her bearings.

A shadow fell across her eyes, and she dropped her hands to see Spock towering over her with concern in his expression.

"Commander, are you injured?"

"No, I'm fine. I think. I just got a little over-enthusiastic with my acting."

He knelt next to her. "We have never suffered an actual casualty during the administration of the Kobayashi Maru test."

She grinned ruefully. "Oh, great. A first."

"Do you want me to call a doctor?"

Shaking her head, she pushed herself up to a sitting position. "No, really. I'm just a little sore."

He regarded her for a moment, then stood and extended a hand. She hesitated, but soon she reached out to him and found herself pulled firmly to her feet. He released her hand and bent to right the chair.

She smiled. "Thanks."

"Think nothing of it. Might I suggest, however, that you temper your performance in the future?"

"Oh, believe me, I will. Next time, I think that a quiet, graceful death might be in order. Maybe I'll just put my head down on my console and take a nap."

"Wise." He motioned toward the door. "The trainees are expecting us."

Together, they left the simulator.

...

"Trainees, dismissed."

Spock stood and watched his students walk slowly from the briefing room, some of them smiling and talking, others still visibly shaken. It was fascinating to note the various reactions, and often quite surprising. One would expect that he would have learned to predict the cadets' responses with a reasonable degree of accuracy after five years of administering this test, but he found that he was no closer to understanding each individual's response now than before. Perhaps that was because humans were so unpredictable. Perhaps he would never understand human behavior.

_Go away, go away. You never cared about me._

The screamed words suddenly rang in his ears almost as violently as they had the day they were uttered, and his stomach lurched with the remembered turmoil.

_You have what you always wanted now, don't you? Don't you?_

The picture was still vivid in his mind-her pale, lithe, naked body, slick with her exertions, her voice rising in pitch with each word, her face contorted with fury.

_DON'T YOU?_

He brought himself back to the moment when the last cadet left the room, and all he wanted was to leave, himself. He turned, but before he took the first step, a calm voice called him back.

"Spock, do you have a minute? I want to talk to you."

He slowly faced Uhura. "Very well. What do you wish to discuss?"

He heard the shrill voice again, and he remembered clearly the spittle spraying into the air. _Go away! Go on, I never want to see your face again!_

He took a deep breath, summoned the will to silence the ugliness, and slid into a chair across from Uhura.

"I have to know," she asked. "Why am I here?"

He paused, surprised by the bluntness of her question. "Because the Enterprise required a first officer, and you were qualified for the position."

"No, that's not what I mean. Why am I here? Why me? Did you request me?"

He frowned slightly, uncertain how to handle this. "Technically, yes I did-"

"Why?"

"-but I made the request ten point four years ago, when I left the Enterprise for a year's sabbatical to raise Saavik."

Obviously prepared to interject another comment, she closed her mouth and sat back in her seat.

"The Enterprise needed a temporary first officer while I was gone," he explained. "I thought that you were ideal for the job, but Starfleet Command did not agree that your experience was adequate. Obviously, they now think that you have accumulated sufficient experience, and they never forgot my recommendation."

She looked away. "And this is all right with you?"

The voice whispered ominously from the back of his mind. _This is what you always wanted. I tried to make you love me, but I always knew it was her, her, her..._

He straightened. "To be frank, no, it is not. For obvious reasons, I attempted to convince Starfleet Command that someone else might be better suited, but they then questioned my opinion of your ability. Of course, you are a very capable officer and I could not allow them to think less of you, so in the end I was forced to acquiesce."

"I see." She gnawed on her lip for a moment. "So you're stuck with me."

He shrugged, unable to formulate a response.

"Do you think we can make this work?" she asked.

"Yes, I do. We have no choice."

"You're absolutely right." She sighed. "I have to ask something else. You may not want to answer it."

"Proceed."

"I heard that you and Helen stopped seeing each other."

"That is correct." He attempted to keep his face expressionless and his voice level.

"Do you want to talk about it? From what I understand, it wasn't an easy break-up. And you were with her for so long, Spock. It must be tough for you."

"'Tough'? Terminating our relationship was a logical decision. There is nothing else to discuss, Commander."

"Well, okay. If you change your mind, though, I'll be glad to listen."

He softened at her concern. "I appreciate the offer, Nyota, but truly, there is nothing to discuss. I am fine."

She smiled hesitantly. "Good enough. Well, I suppose I need to get to work. There's always a lot to do in a new job."

"Yes."

He watched as she stood and walked away, and the voice hissed, _You have what you always wanted, and now I do, too._

End part 1, chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 2

Smiling at the students and crewmembers she'd begun to recognize, Uhura carried her tray over to an empty table and sat down. After just three days at the Academy and five days on board the Enterprise, things were settling into place pretty well. She'd been nervous about working with Spock again, but they'd already lapsed into a comfortable routine that made it seem as if she'd never left the ship. Of course, once the training cruise was over they'd have to adjust to an entirely different dynamic-that of two instructors working closely in an educational institution-but she was confident that they'd do fine. And she had to admit to herself that it was good to be near him again, her dear friend. The man she loved.

Yes, she couldn't deny that she'd never stopped loving him. She had realized that after his heart attack. When she'd rushed to San Francisco, she'd really thought that her only motivation was easing Saavik's burden, but before she left Earth it had become painfully obvious that her feelings were not so easily defined. She loved him but accepted the fact that they'd both moved on. She wanted to be with him yet was relieved to leave. Seeing him so happily paired with Helen had stabbed her through the heart, yet she couldn't forget the even harsher pain that had led her to end her own relationship with him. She could never go back to that. Never. Even now that he was no longer with Helen.

So, maybe redefining their relationship like this was the best of both worlds. They could be together, but only as close friends who also functioned smoothly as a command and teaching team. It would be even better if he'd really open up to her, but he seemed determined to keep their relationship on a very clearly defined and controlled footing. Obviously all was not well with him, but until he let her help him, there was nothing she could do but watch.

Taking a bite of her muffin, she thought about what she'd seen the past few days. The sadness he carried with him was a tangible thing, almost so real that she could touch it if she dared-but of course she didn't. During those early years, before they had become lovers, it had been so easy to touch him that she'd never really given it a second thought, except to be secretly pleased that she could touch him when no one else could. In a moment of frustration, however, he had confessed that the uninvited intimacy of her casual touches had always made him uncomfortable. His words had wounded her badly, but he had made his point. Touching came naturally to her, but from now on she would resist the impulse.

Now, if only he'd let her touch him with her words. She longed to draw him out, to ease his sadness, but other than the fact that he appeared to be comforted by her presence, there was nothing she could do. His break-up with Helen might be a closed book as far as he was concerned, but it was obvious that he couldn't put it on the shelf.

A jovial voice distracted her from her thoughts. "Good morning, lassie. I've hardly had a chance to talk with ye since you came on board. How do you like being back on the Enterprise?"

She smiled as Scotty seated himself next to her. "It's great. I love it. As a matter of fact, I'm going to be sorry when this training cruise ends."

"Aye, me too, but we'll be back out here before ye know it. Normally we take the graduating class out in two batches, but there were so many this year that we decided to break them into three. Plus, do not forget that we're a fully rated vessel with a captain, first officer, chief engineer, and medical staff. You never know when we might be called into duty. It's happened before."

"I know! One of the first things I did when I learned of my new posting was to catch up on your duty logs. I was surprised to see that you've actually had a few interesting missions. And Captain Spock and I were talking about the size of the graduating class yesterday. From what I understand, we'll have to squeeze six weeks of training into four for each group, since we have to get them all through in twelve weeks. It sounds like a real challenge."

"It will be, but now that you're on the team I'm sure we'll be able to do it. Let me tell you, Spock was very concerned before you arrived. He might act like nothing bothers him, but with all he's had to deal with recently..."

Obviously thinking he'd said too much, he suddenly became very interested in his breakfast.

"It's okay. I know about Helen."

"Och, I'm glad to hear it. I would not want to be divulging any information." He leaned closer, quickly dismissing any attempt at discreet reluctance. "Then ye know that it was very ugly."

"Scotty, that's just a rumor. It has to be! I've heard all sorts of awful things, but I don't believe ninety-nine percent of them. Do you?"

"The stories are hard to ignore, lass. Chekov knows someone who knows an acquaintance of hers, and evidently Helen was spewing venom. I believe that something big did happen, and she could not keep her mouth shut afterwards. I was shocked. Shocked! To behave in such a manner. Evidently, I misjudged her. Anyone who would speak so disrespectfully of our Mr. Spock is no lady in my book."

"Do you know exactly what she said?"

"Aye, that she hated him and never wanted to see him again. That he had mistreated her, and she'd wasted too many years on him. In particular, that she'd had enough of his 'Vulcan mind games,' and that he could go to Hell as far as she was concerned."

Uhura frowned. "She said that? Surely not. That's so heated, and to be honest, she seemed too cold and self-contained for passion like that. I can't imagine such words coming out of her mouth."

"I thought the same thing. Whatever it was that happened, it must have been truly horrific."

Picking at her food, Uhura felt a tightness in her chest at the thought that the stories might possibly be true. If so, that would certainly explain why Spock was so withdrawn. Had Helen really made him out to be such a horrible villain? Granted, she'd learned through personal experience that he could be obstinate and difficult, but he didn't deserve such hatred. Not gentle, kind, considerate Spock.

She met Scotty's eyes as he shook his head in disgust. "He is too good for the likes of her," he said.

Unwilling to comment, she pressed her lips together and looked back down at her plate. They sat quietly while Scotty finished his breakfast, then rose to begin the day.

...

Spock sat down at his desk. "Computer, extract cumulative efficiency ratings of cadets, group one, dating to beginning of current training interval. Flag any drops greater than point-five percent."

Earlier today, he had noticed that two of the students appeared to be struggling with their work, and he wished to determine whether it was simply a one-time occurrence or a trend. He would be exceedingly displeased with himself if he had missed an ongoing problem, but it was possible that his attention had been divided recently. When the results appeared on his screen, however, he nodded with satisfaction. All efficiency ratings had improved steadily. The computer detected no drops.

He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes.

_You never wanted me._

The sound of flesh slapping against flesh.

_Don't deny it. Do you think I didn't know when you finally couldn't take that decisive step toward me?_

Alarm, then stunned disbelief.

_Every time you pulled away from me, it was just another millimeter you moved toward her. Did she like it? Did she like it when you invaded her mind, when you used her to fill your needs? Did she ask for it, crave it, beg for it?_

The intimate scents of perspiration and semen.

_What do you think, Spock? Raw sex, two bodies coming together with no mind invasion, no subtleties, no nuances. Does it repulse you? Shock you? Did you even know that this is what I wanted?_

Backing away, wanting only to escape.

_That's it, run away. She'll be right back within your reach, right by your side. So run away, run back to her, leave me alone!_

Nausea, a flight he scarcely remembered, a desire to reach the shelter of his own home, the inability to discern what had happened, and why.

Enough.

Swallowing hard, he opened his eyes and faced the computer again. It was time to work.

...

Uhura paused outside his quarters. Her talk with Scotty had haunted her all day, but she knew that she couldn't approach Spock about it. What would she say? That she and Scotty had been discussing his personal life, and she was worried? That Helen had been saying awful things about him, and she thought it was unfair? He probably only wanted to be left alone, but unfortunately she needed to talk to him and she couldn't put it off until tomorrow.

She signaled her presence, and smiled carefully when the door slid open and she saw him sitting at his desk, evidently deeply immersed in his work.

"Come in, Commander. Please sit."

"Thank you, Captain. I wanted to discuss Cadets Hussing and Delgado. I thought they both seemed overwhelmed by their duties today."

"I noticed their difficulties as well, but their efficiency ratings have not suffered. I found no cause for concern, although I do intend to monitor them closely."

"I checked their efficiency ratings, too, but I'm not sure that's enough. From what I've seen so far, they're both bright students but a little unstable. I'd like to do what I can to ward off any problems before they start."

"I see." He folded his hands on his desk. "What did you have in mind?"

"Oh, nothing much. I thought I'd spend some time with each of them, one on one. Delgado, in particular, gave herself a very low rating on the Kobayashi Maru test, and I wanted to make sure she understands that the Kobayashi Maru throws everyone into a tailspin. Her performance didn't cause us to lose confidence in her."

"I informed the trainees in their debriefing that the Kobayashi Maru is considered a no-win situation. I concede the possibility that she might need additional counseling, however, and your plan seems

reasonable."

"Believe me, I think everyone could use additional counseling after taking that test. Don't you remember how disconcerting it was to think that you were sharp enough to handle anything, and then have to admit utter failure?"

"I never took the Kobayashi Maru test."

She sat back in her seat and dropped both hands onto the armrests. "What? You're teaching it, and you never even took it?"

"Correct. The simulators were off-line when I was scheduled to take the test, and our instructor fell behind. As I recall, I was one of six students who missed the opportunity."

She grinned. "Well, I think we need to put you in that center seat sometime. You need to see for yourself just how awful it is!"

"Ah. Am I to understand that you encountered difficulty with the Kobayashi Maru scenario?"

"Oh, it was terrible." She covered her face in mock embarrassment. "I could see that it was a trap and refused to go in. By the greatest coincidence, communications were restored and I was allowed to hear the crew and passengers of the Kobayashi Maru die horrible deaths. My instructor nailed me, too, for being overly cautious."

He raised an eyebrow. "I am surprised to hear this, Commander. You have always struck me as the type of individual who would simply state 'damn the torpedoes' and charge into a precarious situation."

"Believe me, I've replayed that scenario in my head a thousand times, and I always try to save everyone. I swore to myself that from that day on, I would go into every situation full steam ahead. I would do it all the way or not do it at all-no halfways for me. And I think I've lived by that pledge."

"Indeed you have."

She smiled at him, glad to hear the amusement in his voice. Soon, however, he looked away, and she knew that the moment had passed. Time to get on with business.

"Could you take a few minutes to familiarize me with the cadets that aren't on board yet?" she asked. "I've looked over their records, but I'd like some more personalized descriptions so that I can get to know them."

"Of course. If you will join me by the computer, I will display their images on the screen as we talk."

She dragged her chair around the desk as he called up an alphabetical listing of the graduating class.

End part 1, chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 3

Alone in his office at the Academy, Spock placed his elbows on the desk and steepled his fingers. His computer screen beckoned brightly near his forearm, but he looked beyond it into the dark, glittery night.

Exactly thirty Standard days had passed since he had last seen Helen, and he found that he could think of the disastrous ending of their relationship with a more rational perspective now. If he allowed his control to slip, he knew that the ache in his chest would return, but he also knew that it would be only a dull ache now, no more, no less. The dizzying, confusing, sharply painful sensations of before had passed.

Only recently had he discovered that he could deconstruct the ending of their relationship into a number of components. He had not seen that before, but now it was clear, and the starkest truth was that Helen was not entirely responsible for all that had gone wrong. Such a truth was difficult to admit, but it was nevertheless a fact he could not deny.

He had asked much of her, while knowing all along that she could not provide what he asked: intimacy, warmth, laughter. It was highly ironic that those things he desired from her were the very things Uhura had desired from him. Perhaps this was what humans referred to as 'getting a taste of one's own medicine.' Saavik had told him from the beginning that Helen was an illogical choice for him because of the very qualities that had first attracted him: her brilliant coolness, her perfectly self-contained composure, her undeniable belief in her own intelligence.

She was a logical choice, he told himself.

And, when the time came, his Time, he convinced himself that she was still a logical choice.

Even now, he found it difficult to believe that in the end, she was _not_ a logical choice. Perhaps, however, that was also not her fault. Looking back, he saw that there were moments in which she would have warmed to him, opened herself more fully to him, had he only encouraged her. Instead, he would become irritated with her attempt to be someone she was not. He did not understand why, but it was obvious to him now that it had happened repeatedly. He had asked her to be something she was not, yet squelched any possibility that she might grow to be what he wanted. Illogical.

The warning signs leading up to their crisis were obvious. He could see them now. Could it be that he had seen them then and ignored them? Why would he do such a thing? Although still a 'couple,' he and she had effectively already ceased communicating when the news came of Uhura's transfer to the Enterprise. Therefore, he could not blame that alone for Helen's reaction. Helen seemed to think that he had somehow engineered Uhura's return. He had never realized how much Uhura threatened this confident, self-possessed woman he had believed he knew so well. His casual mention of who was to be his new first officer had caused her insecurity to explode into the already-faltering dynamics of their relationship, and to derail it entirely. Clearly, that fateful conversation was the true end, not the incident that caused him to finally walk away from her forever.

Touching his index fingers to his lips as he stared out the window, he transferred his attention to a conversation from earlier today, a very odd conversation that refused to leave his thoughts. He had called Vulcan to converse with his mother, but she had not been home and he had talked to his father instead. His parents had met Helen on several occasions, and while they had kept their opinions to themselves, he thought that they had been less than pleased. Of course, he had mentioned the ending of his relationship, but they had withheld comment about that, as well. Therefore, it was rather unexpected that his father would mention it today.

Sarek had said very little, and what he did say was enigmatic. "My son," he had intoned. "Over the years, I have devoted a great deal of thought to my original choice of mate for you, and I will admit that perhaps my decision was poor. It is up to you, therefore, to make the correct decision, and it concerns me that you have apparently allowed your judgment to be clouded by factors that are ultimately inconsequential."

Spock had raised an eyebrow. "It was my impression that you and Mother did not approve of Helen, so I am surprised to hear you say this."

"It is not Helen of whom I speak. All I ask, my son, is that you revisit certain decisions of your past and ensure that you understand your true motivations."

"I see. Thank you for the advice, Father. I shall allow it due consideration."

Sarek had nodded, and that had been the end of it. Of course, Spock could only assume that Sarek referred to the termination of his relationship with Commander Uhura, but Sarek never knew all the details. He did not know that Uhura, herself, had ended it. No doubt Amanda had relayed Spock's reservations about pon farr and his ability to make Uhura happy, and Sarek believed that the initial decision to end the relationship had come from Spock. No matter. In the end, the decision had been mutual. It was unusual, however, for Sarek to broach such a topic and imply that Spock had assigned undue importance to his various concerns.

He unlaced his fingers and allowed his hands to rest on the desktop. He could accomplish nothing further at the moment by thinking about his problems with Helen and his conversation with his father. He would meditate later, and continue his attempt to understand why and where he had failed with Helen. Now, however, he knew that Uhura would be expecting him, so he turned off his computer and left his office for the night.

Fascinating, how quickly it had become habit for him to share a late cup of tea with Commander Uhura. She also preferred to work late, citing the peace and quiet of the evening. Sometimes she would join him in his office, but more often, he would come to her. They would review their respective days and their plans for the next, or discuss various students' progress. Then, invariably, they would exit the building together and part company as each headed toward his or her own home.

Reaching her doorway, he waited until she noticed him. Her dark head was bent over her work, and as he watched, she chewed on the end of her stylus. He had often pointed out how illogical it was to bite something that was never intended to be bitten. Not only was such an action hard on the stylus, but he feared she might damage her teeth. She always agreed with his observations but never did anything to change her habits. So, he had simply learned to surreptitiously ensure that the stylus closest to her hand was the one that was pre-chewed. He theorized that it would be less harmful to her teeth, and at any rate, there was no need to inflict damage on a new stylus.

Finally, she glanced up and smiled. "Hi. Come on in. I was just looking over the script for tomorrow's Kobayashi Maru."

He seated himself at the other side of her desk. "I directed the computer to remove one of the Birds of Prey. In my opinion, the last scenario ended too quickly."

"Yes, I agree." She tapped the stylus against her chin. "Instead of taking away one of the Klingon ships, though, how about increasing the length of time between their attacks? I was thinking that I'd like to see how the captain reacts to those extra moments of uncertainty when it looks like the Klingons might try something different."

"That is an excellent idea. It would lengthen the duration of the test and allow the captain more opportunity for creative thinking." He pointed toward her computer. "May I?"

"Sure. Come on around. Would you like some tea while you work?"

"Yes, thank you."

He experimented with the parameters of the Kobayashi Maru scenario while she prepared the tea. Soon, she joined him, and they became deeply involved in programming tomorrow's test.

...

There was someone with her, a man.

She couldn't see his face, but she knew it was someone who touched her, someone who made her feel wanted and cherished, someone she desired very much. They were sitting together, eating a simple meal and talking, completely alone in the middle of a sea of surrounding voices and activity. She laughed, but as she laughed the scene shifted, and suddenly the room was dark, foggy, indistinct. She was wearing her nightgown-no she was wearing nothing-and the body next to her was warm, hard, and masculine. It was the same man, yet it wasn't. They were in the same place, yet it was different. The people seemed to still be all around yet they weren't. No one was watching, no one was listening. The man touched her.

He touched her everywhere. He touched her breasts, he touched her face, and she pushed herself against him when his hand wandered between her legs. With a sudden rush, she felt herself swept away in the throes of a shattering orgasm, and as his body shifted to cover her own, she felt his heartbeat against her side. His quick, shallow heartbeat murmured against her side.

Her side!

Jolted awake, she sat up in bed and tried to slow her racing heart.

It was a dream, only a dream. She was all alone, alone in her own bed, alone in her own room, alone in her own home.

She ran her hand across her forehead and felt the clammy moistness of perspiration, and when she shifted slightly on the bed, she felt a warmer, more intimate moistness between her legs. She groaned and settled back down onto her pillow, and wondered how long it had been since a heartbeat in a man's side had actually seemed more right to her than a heartbeat in the middle of a man's chest.

...

Spock stood at the back of the bridge and noticed that Cadet Ng was gripping the command chair so rigidly that his knuckles had turned an alarming shade of white.

Directly to his left, he heard Commander Uhura's board beep.

"Captain, I'm receiving a message. It's badly garbled, but it appears to be a distress call."

"Could you put it on speaker, Commander?" Ng said, his voice overly loud.

"Aye, Captain."

"Mayday, mayday. This is the Kobayashi Maru. I repeat, mayday, mayday. If you can hear me, please respond."

The young man addressed Uhura. "Open channel."

Spock seated himself at the tactical station as Uhura transferred communications to the center chair. Some time ago, he had discovered that the cadets always spoke among themselves about the parameters of the test. While he knew that such a tendency was regrettably natural, he had been disconcerted to learn that one of their primary concerns was invariably his own placement during the scenario. Therefore, he was careful to now position himself differently each time.

Ng cleared his throat. "Kobayashi Maru, this is, uh, Captain Ng of the starship Enterprise. We received your message."

"Enterprise! Maybe... not too late." As always, the voice faded in and out. "We hit... gravitic mine... hull breach... casualties. Our warp and impulse drives are inoperative... drifting. Quickly losing oxygen... please hurry..."

"Captain, we lost them," said Uhura.

Ng looked at his science officer. "Could I have information on the Kobayashi Maru?"

The young woman at the science station read from her console. "The Kobayashi Maru is a transport ship with a crew of fifty and over two hundred passengers. They have a warp drive but no weapons."

"We're going in after them," said Ng.

Spock could not resist a small sigh. "Captain, would it not be prudent to scan the area first?"

"Oh! Yes! Helmsman, scan the area and tell me what you find."

Everyone was silent while the helmsman bent over his scanner. Finally, he said, "The Kobayashi Maru is in the neutral zone, sir. It's hard to read, but I see some energy fluctuations. They could be other ships, or they could be nothing."

Ng hesitated, obviously still shaken by his omission moments before. Finally, he said, "Commander Uhura, notify sickbay of possible casualties, and relay to Kobayashi Maru that we are coming to their assistance."

"Yes, sir."

"Helm? Take us in on a direct heading, impulse only. Continue to scan for any unusual energy readings."

The helmsman nodded. "We are now entering the neutral zone, Captain. No sign of... Wait! Captain, four Klingon ships! They're heading toward us and arming photon torpedoes."

Ng sat straight. "Shields up! Arm photon torpedoes, but do not vary from course. Fire at will!"

Spock gripped the console as the simulator shook from the supposed phaser fire.

"Status!" barked Ng.

Spock listened as each student reported from his or her respective station. Very good. He would have to ensure he told Commander Uhura that lengthening the test allowed him to better observe his students' performances.

Soon, the science officer shouted, "Klingons firing again, Captain!"

This time, sparks flew from the engineering console, and Mr. Scott removed himself from the scenario by closing his eyes and placing his head on his board. Spock turned toward Uhura, curious to see how she chose to perform this time. She met his eyes briefly and couldn't hide a tiny smile, and an instant later cried out and placed her head on her console, just as she had said she would. Only three seconds later, sparks erupted from his own console, so he slid from his chair and stretched out on the floor. He did not always choose to "die" during the scenario, preferring sometimes to observe until the very end, but he also knew that his own death had quite an effective impact on the cadet currently in command of the bridge.

Finally, Spock spoke loudly enough to be heard over the surrounding chaos. "Computer, end Kobayashi Maru scenario."

The alarms ceased, and he stood as the simulator doors parted. His students had done well. He could not ignore Ng's early lapse, but in his opinion, the cadet's composure later in the test was more than sufficient to redeem his performance. He met the young man's eyes and said, "Trainees. To the briefing room."

The trainees quietly left the room. He moved close to Commander Uhura and murmured, "I see that you chose a more peaceful end this time."

"Oh yes, I've decided that's the way to go. No pain, no drama. I highly recommend it."

He raised an amused eyebrow as they fell into step together and left the simulator.

End part 1, chapter 3


	4. Chapter 4

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 4

"Why don't we rotate Montoya from stellar cartography to engineering? Her grasp of warp theory is really weak, and maybe it'll help if she sees how it's applied."

Uhura handed her padd to Spock, then reached for her tea while she waited for his response. Almost through their second training cruise, they were having to work late in order to plan the upcoming crew rotations. It was something that should have been done two weeks ago, but their compressed schedule had forced them to make certain adjustments, such as postponing this task. She didn't mind working now, though. She figured that they'd be sharing their usual late-night cup of tea even if they didn't have work to do.

Spock leaned his forearms on his desk as he studied her padd. "I believe that this would be satisfactory, but we will have to ensure that Scott monitors her progress closely. I would not want her to become further confused."

"Good point. I'll make a note of it."

She reached for her padd, but she realized too late that Spock had not relinquished it yet and her fingers brushed against his own. Her cheeks grew warm as she yanked her hand back.

"Oops, sorry."

He raised an eyebrow as he regarded her. "For what?"

"For touching you," she stammered. "I know how you, uh, dislike that."

"I am not offended."

They looked at one another for a long moment, but finally he slid the padd across the desktop in her direction. Grateful for the distraction, she picked it up and made her note for Scotty. What an idiotic thing to do! She should have just acted like nothing happened instead of making such a big deal out of it. When she had felt his fingers touch hers, though, she'd become flustered, just like when she'd first seen him on

the morning after her erotic dream.

The erotic dream! She hadn't thought about that for weeks. Why did she have to think about it now? She pulled her padd up close to her nose, hiding from him while she desperately tried to get the sexy, disturbing images out of her mind. His heartbeat against her side, those long fingers touching her everywhere... A warmth crept into her belly to match the heat radiating from her face, and she couldn't resist sneaking just a peek at him.

He was watching her curiously. "Commander? Is there a problem?"

Her eyes growing wide, she said, "A problem? What kind of problem?"

Gesturing toward the padd in her hands, he said, "With the cadet roster."

"Oh, yes, maybe so." She quickly keyed up the schedule for recycling services. "Here, take a look at this."

He accepted the padd, and she breathed a sigh of relief when he transferred his attention from her to the schedule. This would not do, not at all. She pulled her chair closer to the desk and forced herself to concentrate on the work at hand.

...

Much later that night, Spock knelt on his meditation mat. Instead of closing his eyes, however, he looked down at his hand. Her touch had been accidental, but it had brought back so much. How she used to touch him so easily, and how he had destroyed her confidence in her impunity to the distance he imposed on everyone else.

What had happened in his life? She had once been his, and he had thrown it all away. Helen had once been his, and he had undermined their relationship until she had finally retaliated. His conversation with Sarek still echoed through his mind, and the more he pondered it, the more confused he became. His father had told him to understand, but what? His mistakes? He knew that he had made mistakes. He had certainly made many with Helen.

Where, exactly, did he go wrong with Helen? He understood now that he had wanted her to be something she was not, but he had known from the beginning exactly what she was. So why, then, had he pursued her? What was his motivation? He had wanted intimacy, but she had wanted him at arm's length. He wanted warmth, but she was cold. He wanted to hear the sound of easy laughter, he wanted to look into gentle eyes, he wanted to share the pure joy of living, he wanted...

Everything he had once possessed with Nyota.

Could it be that he had known it all along? He had desired so much from Helen, yet whenever she showed any willingness to be what he wanted, he had become irritated with her. He would push her away. He would escape. Was it because he knew that no matter what she became, she could still never be what he truly wanted? He had thought she was the logical choice for him, with her unemotional, unsentimental brilliance, but perhaps that was the problem from the very start.

He thought.

He did not feel.

He felt now. He felt the urge to be with Nyota when he first rose in the morning. He felt lost when she was not on the bridge by his side. He felt pleasure when she joined him in the evening, and he felt empty when she returned to her quarters and left him alone.

But-he and she had encountered so many problems before. He knew that he had hurt her. He knew she would be wary. He knew she would have a number of logical reasons why they should not resume a closer relationship. However, he had made the choice between "feeling" and "knowing" with Helen, and he had made a terrible mistake.

This time, he would choose correctly.

...

Uhura pulled her chair around Spock's desk so that she could see his computer screen. They had worked late into the evening once again, and they were finally only minutes away from completing the cadet assignments for the upcoming weeks. Then, they'd have to catch up on the efficiency reports they'd neglected for the last two weeks.

She nodded her approval and said, "The communications department looks good. Who's next?"

"Engineering."

"Okay."

As they studied the screen, he broke off a tiny bunch of grapes and cradled them in his hand. She'd brought a variety of fruit from Earth, but the grapes were their favorite. As a matter of fact, they'd been snacking on them every night and the grapes were almost gone. Maybe tomorrow they'd start on the strawberries.

He pulled off a single grape and put it in his mouth, and she had to stifle a smile at his methodical approach. She, herself, would randomly grab a handful of grapes and pop them into her mouth from the hand that held them, but Spock would invariably determine the optimum place to break the stem, then hold the grapes in one hand so he could neatly remove one, and precisely one, at a time with the other hand.

"Engineering looks good to me," she said. "Do you have any concerns?"

"No. Let us proceed to the bridge roster."

While he keyed up the next list, she grabbed another handful of grapes. One escaped and rolled across the desk, but she quickly retrieved it and looked back at the screen. She read in silence for several moments, but gradually she realized that Spock wasn't reading it with her. Instead, he was sitting back in his chair, watching _her_.

Grinning crookedly, she asked, "What are you doing?"

"I am remembering what it was like when you used to touch me," he replied.

All she could do was blink and stare as the smile faded from her face. Had he just said what she thought he'd said? Abruptly, however, she realized that grapes were bouncing onto the desk, into her lap, across the floor... In her shock, she'd allowed her hand to fall open and she'd dropped the grapes all over the place.

"Oh my God!" She fell to her knees and began trying to round them up. "I can't believe I did that! All these grapes-"

"Nyota."

The grapes were under her knees, and she had to shift to keep from squashing them.

"Nyota."

She crawled away from the desk, so he got down on his hands and knees next to her.

"Nyota. Look at me."

She ducked her head. "They're rolling all over the place. I'll never find them all!"

"Do not concern yourself about the grapes." Capturing her hand in his, he took the grapes she'd collected and placed them on the floor behind him. "Please, look at me."

Her heart was pounding so hard that it felt like it would leap out of her chest, and she had to remind herself to breathe. Finally, she dared to meet his eyes, but she couldn't speak.

"Do you remember?" he asked earnestly. "Do you remember how you used to brush your fingers against the back of my hand, or rest your hand on my shoulder whenever you were near?"

She finally found her voice. "What are you saying?"

They were both still on their hands and knees, their faces just centimeters apart.

"Telling you that I disliked your touch was a mistake, just one of many I made with you. I was afraid, Nyota, afraid of so much, and I said something that I did not mean. Now, however, I wish to put it right. I do want you to touch me easily again, and so much more. Is it even a possibility?"

"I... I don't know." Realizing awkwardly that she was still on her hands and knees, she sat back on her heels and pushed her hair away from her face. "I still don't understand. You're going to have to spell it out for me."

"Very well." He mirrored her posture. "I wish to share my life with you. I wish to hear your laugh, and I wish to feel your touch. I want to hold you close at night, and to know each morning when I awake that you will be there. I want you, Nyota. Only you."

She closed her eyes, her heart soaring but her limbs so shaky that she didn't know how she could just sit here like this. Here, on the floor with Spock, listening to him tell her he wanted her back. More than anything, she longed to tell him yes. Yes! That she loved him, that she'd do anything to be close to him again, but she remembered her anguish from before. She couldn't go through that again.

"I don't know, Spock. There was so much that wasn't right between us. I just can't do it again."

"I will make it right this time. What must I do?"

"You have to be honest with me."

He nodded once, decisively. "I will tell you anything you wish to know."

"What happened to you? Back when we were together. We were so good for so long, but gradually you pulled away from me. You changed. You couldn't be honest with me anymore. I saw it very clearly, and it hurt so bad that you might as well have just slapped me in the face. And it confused me that you could never tell me why."

"You are correct. I was not honest with you. From the beginning, I concealed something from you. Something important."

"Something about you? About your past?"

"My past. My future. The past and future of every Vulcan male, and the person he chooses as his mate. It is shameful that I have never told you this, and I will understand if you cannot forgive me for withholding it from you. It is something you should have known."

Her voice scarcely more than a whisper, she said, "Just tell me."

"It is called pon farr, the time of mating. Specifically, a Vulcan male must endure it roughly every seventh year of his adult life." He paused. "Please understand that it is very difficult for me to speak of this."

She nodded. "Go on."

"During this time, we lose all control. We become violent, with only one thought-procreation. At its height, it is called the plak tow, or blood fever, and the drive to mate becomes so strong that a Vulcan male will allow nothing to stand in his way. He will kill, if necessary, and relish doing so. It is a time of pure, unbridled lust and passion."

He looked away, and his words rang in her ears.

_Violence. Murder. Lust. Passion._

All this, in one package? No wonder Vulcans couldn't speak of it. She shook her head, trying to comprehend. Was Spock talking about himself? This was something he had to endure? Was he speaking from experience?

Soon, he resumed. "It is shameful, to be so stripped of our logic, but it is something we cannot control. A bonded couple will enter pon farr together when the female ovulates. An unbonded male, or a male who is bonded to someone who does not ovulate, such as another male, will still succumb to the pressures of the cycle. It merely becomes less predictable. If a bonded male cannot reach his mate, he will die. For an unbonded male, we must simply say that it is highly unpleasant, but not necessarily a sentence of death. There are ways to circumvent it, unreliable methods that may or may not work. But even though it is possible to survive, one may come to desire death before it is over."

Her stomach churning, she asked, "You?"

"Yes. I have had three pon farrs."

Bowing her head, she squeezed her eyes shut, not sure she wanted to know. He'd told her this much, however... They had to keep going. Swallowing, she asked, "What happened?"

"The first occurred early in my first mission under Admiral Kirk. As you know, I was bonded to T'Pring. Foolishly, I felt the stirring of my blood but ignored it, until it was almost too late for me to return to her in time. I thought... I hoped that my human blood would spare me."

"And we rushed you to Vulcan." Comprehension dawning, she remembered that time-the confusing orders, the hushed voices.

"Correct. When I arrived, T'Pring did not want me. As was her right, she chose a champion for a fight to the death with me. T'Pring, always coldly logical, did not name her true choice, Stonn. She chose Admiral Kirk."

"What?" Uhura frowned. "She chose Admiral Kirk? Why?"

"Her reasoning was flawlessly logical. If I battled Stonn and won, she would lose Stonn, but if I battled the Admiral, either he would win or I would win. If he won, he would not want her. If I won, either I would release her, or claim her and return to space. Her situation would remain unchanged in only that last scenario. Therefore, she thought it worthwhile to challenge. In the end, I won because Dr. McCoy intervened, drugging Admiral Kirk so that we would all think he had died. The battle assuaged my fever, and I found that I no longer felt any desire for her at all. I released her and returned to the ship thinking I had killed my friend."

"If I understand this correctly, she thought that she was abandoning you to certain death. Why couldn't she try to work something out sooner?"

Spock shrugged, but did not comment. Finally, Uhura asked, "So, seven years later-"

"Actually, it was eight point four. As I said, the seven-year cycle is only approximate."

"So, eight point four years later, what happened?"

"I was unbonded. When my Time came, I called on the meditative disciplines I had learned from the Masters at Gol. I survived, but it was an experience I do not wish to repeat. Frankly, I am not certain I _could_ repeat it. I came very close to losing my life then, and I was younger. Now, I anticipate that I would die."

She felt her chest grow tight at the thought of Spock, alone, trying to endure something that his biological drive insisted he must share, hoping that the hard-won lessons he had brought back from his ordeal in the Vulcan desert would see him through. This would have been shortly after he came back to Starfleet, sometime right before he and she had become involved. Suddenly, she counted the years, and she realized what must have happened with the third pon farr.

"Oh, Spock." Her voice was shaky, and she had to pause to regain her composure. "You went into pon farr after you and I broke up, and you were seeing..." She closed her eyes, unwilling to admit that he had shared this with Helen, when he hadn't even been able to bring himself to describe it to her.

A long silence stretched between them. Finally, he said, "I am sorry, truly sorry. I thought it logical that I attempt to bond with Helen. When the time came, however, I could not do it. I am not proud of myself. My intentions were good, but the end result was that I only used her to survive."

"Did you love her?"

"No. She seemed to be a logical mate for me, and I thought I could make it work on that basis. But she knew. She knew before I did that ultimately I would be unable to turn to her. During the plak tow, I was anchorless. I was searching, but I could not find. There was no joy between us, Nyota, only a wall I did not attempt to breach. She disliked the prolonged intimacy, and she found my intrusions into her mind distasteful. Our relationship never had the proper foundation, but I did not realize it until that foundation began to crumble."

She chewed her lip as she tried to decide how much to tell him. "I heard that the two of you had a big scene. Was that it? Did she turn you away when you needed her?"

"No. She endured it. She hated every moment, but she endured it and subjected me to a great deal of discomfort in the process. That was only the beginning of the long, slow dissolution of our relationship. After that, she put on a very effective act for the sake of the public. Everyone who knew us thought that we still a 'happy couple,' but our private lives were strained. Or rather, I should say that she found it difficult to be alone with me. I, on the other hand, continued to pretend that everything was well between us, even in private. Perhaps I noted her distance, but she had always been distant. I refused to see that what I had perceived as coolness was actually coldness, and I deceived myself into thinking that we still had a viable relationship."

She had to ask. She wasn't sure she really wanted to know, but she had to ask. "So what finally caused it to end, Spock? Did something awful happen? Was there a terrible scene?"

"Yes, most definitely." He made a noise that almost sounded like a bitter chuckle. "'Terrible scene' describes it quite aptly. She and I had made plans to attend a fund-raiser in Mexico City together, but at the last moment, I was detained at the Academy. I called her, and we agreed that she would attend alone. I closed the conversation by stating that I would see her the following weekend. We were both very busy, and it was often difficult to find time together."

"Go on."

"At the last moment," he said haltingly, "my meeting was canceled, so I decided that I could attend the fund-raiser after all. I called both her apartment and her office, and I received no answer at either place. **B**ecause it was not unusual for her to disregard communications at her office, I deduced that I could find her there. I arrived at the museum after it had closed for the day. The main building was dark, so she obviously was not working on any of the exhibits. No one was there, not even the cleaning staff. I let myself in and walked toward the administrative offices. When I opened the door to the back hallway, I saw a single light at the end-Helen's office. I had located her. As I approached, however, I heard..." He took a heavy breath. "I heard the sounds of sexual intercourse. I became alarmed. The building was empty and she was unprotected. I thought that she was being assaulted. I ran down the hallway, burst into her office, and pulled the man off her. She began screaming at me, stating that..."

He blinked and pressed his lips together, obviously finding it difficult to continue. Uhura wanted to hold him, to tell him that it was all right and that no one should have treated him like this, but instead she remained silent. As horrible as it was, she had to hear the whole story. Finally, he continued.

"She said that she hated me. She told me that she knew I had always wanted... something else, and that she had decided that she did, too. She wanted the pure meeting of two bodies without the 'twisted, repulsive mind-intrusion' I desired. She maintained that I finally had what I wanted, and now she was going to get what she wanted, too. By this point, I had backed to the doorway, and it was all too easy to turn and flee, her words following me until I closed the outer door and escaped."

"Oh, Spock." Uhura didn't know what to say.

He leaned closer, suddenly intense. "Do you wish to know what she meant, when she said that I finally got what I had always wanted?"

She hesitated, surprised by his change in demeanor, and he continued before she could respond.

"She learned that you were to be my first officer. I never understood how severely you threatened her, but when I casually gave her the news, she became highly upset. It was just days before this incident. She claimed that I had engineered the situation so that I could be near you once again. My discovery of her infidelity might have been the decisive end of our relationship, but the effective end was the day she told me

to change your orders and I refused. Do you see, Nyota? She understood before I did that it was you I wanted, never her."

Uhura shook her head and turned away. "This is too much to assimilate. I don't know what to think. Are you sure you aren't just coming to me on the rebound? Helen hurt you badly."

"The fact of the matter is that while she might have shocked me, she did not particularly hurt me. When I understood where I had failed with her, I also understood that I did not care about her anymore. I am not coming to you on the 'rebound.' I am coming to you because I want you. I always have. And I always will."

Her back still to him, she ran her fingers through her hair. "A part of me has always longed to hear you say this, Spock, but it's just too much. My head is spinning."

They were both quiet as she thought about all he'd told her. He'd caught Helen having sex with another man, and he insisted that he wasn't coming to her, Uhura, on the rebound. This was hard to accept-Spock wasn't exactly the most self-aware guy she'd ever known. In addition, he'd carried around a huge, huge secret while they were together, a mating cycle that would have eventually affected her, too. Suddenly, she realized that they hadn't pursued the discussion about pon farr to its end.

She turned toward him. "So what happens when a male is bonded to a female who ovulates more often than every seven years? Say, every month?"

"Obviously, medical intervention is necessary, or the male would soon succumb to the constant strain."

She couldn't help but smile a little. "But what a way to go."

"Indeed."

Her smile faded as she had another thought. "You'll have to deal with this again in another six years or so. Are you feeling pressure now to find someone who can help you avoid a solitary pon farr? Is that why you're coming back to me?"

He nodded. "It is one reason."

Unable to hide her dismay, she said, "You know that I'd do anything I could to help you, but I need to be more than just a... a receptacle."

"Ah." He slid closer. "Nyota, I come to you because I cannot envision myself sharing the experience with anyone else. As a matter of fact, I must confess that I could not avoid thinking of you when I was with Helen. One's thoughts during plak tow are quite rambling, and it is sometimes difficult to distinguish fantasy from reality. I attempted to shield it from Helen, but I have no doubt that she was all too aware of my thoughts about you."

She felt a little thrill of triumph at the thought that he'd fantasized about her while having sex with Helen, but it was quickly replaced by another, sickening image: Spock, passionate and out-of-control, making love to another woman. Violent, demanding, full of lust-

Abruptly, she remembered their trip to England. The sex had become rough one night. He'd used his strength to pound into her as hard as he could, gripping her so tightly he had left hand prints on her hips. Afterward, he'd been shaken, far more disturbed by the experience than she was. He'd begun to retreat from her after that night, and he hadn't stopped retreating until the day she finally told him she couldn't stand it anymore and ended their relationship.

Watching his reaction, she said, "When we were in England, you were upset by our rough sex. It reminded you of pon farr, didn't it?"

"Correct. I was shaken by the knowledge that I could behave like that outside pon farr. I hurt you, but the pressures of that night were nothing compared to the pressures of pon farr. A human woman does not have the stamina of a Vulcan woman, and the thought of hurting you during pon farr frightened me."

She bristled. "Obviously, your mother doesn't have a problem with it."

"I know. My fear was not entirely based in logic."

She felt her anger grow despite his contrite admission. "Why couldn't you just tell me about it? You could have explained it, and we could have worked it out together. I'm capable of making my own decisions, but instead you decided for me." She shook her head, floored that he would have done this to her. "You destroyed everything we had simply because you were afraid you might bruise me someday?"

"There was much more to it than that, although I did not see the 'bigger picture' until it was too late. I accept that it was presumptuous, arrogant even, for me not to give you a chance to make your own decision. I was perpetuating the stereotype that humans are weak. Humans have emotional fortitude that Vulcans, for all their control, do not, and that is perhaps even more important than physical stamina. I used my concern over pon farr as a scapegoat for my fears. It was concrete, and I could convince myself that I was thinking of you rather than myself."

"Then what was the problem?"

"I feared the emotional demands of a prolonged relationship."

"It was that simple, and you couldn't even see it?"

"Correct. I was no more honest with myself than I was with you. I see now that I allowed my fear to cripple me. I did not think I would be adequate to the task of ensuring your happiness, and I projected that eventually you would realize I was not the proper choice for you. Of course, that turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy." He looked down at his hands briefly before meeting her eyes again. "Ironically, I came to these realizations at the same time you were deciding that you could not stay with me. I arrived at our final meeting with the intention of telling you everything."

She sat, dumb, while his words registered. Finally, she whispered, "But I broke up with you first."

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you try harder to tell me?" she demanded in a choked voice.

Clearly searching for words, he said, "I was hurt. I detected an easy way out. I became angry. I thought it not worth the effort, since clearly you no longer wanted me. I wished to punish you. There are any number of illogical, conflicting reasons. I am sorry, and I have paid for my inaction every day since."

Unshed tears burning her eyes, she covered her face. "Oh God, Spock. We both made so many mistakes. You're right, you're so right. You told me that I always thought I could fix whatever was wrong, and when I decided that we should break up and didn't give you a chance to speak, I did exactly that. I pushed you and pushed you, instead of stepping back and letting you come to me. I'm so sorry."

A long silence stretched between them. Finally, she looked up to see him watching her with... warmth? Understanding? Tenderness? Her chest grew tight as the tears threatened to return.

His gaze unflinching, he said, "Before, you stated that I closed myself away from you. That will not happen again. You must accept, however, that there will be times when I experience the need to distance myself. It is no reflection on you; that is simply who I am. It should not be a problem unless one of us makes it a problem. In addition, you must understand that changes in our relationship are not as easy for me as for you. However, although I may not adapt immediately, I have learned that I _can_ adapt. I can be flexible. I can be honest with you, and I can try as hard as you need for me to try. Please. Allow me to prove this to you."

Her breath caught at his intense sincerity. They were sitting on the floor, a meter between them, but she was so captured by his dark eyes that it seemed they were much closer. She couldn't have looked away even if she had wanted.

Finally, she said, "I love you, Spock. I always have, and I always will. But I love you as much as a friend as I do a lover. We risked that friendship once and almost gambled it away. Do you really want to take that risk again?"

He moved closer. "Yes. Very much. Give me another chance, Nyota."

"You hurt me."

"Yes, and you hurt me. But the pain I experienced those years ago is nothing compared to my pain now if you say no."

Still not breaking eye contact, he leaned closer until they were separated by mere centimeters. She felt his breath against her cheek, and his expression was so soft, his eyes so dark. Without even knowing that she had done it, she moistened her lips and turned her face up to his.

Her eyes fluttered shut when she felt his lips touch her own. The kiss was whisper soft, as if he feared the contact. She felt the tension leave his body a moment later, however, and he put his arms around her and pulled her close. As she tangled her fingers through his hair, eight years of unexpressed desire suddenly swept them into an embrace so joyous that she thought her heart would burst. He kissed her as if starved for her, and his strong hands gripped her back, caressed her shoulders, touched her lightly on the face... His mind brushed against her own...

She pushed him away and gasped, "We can't do this. It's too quick. It... It just can't be this easy."

"Yes, it can," he said, also breathless. "We have made everything so difficult for so long. Why can it not be this easy?"

She scrambled to her feet and backed away. "I'm sorry. I have to think about it. There's just so much to consider."

He stood quickly and followed her. "I know that you want this, just as I do."

"Oh yes, I want it, but that's not enough."

"Nyota."

He reached for her, but she dodged his grasp.

"No, Spock. No, don't. Please, I can't."

Without looking at him again, she hurried out the door. Blind and deaf to anything but the thought of reaching her quarters, she rushed through the corridor and prayed that she wouldn't run into anyone

she knew. Finally, as soon as she heard her door close behind her, she stopped and closed her eyes.

It was so much, too much. The pain of their last months as lovers flooded into her memory, and she clasped her hands over her heart, bowed by the sheer weight of it. He had said that things would be different now, but would they? Truly? He had made such resolutions before and broken them. Why should she believe him now? He said that he could change, but could he? If he hadn't been honest with her then, could he be honest with her now? He hadn't even been honest with himself!

As these thoughts whirled through her mind, however, all she could see was the expression on his face when she had run out on him only moments ago. Confusion, desperation, longing, and... love. Love.

He loved her.

He had held her in his arms, and it was good, so good. It was right. He wanted a second chance, and in the process he was giving her a second chance, too. Could they do it? Could they make it work?

Finally, she found that she could breathe normally, and she opened her eyes. Whatever they did, they couldn't rush into it like this. Slowing down was the right decision for the moment, regardless of which decision was correct for the future.

Her hands still shaking, she unfastened her jacket as she walked back toward her bedroom. She would take a shower, she would get into bed, and she would think.

End part 1, chapter 4


	5. Chapter 5

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 5

Spock sat patiently in his quarters and sipped his tea. He had slept well last night, despite the emotional upheaval of the evening. Perhaps it was because he was experiencing a certain relief at having finally told Nyota everything. Perhaps it was because he knew he had done the right thing in informing her he still wanted her. Perhaps it was because he felt confident that he could convince her of the logic of the situation. Perhaps he had not yet uncovered the explanation. At any rate, attempting to discern the reason for his sudden peace of mind was a fascinating exercise.

"Computer. Location of Commander Uhura."

"Commander Uhura is in turbolift E Four."

Ah. Finally. He had been interrogating the computer every three minutes for the past thirty-three minutes with the intention of joining her for breakfast. He was most interested in hearing what she had to say this morning. He rose, adjusted his uniform, and left his quarters. If he walked quickly and did not have to wait for turbolift E Three, he should be able to time his arrival at the Officers Mess so that he entered only moments after her.

Excellent. Not only was the turbolift not in use, but it was evidently already waiting at this location.

"Deck Two."

As the turbolift slid into motion, he pondered what Nyota's condition might be. No doubt she had found it difficult to sleep last night. Would she be tired and irritable? If so, he would tread cautiously. If her emotional state appeared stable, perhaps he could assuage any additional misgivings she might have invented during the night. It would benefit him to deal with those as quickly as possible.

He left the turbolift and walked briskly to the Officers Mess. She was just seating herself at a table in the corner, and she was not only alone but not within anyone else's hearing range. She met his eyes briefly, but he could not discern her mood. He nodded and stepped over to select his own breakfast.

He carried his tray to the table and seated himself across from her. "Good morning, Commander. Did you sleep well last night?"

"What do you think?" she said wearily.

"Ah. I assume, then, that you did not. Unfortunate. I, myself, slept quite well."

"How can you be so chipper?"

"I am confident. I know that I have done the right thing."

She picked up her fork for a moment, then put it down again. "Please don't get your hopes up. I haven't come to a decision. I'm so confused. I hardly slept all night. If I say yes, we might be setting ourselves up for disappointment again. If I say no, we might miss a wonderful opportunity. There just doesn't seem to be a correct answer."

"This is not a no-win scenario. There is a correct answer."

"I don't know, Spock. Maybe you don't have any reservations, but I have more than enough for both of us."

"Perhaps you should consider your own advice."

"What do you mean?"

"After your lackluster performance on the Kobayashi Maru test, you stated that you 'would go into every situation full steam ahead.' You would 'do it all the way or not do it at all.' Those are both verbatim quotes."

"I can't believe you. It's not the same!"

"Why not?"

"Because this isn't a command decision! You're talking about apples and oranges."

"I do not agree. You are faced with a situation about which you must make a decision. You can be overly cautious and always think about what might have been, or you can seize the moment and never have cause for regret. Perhaps events might not unfold as you had hoped, but you will have known that you tried. Of course, I know that events _will_ unfold as you hope. I have no doubt that we will succeed. Obviously, you have not yet reached that conclusion."

"No, I haven't."

"Then you must continue to think about it. Please remember, however, that you have commented in the past on my inability to try hard. This time, I intend to try very hard indeed to persuade you of the logic of the situation."

She sighed, but a tiny smile graced her lips. After a moment, he changed the topic, and they discussed the efficiency reports for the remainder of their meal.

...

That night, they sat in Spock's quarters and continued going over the reports. Or rather, Spock went over the reports. She kept staring at a single grape that had rolled way over to the other side of the room and evidently escaped his detection. It was hiding under the high, ornamental chest that he kept his Vulcan tea service on.

"I have been pleased with Cadet Moore's improvement at the helm." He paused. "Commander."

"What? Oh. Oh, yes. She's doing well. Maybe I'll say something to her about her high scores tomorrow."

"I am certain that would please her." He turned back to the computer.

If there was one grape under that chest, there might be more. Maybe she should go check.

"Cadet Jorgenson's score has not improved like I anticipated," he said. "His early scores were very promising, but since he rotated to Engineering, he has slipped. Computer. Flag Jorgenson's file for Mr. Scott's attention."

"Fraternization," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"Fraternization. What are we going to do about that? It was bad enough when you were the first officer and I was beneath you in the chain of command, but now you're the captain and I'm your first officer."

Obviously amused, he replied, "I know that I am the captain and that you are my first officer."

"Haven't you considered the fact that we might be pushing the fraternization guidelines just a little bit?"

"I have considered the fact that we would be pushing the fraternization guidelines a great deal, but I am unconcerned. We decided long ago that we would not allow that to deter us."

"Yes, and almost as soon as we made that decision, the guidelines became more strict and we ran into trouble."

"And now they are no longer so strict. Even if Command were to issue more stringent guidelines, however, I would still choose to be with you."

She held a hand out toward him. "What if you have to give an order that will put me in jeopardy?"

"Nyota, do you truly think such an order would be any more difficult were we intimately involved?"

"Oh. Probably not."

"Therefore, if you use this fear as a basis for our not pursuing an intimate relationship, you must also use it as a basis for our not serving together at all. In my opinion, it would be inefficient, for both Starfleet and for ourselves, to terminate our professional relationship on that basis. Do you agree?"

She couldn't help but smile. This man could use logic to rationalize anything. "I can't disagree with that."

"Exactly. Indeed, if Starfleet were to use affection as a basis for breaking up command teams, they would find that they had no effective command teams left."

"And I suppose that's exactly the argument you would use if anyone ever reprimanded us for having a relationship."

"I am certain that I would choose my words more carefully, but essentially you are correct." He watched her for a moment. "Are you satisfied?"

"I'm satisfied that you don't think fraternization is a problem. I'm still not so sure about myself."

He looked down at his hands for a moment, and when he spoke again, his flippant tone had vanished. "You have a legitimate concern. I assure you that I do not mean to dismiss it lightly. Fraternization is a problem. I have given it a great deal of thought, however, and I have come to the conclusion that we cannot allow a future possibility to impede a current certainty."

She nodded, still not positive she agreed. After a moment, he asked, "Do you have any other concerns that we should address?"

"Oh, yes, about a hundred, but there's nothing specific I want to talk about right at this moment."

"I understand. As soon as you are ready to discuss them, please inform me."

She nodded. If she didn't know better, she'd think that he was running a staff meeting, and he'd come to his meeting very well prepared. The thought was a little disconcerting. She knew that she'd probably end up making her decision based on a gut feeling, but how could that compete with logic? Nevertheless, she'd have to make sure that once she made her decision, she stuck with it, regardless of the arguments he would doubtlessly find to dispute it if it weren't to his liking.

Ready to continue, he turned the screen toward her, but she looked back down at the grape again. Spock sure wouldn't be very pleased if he stepped on it. The grapes had been everywhere last night. It was a wonder they hadn't squashed any of them.

Staring at the grape, she murmured, "Will you die, without me?"

He slowly lowered his hands to his lap as he turned back to her.

She looked away from the grape, facing him again. "Will you die if I say no?"

He tightened his lips briefly. "I do not know. Do not use that as a basis for your decision, however. It is not reason enough."

"How can I ignore that? If I say no, will I be condemning you to death? That's a lot of pressure on me."

"Nyota, you will do no one a favor if you say 'yes' on the basis of that alone. I will find some way to manage. Will you dismiss it from your list of concerns?"

Unable to stand it any longer, she got up and retrieved the grape, then tossed it into the recycler. When she sat back down, she saw that he was still waiting for her answer.

"I'll try, Spock, but I know it won't be easy."

She could tell that he was displeased with her answer, but there was nothing else she could say. Finally, he turned back to the computer screen, and they began working on the efficiency reports again.

...

"Captain, I'm receiving a distress signal."

"On speakers."

"Mayday, mayday. This is Kobayashi Maru. If you can hear us, please respond."

"Open channel."

"Yes, sir."

The captain frowned and leaned toward the arm of her chair. "Kobayashi Maru, this is Enterprise."

"Enterprise! Maybe... not too late. Hit gravitic mine... heavy casualties... hull breach. Warp and impulse... inoperative. Quickly losing oxygen... less than ten minutes..." The message was lost in static.

She turned toward the science officer. "Long-range scanners?"

"I can't locate the ship on scanners, Captain. There are a number of energy readings in the area, but I can't identify them. It's possible that it's a ship, or even more than one ship."

She faced forward again. "Helm. Take us right up to the edge of the neutral zone, warp one. Science officer, prepare a probe. We'll send it in and try to obtain more specific readings."

"But, sir! The Kobayashi Maru is running out of oxygen! By the time we prepare the probe and interpret the data, it could be too late to get there on time."

"I'm aware of that. Please prepare the probe as quickly as possible."

"Yes, sir."

The minutes ticking by... The fear that she had chosen wrong...

Suddenly, the speakers came back to life.

"Kobayashi Maru to Enterprise." The deep voice gasped for air. It seemed strangely familiar. "Please do not delay. We need you. We will die, without you."

"Kobayashi Maru, this is Enterprise. We are trying-" She tried to speak, but the voice did not seem to hear her.

"Oxygen low. Sixty-two percent casualties and rising. We need you. Fires out of control in engineering and on bridge. Do not abandon us."

"This is Enterprise. Please understand-"

A gasp. Screams from the background. "Do not condemn us to certain death. You can help us. Why do you not?"

"Please listen to me. I don't know what to do."

Agony, now. The deep voice shattered by terrible pain. "Please! Please-"

"Spock! Spock! No!"

Her eyes flying open, Uhura bolted upright and realized that she had shouted out loud. Oh, God... It was only a dream. A dream.

She flopped back onto the pillow, panting. Tomorrow, they were returning to Earth to administer the third Kobayashi Maru test. She'd been looking forward to it for weeks, but now it seemed ominous. She'd have to pull herself together. Saavik was to sit in the center seat, and she didn't want to spoil the young woman's big day.

End part 1


	6. Chapter 6

The Kobayashi Maru II, chapter 1

The day had finally come, after much anticipation.

Spock watched Saavik while she sat in the captain's chair and worked through the Kobayashi Maru simulation. She had not hesitated to enter the neutral zone after receiving the distress call, and he had been impressed by how quickly she had gathered all relevant data. When the Klingons appeared on the scene, he had overheard her employ a human curse, and he had feared momentarily that she might become angry and lose her composure. Apparently, however, she had managed to control her frustration, for she continued to relay her orders in a calm, rapid manner.

"Fire all phasers," she commanded.

Pretending to study his console, Spock said, "No power to the weapons, Captain."

Saavik turned toward him just as he had expected, and when his console erupted in sparks, he was able to stage his own demise with the knowledge that she would witness it. He staggered, then slumped to the floor. Perhaps he had invested additional effort into his 'death' this time, but he was confident in Saavik's ability to cope.

He heard Mr. Scott's voice ring out from the intercom. "Captain, it's no use. We're dead in space."

Saavik did not hesitate in her next series of commands. "Activate escape pods. Send out the log buoy. All hands, abandon ship. Repeat, all hands, abandon ship."

Spock could not deny that he was experiencing a sensation of great pride at this moment, but he could hardly be faulted for doing so.

Finally, Admiral Kirk ended the test. "All right, open 'er up."

The massive doors parted as the simulation ground to a halt, and Spock opened one eye to see Saavik stand at attention and address Kirk. "Any suggestions, Admiral?" she asked.

"Prayer, Mr. Saavik. The Klingons don't take prisoners. Lights." Kirk stepped forward. "Captain?"

Spock quickly looked up at Saavik. Even though her face was still, he could detect the storm brewing underneath. He had no doubt that Admiral Kirk saw it, too.

Standing, Spock said, "Trainees, to the briefing room."

As he exited the room, he glanced over at Commander Uhura to see if she intended to accompany him. She was standing with Sulu, however, watching Admiral Kirk. He slowed and attempted to catch her eye, but she did not notice. Unfortunate. He was most eager to hear her opinion of Saavik's performance.

...

"Hello, Hikaru. Ready to go to the Enterprise?"

Uhura noted that Sulu didn't look any more well-rested than she knew she did. After she and Spock had finished the post-Kobayashi Maru briefings yesterday, she and Sulu had gone over to Scotty's and stayed up late telling stories, drinking, and laughing. She'd felt a little guilty because she had known that Spock hoped she'd spend the evening with him, but she had also known that he understood. Sulu didn't come to town very often. Besides, spending the evening with Spock, knowing all the while that he was waiting on her decision, would have only served to confuse her even more. She needed some time away.

She smiled when Sulu tried to stifle a yawn. There had been a day when they could party all night and not feel the effects the next morning, but she supposed that day was long gone. And of course, her weariness was due to a lot more than simply staying out a few hours later than usual. For the third night in a row she had tossed and turned, unable to sleep. It was so hard to make it through those long, dark hours of the night, when it was all too easy to imagine a solid warmth right there beside her.

"Oh, you bet I'm ready!" Sulu looked around the shuttle bay waiting area. "Are Admiral Kirk and Dr. McCoy going up with us, or are they going to beam straight there?"

"They're riding with us. They should be here soon."

"Well, I'm glad they haven't arrived yet. I didn't get a chance to talk to you alone last night, and I've been dying to hear about your promotion. How's it going? Being first officer of the Enterprise, I mean."

"It's great! There have been a few adjustments, but it's good to work with Spock again."

_Even if he's asked me to make the biggest decision of my life_. She thought the words but didn't say them.

"How's that going?" Sulu asked. "Are the two of you, um, getting along okay?"

She turned toward him and put her hands on her hips. She'd suspected for a while that Sulu knew about her relationship with Spock, but neither he nor she had ever acknowledged it. Suddenly, she felt that she had to know.

"What do you mean, Hikaru? Why wouldn't Spock and I get along?"

His face turned red as he looked everywhere but in her eyes. "Uh, I don't know. I suppose that it's just been a while since the two of you were together. I mean since you worked together."

She smiled at his discomfort. "It's been a while since I worked with you, and I don't see anyone wondering how you and I get along."

"Okay. You got me." He smiled like a little boy who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Tell me. Are the two of you just friends or something more?"

"Right now, we're just friends, but we used to be more." She shook her head in amazement. "How did you find out?"

"I don't know. I suppose that I just always saw a spark between the two of you. What happened?"

"It's a long story, Hikaru, with lots of gory details. I'm sorry, but I really don't want to go into it. Suffice it to say that we're still trying to figure it all out."

"You said that you're just friends now, but that doesn't sound like the description of two people who are just friends."

She paused. Her first thought was that she should keep this between her and Spock, but Sulu was a good friend, a confidant who wouldn't talk about her secrets to anyone else. Maybe it would help her see everything more clearly if she talked it over with someone.

"It's been almost ten years since we ended our relationship, but I've never gotten over him. We both tried to move on, to put it behind us, but I couldn't, and evidently neither could he. Oh, Hikaru, he wants me back, and I just don't know what to do."

He studied her for a moment, his eyes troubled. "You still care about him."

"I'll love him forever."

"And obviously he still cares about you. Is there a problem? Is it because of fraternization?"

She shook her head. "That's part of it, but we had to cope with fraternization before. I'm sure we could again."

"I know it's not so simple, but if you want him and he wants you, maybe you should give it another try."

"Years ago, we tried. We tried so hard, or at least I did. And to be fair to Spock, I know that he did too. Our definitions of what it meant to 'try' were never the same, however. The gulf between us was much more complicated than just the cultural misunderstandings you might expect between a human and a Vulcan. No, our differences went right down to the core of who he is and who I am. He insists that it would be different now, but would it really? He's still who he is, and I'm still who I am. Ending our relationship was the most painful thing I've ever had to do, and it would kill me to have to go through that again."

"But if you don't try, what will happen?"

"I suppose we'll redefine what we mean to each other within the parameters of a close friendship. We've done it before. We can do it again."

"It hurts me to see you so torn, Nyota. I wish I could give you some good advice, but I don't know if I can." He grasped her hand. "I guess about all I can offer is that you can't let fear from the past destroy your future. I know it's hard to move beyond pain when it's still fresh in your mind, but sometimes you have to remember that pain isn't always bad. Sometimes you can learn from the mistakes that caused it. I'm sure Spock knows that. If he made mistakes before, maybe he has grown. He's a good person, and I'm sure that he would do anything in his power to avoid hurting you again. And he's a smart guy. He knows a good thing when he sees one. He let you get away once. He won't want to let it happen again."

She smiled. Hikaru was such a wonderful friend, and it calmed her to hear his smart, caring words. Before she could tell him how good it was to know that she had someone like him to talk to, however, she heard a demanding voice.

"Hello, Commander Uhura, Commander Sulu. Let's get this show on the road."

Sulu whispered, "Please think about it. And remember that you can talk to me anytime."

"Thank you, Hikaru." She gave his arm an affectionate squeeze, then turned. "Hello, Admiral Kirk, Dr. McCoy. Are you two ready to go up to the Enterprise?"

McCoy threw a disgruntled look at the Admiral, evidently not happy with the other man's gruff tone. "Yes, we are, and we're glad to be here."

"Good. The shuttle is waiting." She gestured toward the door. "If you'll come with me..."

The four of them entered the shuttle deck and climbed the steps onto the ship. Uhura situated herself in the pilot's seat and was amused to notice that instead of sitting back in the passenger area, Sulu made a beeline for the copilot's seat. She waited until Kirk and McCoy had seated themselves, then called for take-off.

The doors parted, and she maneuvered the ship out of the shuttle bay. As they cleared the San Francisco skyline, she looked over at Sulu.

"Commander Sulu, would you care to do the honors?" she asked.

He turned toward her with a huge smile on his face. "May I?"

"I'd love for you to take us up to the Enterprise."

Beaming, he ran his hands across the board, assuming control of all functions. They soared up into the clear, blue sky and quickly left Earth behind them. Uhura glanced around the shuttle at the three men, but no one spoke, each evidently caught up in his own appreciation of the moment.

A message from the ship interrupted their silence. "Enterprise to Admiral Kirk's shuttle. You are cleared for docking. Approach portside torpedo bay."

Clearly relishing every word, Sulu said, "Enterprise, this is Admiral Kirk's party on final approach."

"Enterprise welcomes you. Prepare for docking."

Rising from his seat, Kirk leaned close to the front viewscreen and muttered, "I hate inspections."

Sulu shook his head fondly. "I'm delighted. Any chance to go aboard the Enterprise."

"I for one am glad to have you at the helm for three weeks. I don't think these kids can steer."

Although Uhura knew that Kirk was just kidding, she couldn't help but throw a small frown his way. He thinks these kids can't steer? Just wait! He'd see exactly what these kids could do. The next moment, however, her annoyance faded. The ship was majestic, and she felt a lump in her throat as she gazed through the eyes of the three men with her. Even though she had only been reassigned to this glorious vessel for a short while, she still belonged. The other three were guests, here just to relive the old memories they all shared.

Finally, they landed gently on the shuttlecraft deck. Sulu caught her eye just before they stood to leave, and she saw the gleam of gratitude.

"It was my pleasure, Commander," she murmured.

They were whistled on board the ship, and Spock stepped forward to greet them. Behind him, everyone stood at stiff attention, awaiting Kirk's perusal. Although Kirk had grumbled about having to do this, Uhura could see that he was happy to be back on board, and he handed her something before he walked forward. It was... a book. How odd! She paused, amazed at the incongruity of his bringing a leather-bound book to a cadet review on the Enterprise.

She and Sulu fell into attention with the cadets and crew. Spock looked so handsome. No matter what else happened between her and him, she never failed to feel that thrill of appreciation when she saw him standing so tall and dignified, his face solemn and his hands clasped behind his back. That would always be the image she carried with her.

And there was Saavik, behind the other cadets. Lieutenant Saavik. It was so hard to believe! Uhura was proud of all Saavik's accomplishments, but this one was even more extraordinary, for the young girl had been promoted to lieutenant ahead of her class. The senior Academy staff's decision had come as a total surprise, even to Spock. She'd never seen such pride on his face as when the news was announced at the usual end-of-week assembly, and he had even searched out Uhura's eyes as Saavik climbed up to the podium.

Spock paced by, drawing her attention back to the inspection. She hadn't had a chance to talk to him alone either today or yesterday. She knew that the next time she saw him, he'd ask her again what she had decided, and she would have to tell him, "Nothing." Nothing. How could she ever make a choice? If she said yes, would she condemn them to repeat the pain of before? If she said no, would she destroy any last chance they might have for happiness? As if understanding her thoughts, he glanced over at her face, but she averted her gaze.

Finally, the inspection was over. From the corner of her eye, she saw Spock approaching, and she suddenly felt so self-conscious that she opened the book and pretended to read it as she walked right past him. She felt terrible avoiding him like that, but she knew she couldn't face him right here, in front of Saavik and Sulu, and even Kirk and McCoy-all people who would take one look at her and know something was up.

As she reached the doorway, she finally managed to focus on the words beneath her nose. There, inside the cover, was a simple inscription. "To Jim. Happy Birthday. From Spock."

Surprised, she searched for him. He stood with Saavik, and she smiled when she heard a snippet of Vulcan. Their voices were very low and she couldn't make out the words, but she'd heard enough to recognize the language. Wasn't this something! Spock and Saavik, together on the Enterprise. This had been Saavik's goal since the day she heard Spock tell his very first story, and it was hard to believe that she was finally here. Uhura could see by Spock's demeanor that he recognized the importance of the occasion, too.

Wouldn't it be nice to share moments like this with him again? Really share them?

She walked out of the room, pushing away the sudden urge to feel him in her arms once again and know that's where he belonged.

End part 2, chapter 1


	7. Chapter 7

The Kobayashi Maru II, chapter 2

Passing the salad bowl to Spock, Nyota asked, "So, Saavik, what did you think about your first day on the Enterprise as a member of her crew?"

"I found it most rewarding, Nyota. It is just as I always thought it would be. All operations run smoothly, and everyone I encountered was efficient, kind, and helpful." Saavik turned toward Spock, her eyes wide. "I must admit, however, that I was nervous when you allowed me to take the ship out of spacedock. Admiral Kirk appeared to be nervous, too."

"Admiral Kirk has faith in your abilities, Saavikam." Spock decided that such a statement was not entirely false, as long as one did not question to which abilities he actually referred. "At any rate, he knew that I would not have asked you to perform beyond your capabilities."

"Perhaps so." Saavik chewed thoughtfully. "I was pleased that you asked me to do it, despite any misgivings I might have experienced. When the Enterprise sailed free and clear of spacedock, it was the most exceptional moment of my life. And I was seated in the captain's chair! Over the years I have imagined such a moment, but my imagination was inadequate when compared to reality."

"I thought it was wonderful too, Saavik," said Nyota. "I was so proud of you that I thought I might burst. You've done so well! Tomorrow, you-"

Nyota fell silent when Saavik's communicator beeped.

Saavik put down her fork and answered it. "Saavik here."

A youthful male voice emanated from her communicator. "Uh, Saavik? It's Patrick. I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I'm up on the bridge with Matt and we can't figure out how to interpret the results of these scans. Since you're so good at all that stuff, we thought that maybe, er, maybe you could come help us."

Spock raised an eyebrow and met Nyota's eyes. He could see that she was surprised as well and trying not to smile. He looked away before Saavik noticed their reactions.

Scowling, Saavik said, "Patrick, have you even attempted to obtain assistance using the computer? Last time, it was very easy to determine the answer once I showed you where to look."

"Well, Matt tried, but he wasn't sure what he was trying to find. C'mon, Saavik. Please?"

Saavik sighed. "Excuse me a moment." Silencing her communicator, she turned toward Spock and Nyota. "I do not wish to be impolite, but..."

Before Spock could respond that Saavik would do well to consume a nourishing meal, Nyota waved her hand and said, "Of course we don't mind. We know that you have a million things you'd rather do right now, anyway. Go, and enjoy your first evening on the ship! We'll sit down and have a nice meal together sometime else."

Obviously eager to leave, Saavik looked toward Spock for confirmation. Since it was clear he had been outmaneuvered, he could do nothing but nod. Saavik reactivated her communicator.

"I will be there shortly, Patrick. Saavik out." She carried her plate to the recycler. "I am sorry to leave you, but clearly Patrick and Matt are in need of my assistance. Sometimes I think that they are the two most stupid boys I have ever met! Truly, they cannot run the most basic scans without requesting my assistance."

Nyota grinned. "Well, they're lucky they have you to call for help."

"I have told them so on more than one occasion. I will see you both tomorrow."

"Good night, Saavikam." Spock watched her scurry out the door, then turned to Nyota. "Perhaps I should construct a refresher course for Cadets Houlihan and Brisko. They appear to be struggling with their duties."

Laughing, Nyota shook her head. "Oh, I promise you that they know exactly what they're doing. They got Saavik to join them, didn't they? She's a pretty young woman. They're energetic young men."

"Am I to understand that you believe it all a ploy to acquire her company for the evening?"

"You bet it is!"

He frowned. "Perhaps I should discuss their intentions-"

"Heavens, Spock. Don't do that! You'd embarrass everyone. Just let it go. Nothing is likely to come of it. And if something does..." She shrugged. "Well, that's youth. It's appropriate, and frankly about time. Besides, if you still can't stand it, you can have a little talk with an interested suitor then."

He met her eyes and was pleased to notice the easy smile on her face. Not surprisingly, she had been somewhat tense recently when with him, and he wished to appreciate the moment. Before he could encourage her relaxed mood, however, she seemed to remember her predicament and her smile faded.

Looking down at her plate, she speared a green bean and self-consciously put it in her mouth.

"Nyota." He waited until she looked back up at him again. "Are you any closer to having resolved your misgivings about my proposal?"

Her shoulders sagged as she studied her food. After a moment, she placed her fork on the plate and looked back up at him. "I'm sorry, but I'm just so confused. There's no question in my mind about my feelings for you, but I have too many doubts over whether we could make it work this time."

"If you describe your doubts to me, I will be pleased to assuage them."

"I don't know... There's just so much..." She fiddled with her napkin, then abruptly extended a hand toward him and stated, "Sex."

He raised an eyebrow. "That concerns you? It was my understanding that you rather enjoyed sexual activity."

"I do, but it was always more important to me than it was to you."

Choosing his words carefully, he said, "Granted, physical proximity has never been synonymous with closeness to me, but I have no objection to it, either."

"I always wanted more sex than you did. Are you sure that we're compatible? I mean, would that become a problem?"

"I am willing to make the sacrifice."

She studied his face for a moment, then chuckled. "I suppose that I'm worrying over nothing, there. We were always fine in that arena."

"Yes, we were. We could be again, if you would only say yes."

She was silent as they gazed at one another.

"Say yes," he murmured.

Her eyes widened, but she still didn't respond.

Encouraged by the fact that she did not say no, he leaned closer. "Say yes, Nyota. It is only logical. We are compatible. We care about one another. Even though our relationship did not end well before, it was very good at one time. We can recapture that."

Finally, she shook herself out of her trance. "I... I'm sorry. I can't refuse you, but I can't say yes, either. Please..."

"I have no doubt that we belong together. Allow me to prove it to you."

She pushed herself out of her chair, "I can't. I just can't. Every time I think of how good it was between us, I remember how it ended, and it hurts all over again."

She shook her head and rushed from his quarters. He watched the door slide shut behind her, then looked over at her empty seat. It was unfortunate that she had allowed herself to become so agitated over this, but eventually she would see the logic of the situation. He would have to remain patient.

He picked up his fork and continued eating his meal.

...

Pushing her hair away from her face, Uhura entered the turbolift. It had been so hard to walk away from Spock's entreaties, but she didn't have a choice. She had to make this decision for all the right reasons, not simply because she couldn't resist his allure.

Now, where was she going? Without even thinking, she'd walked to the lift.

Exhaling, she said, "Bridge."

She could go up there and see what was happening. Things were probably slow, but sometimes that was the best time to sit down with the cadets. Besides, Saavik was there, and she was really curious about Saavik's interactions with the young men.

The doors opened, and she headed toward her station. The trainee who was supposed to be seated there flinched guiltily and started to move away from where he chatted with the engineering trainee, but Uhura waved him off. She didn't expect him to pin himself to his station. As long as he kept a receiver in his ear, he was fine. Besides, she was glad to find her seat empty, because she really needed to clear her mind, and working might be the best way to do it.

Before she had even situated herself, she received an incoming message for Admiral Kirk from a Dr. Carol Marcus. The name was familiar, but she couldn't quite place her. The woman sounded agitated, and Uhura quickly patched the message through to Admiral Kirk.

That done, she kicked off her routine diagnostics. Maybe if she treated this as if it were simply the beginning of a shift, she could fool herself into thinking about work, instead of...

How irresistible Spock's voice had been.

_Say yes._

_Say yes, Nyota._

_I have no doubt that we belong together. Allow me to prove it to you._

She was drawn from her thoughts by a signal from her board.

"Admiral Kirk to communications officer."

"Uhura here."

"Uhura, please patch me through to Starfleet Command."

"Yes, sir."

How interesting. Unable to resist wondering if this call had anything to do with the call from Dr. Marcus, Uhura raised Starfleet Command and transferred communications back to Admiral Kirk. Maybe it was good that she'd come back to duty-things seemed to be heating up a little. Besides, she felt better already, slipping into the familiarity of her bridge routine. She finished her diagnostics and busied herself with some reports.

The lift doors opened and Admiral Kirk stalked onto the bridge. She could tell before he even spoke that something was up.

"Put me on speakers." Kirk addressed the crew. "An emergency situation has arisen. By order of Starfleet Command as of now, 1800 hours, I am assuming command of this vessel. Duty officer, so note in ship's log. Plot a new course for space laboratory Regula One."

Turning to her board while Kirk called Scotty to ask for warp speed, Uhura searched for the orders. Yes-there they were. She turned back to Kirk as Saavik confirmed that the ship was ready for warp.

Kirk leaned against Sulu's console, then looked around the bridge. "I know that none of you were expecting this. I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to grow up a little bit sooner than you'd expected. Warp five, Mr. Sulu."

With that, he turned and left, and Uhura shook her head. What was going on? Did Spock know about this? It had all happened quickly, but she was sure Kirk wouldn't assume command without first seeking out Spock's blessing.

She swiveled in her chair to see Saavik watching her, an equally perplexed expression on her face.

...

Eighteen point four hours later, Spock sat calmly in the center chair and watched Uhura while she spoke for the benefit of anyone who might be eavesdropping.

"Sir, we won't leave you behind."

Kirk's voice emanated from the speaker. "Uhura, if you don't hear from us, there won't be anyone behind. Kirk out."

Spock nodded, satisfied with the exchange, as he left his seat and approached Uhura. "Coordinate operations on the bridge while I assist Mr. Scott down in Engineering," he said in a low voice. "We can assume that Admiral Kirk's investigation of the space station and environs will be complete at the appointed time. We must be ready to take action immediately upon his return."

"Yes, sir."

He could see the questions in her eyes, but as a seasoned officer she did not ask them. He knew that she understood their need for brevity, and that she trusted him to tell her what she needed to know when she needed to know it. She would function with a minimum of information now; later, there would be time for a more detailed explanation. He nodded, acknowledging his appreciation, and she smiled gently before returning to her work. He would be pleased when this was over. They had been unable to share their customary late-night cup of tea for the past two days, and obviously they would not have time to do so tonight, either. He had become accustomed to their quiet evenings together, and he missed her.

He would have to ensure that he expressed this thought to her after the current crisis was over.

He heard her juggling the flurry of damage reports as he entered the turbolift, but he dismissed everything from his mind except for thoughts of what must be done to coax the ship back into operation. At the moment, engineering repairs must take precedence over all else. Warp engines were out, and the Enterprise was operating on battery power only. Mr. Scott was hopeful that he would have auxiliary power soon, and Spock knew that they were racing with their opponent to see which ship regained battle capacity first.

Khan was obviously insane.

Aboard the Reliant, he was determined to destroy not only Kirk but all that mattered to Kirk. Spock had no doubt that if Khan effected his repairs first, the Enterprise would have no chance of winning this contest.

End part 2, chapter 2


	8. Chapter 8

The Kobayashi Maru II, chapter 3

Transfixed by the strange energy pattern, Uhura stared at the viewscreen. They had beaten Khan, but in the end, would Khan finally triumph over them? David Marcus had identified this pattern as the Genesis wave, and even though the term was new to her, she knew it wasn't good. She'd seen the look that passed from Kirk to the younger Dr. Marcus, a look of impending disaster. Strangely, she hadn't felt overly alarmed throughout any of this-Khan's crippling initial attack, the dodgy game of cat and mouse, the long, tense battle in the Nebula-but now, suddenly, she was gripped by an almost paralyzing, suffocating fear.

As they limped away from the Reliant, they seemed to slip into a universe where time no longer had any meaning. Each second became an eternity, each shudder of the battle-weary ship was greater than the last, and she knew, somehow, without truly knowing, that this time death would catch them before they could escape. She had her back to Spock, and more than anything she longed to turn and gaze into his eyes one last time, but she felt as if she no longer had a will of her own. All she could do was stare glassy-eyed at the viewscreen. She didn't have the right to turn to him, anyway. She had avoided his eyes yesterday on the shuttle deck, so who was she to turn to him now? They could have lived their last days together, happy if only for a few brief moments, but she hadn't allowed it to happen.

Someone shattered the deathly silence. "Sir! The mains are back online!"

"Bless you Scotty. Go, Sulu!"

Gathering herself, the ship seemed to swell with power before she leapt into warp, cutting through space only a hairsbreadth in front of a tremendous explosion on the Reliant. The jubilant bridge crew came back to life, and suddenly time slipped back into a normal rhythm, each second followed closely by the next, the minutes flowing smoothly again.

"Kirk to Engineering. Well done, Scotty!"

"Jim, I think you better get down here. Better hurry."

She glanced up at the sound of McCoy's subdued voice. Kirk, obviously understanding something that she didn't, immediately looked over at Spock. Her eyes followed his, and she saw... nothing. An empty chair. Kirk, as pale as death, clutched the arm of his chair then hurtled off the bridge. Oh God.

What had Spock done?

Longing to throw herself into the turbolift after Kirk, she knew she couldn't leave the bridge. Kirk was gone, Spock was gone... She was the ranking officer. Kirk had transferred command to Saavik, but he'd obviously done it without thinking clearly. A child couldn't be left in command right now. Uhura had to stay. She turned to her board and frantically began running through the ship's internal communications, desperately trying to pick up something, _anything_ that might give her a clue as to what Spock had done.

McCoy had been in Engineering. He had told Admiral Kirk to come to Engineering. That must be where she would find Spock. Maybe there was simply a problem down there, and she could reach Spock via his communicator.

"Captain Spock. Captain Spock. Please respond." Her voice was shaky, but she forced the words beyond her lips. "This is Commander Uhura, please respond."

Static. Almost as if something had fried his communicator.

Reports were coming in from all over the ship now, and she acknowledged them and rerouted them without ever ceasing her search for a word from Engineering. Thank God she'd done this a thousand times before, because somehow she managed to work competently while the blood pounded through her ears, while her fingers began to tremble and her chest felt so tight she could hardly breathe.

"Yes."

There! Kirk's voice. She was picking it up on an internal circuit between the reactor room and main engineering. Who was where? Was Spock in the reactor room, or Kirk? Was it simply an open circuit? She frowned and tried to hear through the static.

A weak, raspy voice responded to Kirk.

"Don't grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many... outweigh..."

Was that really Spock? Although she could never mistake his voice, it was so rough, so hoarse and strained. He sounded as if he were in terrible, wrenching pain, and her own heart lurched in her chest when she realized that Spock had used a contraction: don't. His actual words barely registered as she focused on how inconceivable it was that Spock would use a contraction.

"The needs of the few." Kirk again.

"Or the one." Long pause, and a gasp. Spock, gasping for breath. "I never took the Kobayashi Maru. Until now. What do you think of my solution?"

Oh, God. The Kobayashi Maru.

"Spock." That was Kirk.

Suddenly, his words were swallowed by static, and she wanted to scream, to pound on the console to make him come back. No! She had to hear this, she had to hear-

Just as suddenly, the static subsided to reveal Spock's voice again.

"...long, and prosper."

"No." Kirk.

"Oh, no. No." Her own voice. "Spock, no."

Silence, from Engineering.

Unable to stop the small, choked sound that squeezed from her throat, she bowed her head and closed her eyes. The messages continued to flood into her receiver from all over the ship, but they subsided into a buzzing, whirring background noise. What had she heard? Had she really heard...

No. The thought refused to solidify.

She opened her eyes to see Sulu watching her, incredible confusion on his face. She looked over to see Saavik, proficiently operating her console but glancing every few seconds at Spock's empty chair, fright obvious in the set of her shoulders. All around the bridge, the trainees performed their duties, but they were children. They might have matured into able Starfleet officers when they were called into action, but now, to her eyes, they were scared young children again. They needed her.

Not completely aware of how she did it, she turned back to her board and began coordinating damage reports, casualty reports, and shipwide operations. They were out of danger now, but there was still a lot to be done. A sense of unreality surrounded her, dulling her senses, and she marveled over the fact that she could lean toward her board, flip a switch, move, talk, breathe... She could keep going.

Gradually, everything calmed. She didn't know how long she'd been sitting here, functioning as automatically and unfeelingly as a robot, but it seemed like forever. No one had reported in from Engineering yet, and finally she couldn't stand it any longer. Knowing that she should probably simply call down there, she nevertheless stood and gestured toward Cadet Inida.

"Cadet, please take over communications. I'm going down to Engineering."

Saavik whirled around in her chair, her eyes wide and frightened. "Take me with you."

"No, Saavik. I'm sorry."

"Please."

Her heart breaking at the pain in the young girl's voice, Uhura shook her head. "Do you want to be removed from duty?"

"I want to go with you."

"Please understand, Saavik. I need to go alone. If you're too upset to stay here, however-"

"No." Saavik swallowed. "Spock would want me to remain at my post. I'll stay here. Just please come back and tell me what is happening."

"I will." Uhura gripped Saavik's arm for a long moment, gaining strength as well as imparting it, and then turned toward Sulu. "Mr. Sulu, you have the bridge."

"Yes, sir."

Sulu's eyes were full of pain and sympathy, and Uhura almost lost her resolve. Willing herself to keep moving, she turned and walked to the turbolift. One foot in front of the other. Keep going, keep going.

"Engineering."

The turbolift eased into motion. The ride was long, and when it opened onto the corridor, the corridor was even longer. People bustled past, alone and in groups, carrying equipment and empty-handed, their faces smudged and their uniforms scorched, but she didn't see them as she watched the end of the corridor grow nearer and nearer. Engineering.

The doors opened and she stepped into the room. There was McCoy, standing numbly on the lower level. Climbing down the ladder, she noticed that the room seemed to be larger, the lights seemed to be brighter, and the noises surrounding her echoed more sharply and hollowly than ever before.

Her step slowed as she approached McCoy. He didn't see her even though she walked right in front of him. His eyes unfocused, he appeared to be in a daze. Scotty, close to the reactor chamber, walked with his head down. She caught a glimpse of red eyes, a puffy face. And there was Kirk, standing beside McCoy, his face as ashen as a corpse. Slowly, she turned so that she could see what they were all looking at.

On the chamber floor, in the doorway, were a pair of gloves, the heavy gloves that Scotty often wore. They had been discarded carelessly, forgotten. Willing her eyes to move beyond them, her gaze traveled slowly toward the interior of the chamber. Two members of the medical staff, nameless, faceless, hovered by a figure stretched out on an anti-grav gurney. There was a sheet over the figure.

Someone had died.

Unwilling to believe, unable to comprehend, she watched as the two people moved the body out of the chamber. The figure was completely covered except for a hand that had slipped off the gurney, and as the small procession passed, her eyes glued themselves to the sight of long, elegant fingers, dangling lifelessly-burned, blistered, a testament to excruciating, horrifying final moments.

Oh, no...

The room spun around her, but somehow she stayed on her feet. Her entire body was rigid, yet she felt boneless. Suddenly, she felt a gentle hand on her arm, and she tore her eyes away from the gurney to see who dared to touch her with warm, living fingers.

It was Kirk.

His grief awful, he looked into her eyes. "I'm sorry, Uhura. I'm so sorry."

She opened her mouth to respond but didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry." His voice caught, and he couldn't continue.

Finally, she found her own voice, and she surprised even herself by the inane words that came from her mouth. "Is he dead?"

Kirk sagged as he stared into her eyes. He didn't answer her question. Turning away, she saw the med techs escort the gurney from the room.

"I have to..." She was cold, so cold. She pulled out of Kirk's grasp and wrapped her hands around her arms. "I have to go back to the bridge. Saavik's waiting to hear. She needs to know."

"Uhura."

She walked away, knowing that if she acknowledged him, she would shatter into a million fragments. She couldn't fall apart, not now. There was too much that needed to be done.

...

She left the turbolift and walked toward Saavik. The young lieutenant had glanced up the moment the turbolift doors opened, and now she didn't look away. Spock would be so proud. Saavik's face was expressionless, but Uhura could see that she already comprehended everything. When Uhura reached her side, she reached out and smoothed the hair away from Saavik's forehead, just like she'd done when Saavik was young and in need of reassurance. Finally, Saavik closed her eyes, and Uhura saw her fight to retain her composure.

Uhura moved to the captain's chair. Seating herself, she took a moment to breathe deeply, then turned to Cadet Inida at communications.

"Cadet. Give me a list of casualties."

"Yes, sir."

Inida downloaded the various departmental reports onto a padd and brought it to Uhura. Uhura accepted it with a nod, then turned her attention to the contents. Name after name-deaths, life-threatening injuries, wounds in need of attention, bumps and bruises. It was all here. She scanned it quickly and noticed that one significant name was missing.

She looked up to see Sulu watching her. His voice unnaturally calm, he asked, "Who, Nyota?"

"I'll just read the list. Cadet Lucille Holloway. Midshipman First Class Hai Thanh. Midshipman Second Class Richard Buckley. Cadet Lee Penningford. Cadet T'Pela. Cadet Christina Appollos. Midshipman Second Class Rodrigo Castaneda. Lieutenant Ili Mbono. Lieutenant Ellen Pickett. Lieutenant Commander Maria Spinelli. Midshipman First Class Peter Preston. Midshipman First Class Samuel Owada. Cadet Omar Quabili. Lieutenant Dakang Sharpe. Cadet Otto Miller. Cadet Brenda Fister. Midshipman Second Class Lois Zumwalt. Lieutenant Thris."

She thumbed off the padd and closed her eyes. "And Captain... Captain..."

Her voice had become unsteady, but she forced herself to continue.

"Captain Spock."

It seemed so inadequate to just say it like this, but it was all she could do. She opened her eyes to see every member of the bridge crew watching her. Some people were too stunned to react and others were crying openly, but Saavik's back was straight, and Uhura could see the grief and pride shining from her eyes. Sulu, too, gazed at her through eyes brimming with unshed tears, and she could see his compassion written in his expression. Chekov, open-mouthed, had grown pale and unsteady, and he gripped his station as if it were all that anchored him to the ship.

She stood. "Sulu, you have the con."

Not knowing where she would go, she left the bridge.

End part 2, chapter 3


	9. Chapter 9

The Kobayashi Maru II, Chapter 4

0001 hours. A new day. Kirk had returned to the bridge to start putting the pieces back together, so Uhura decided that it was time for her to go elsewhere. She was so weary that she could hardly function, but she knew that the cadets around the ship needed to see her face, to know that she was still here even if their beloved teacher was not. She'd already patrolled the ship once, but she hadn't really seen anything. It was important now that she examine the damage for herself. She also needed to visit the wounded in sickbay. More than anything, she needed to talk to Dr. McCoy.

Almost of their own volition, her feet took her to sickbay first.

Looking up when she walked through the door, McCoy said, "Hello, Uhura. Do you need me to take a look at something?" His eyes were dull, and she could tell that he was operating on autopilot.

"No, nothing like that. Can I see Spock?"

"Oh." Dismay crumpled his face. "You don't want to do that. Really, it's better if you don't."

Finding the strength to speak forcefully, she replied, "Doctor, please. I have to see him. Please. _Please_."

McCoy studied her face, then dropped his eyes and nodded. "All right. Come with me. I have to warn you that he's, uh, not in good shape. This won't be easy."

He led her through sickbay until they reached a door at the very end of a corridor. The sign on the door said 'Stasis,' but she knew it for what it was. The morgue. McCoy met her eyes once more to make sure she really wanted to do this, and then entered the room.

All around them, small red lights glowed to indicate that stasis tubes were in use. In each tube was someone's son, someone's sister, someone's father, someone's lover... A shiver rushed through her, and she didn't know if it was from the room's low temperature or from her own hollow thoughts.

McCoy walked to the first row of tubes without hesitation and keyed a series of commands into a small control. A tube slid out, and he took a deep breath before opening it to reveal a figure shrouded by a silver blanket.

Stepping close, Uhura gently folded back the blanket.

"Spock." Her legs felt weak, but somehow she stayed upright. "Oh, Spock."

The radiation had been so cruel to him, ravaging his handsome, exotic face. His eyes were closed as if he were asleep, but she knew that no one so wounded would repose so peacefully. His wonderful hands, folded across his bare chest, were a horrible ashen color, gnarled where the skin had almost melted away. Even his beautiful, shiny black hair had turned a dull smoky shade, coarse where it had once been slick, mussed where it had always been smooth.

She extended tentative fingertips to brush his cheek. His flesh was clammy beneath her touch. "He's so cold, Doctor. Spock never liked to be cold."

"He doesn't care anymore, Nyota," he said gently.

She closed her eyes. "Yes," she said. "Of course."

"I think that's enough."

McCoy carefully pushed her hand back, then pulled the blanket up over Spock's face and closed the tube. She watched numbly as the tube slid back into place with all the others.

Taking her elbow, he steered her from the room. They walked quietly until they had reached the main portion of sickbay again.

He faced her. "We need to make arrangements."

Still adjusting to the brighter lights, she blinked and tried to focus on his words. "Yes. Yes, we do."

"Spock's last wishes don't specify much about disposition of his remains, except to request that he not be returned to Vulcan. Maybe you and Jim could plan a nice service for him here. I think he'd appreciate that."

She nodded.

"Good. And could I ask you to do something else? His uniform was ruined by the radiation, so I need a new one."

"I'll bring you one."

"Okay." He hesitated for a moment. "You know that Spock still cared very deeply for you."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No, but somehow I just know that it's true."

Grasping his arm, she murmured, "Thank you, Doctor. For everything."

She walked away, unable to bear his compassion another moment.

...

She looked over at Kirk, then keyed the command to open Spock's door. She hadn't even needed to look up an override, for Spock had always refused to lock his door. They stepped into the room and stood, wordlessly looking around.

Officially, they were here to seal Spock's quarters, but unofficially, she knew that they both simply wanted to be near him one last time. And it almost worked. His quarters looked so unchanged, so familiar, that she expected him to walk out of his bedroom and offer her a cup of tea. She would sit down at his desk and be lulled by his voice as they discussed something trivial. She would laugh and savor his appreciation of her laughter. She had always known that he liked to hear her laugh.

Self-consciously aware that Kirk was waiting for her to make the first move, she walked directly to the closet in the back room. McCoy had suggested that they bring a uniform for Spock, but she had a better idea-his robe. She loved to look at him in uniform, but the long, black robe that he would wear when he meditated was so purely, uniquely him that she knew nothing else would do.

She glanced back at Kirk before reaching into the closet to retrieve the robe. The fabric was cool and heavy, soothing against her hands, and the slightly spicy scent she always associated with Spock drifted faintly into the air.

"Dr. McCoy wanted me to bring something for Spock to wear, and I... I thought..."

Suddenly, she felt something give within her, and she pulled the empty piece of fabric up against her chest. This robe, so black, so Vulcan, that Spock wore every night when he meditated-it had covered that strong, warm body that she loved, and it would cover it once again, finally, forever. Her knees slowly buckled, and she knelt on the floor as the tears bubbled up from deep within.

"Oh, God. He's gone, he's gone." She buried her face in the crumpled robe. "Spock, yes, oh yes, my answer is yes."

Vaguely, she realized that Kirk had knelt beside her and pulled her into his arms. She leaned against him, seeking support, but she couldn't stop the horrible, wracking sobs that shook her entire body.

"Shhh. Nyota." His voice was unsteady as he smoothed her hair.

"I loved him, I loved him so much, but he left me, he left us all, and I never told him yes. I'm so angry at him, I love him, I want him, oh God, how can I live without ever seeing his face again?"

The pain was so horrible that she thought she would die, too. Gasping and choking, she felt the fabric grow wet against her face. Gradually, though, the tears slowed, and she was able to take a huge, shuddering breath. Her arms dropped, unable to hold their precious burden, and the robe fell across her lap. She stared sightlessly at it as she ran her fingers along the embroidered sigil that adorned the front.

Kirk released her, and she looked up to see that his own eyes were brimming with tears.

"He asked me to come back to him," she pleaded, "but I wouldn't. I was too afraid. He wanted me to say yes, but I wouldn't. God forgive me, I wouldn't."

"I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"And now he's gone, and I can never give him my answer. Oh, if only I could go back and do it all over again, I'd do it so differently, I swear I would."

"I'm sure he understood. You should know that he was at peace with himself when he died. He was calm and accepting, as if he didn't have any unfinished business."

"I'm so glad that you were with him at the end," she said thickly.

"Maybe you should have been there instead. When I left the bridge, I was only thinking of myself. I'm sorry if I selfishly took that last chance away from you."

"Oh no, Admiral, no." She placed her hand on his arm. "It was right that you were with him. Even when he was mine, I knew he wasn't all mine. He was so devoted to you. That was one of the things I loved the most about him."

He grinned crookedly. "I don't know of another person who would comfort me when her own heart is breaking. He was lucky to have a loving, compassionate woman like you in his life. You two may have had your ups and downs, but your friendship endured."

"You're right. I have a lot to be grateful for."

"We both do."

She gathered up the robe and he helped her to her feet, and she took one last look around the room as she followed him to the door. She'd had many good years with Spock, and the memories of these last few months, the hours they had spent working side-by-side, would last her forever. They would have to. Because she couldn't make a decision, it finally was all they had. She had failed the Kobayashi Maru, and in doing so, had failed him.

Kirk walked toward the doorway. Just before he activated the sensor that would open the door, however, she said, "Just a minute."

She crossed the room and stopped before the firepot. The tiny flame still flickered, but she knew that they couldn't leave it like this. She closed her eyes briefly, then blew it out.

She hurried back over to the door, and together they contacted Chekov to inform him that it was time to seal Spock's quarters.

...

The plaintive wail of the bagpipes filled the chamber while they watched Spock's coffin move slowly toward its destination. Uhura tried to sing softly for the benefit of no one but herself, but she remembered a warm, dark night when she and Spock had sat under the Dantrian stars, and her voice caught in her throat. On that night, she had idly sung "Amazing Grace," and it had prompted a discussion about childhood memories, life, death, and so much more-and on that night, he had asked her to stay. They were not yet ready to take that step beyond friendship, but he had asked her to extend her leave and remain with him and Saavik. Had that been the beginning? That innocent night, when they had enjoyed one another's company so much they had not wanted it to end?

She looked over at Saavik and remembered the energetic little girl who had brought them together. That little girl was gone, and Uhura's chest swelled as she looked at the beautiful young woman who had taken her place, unashamedly standing at attention with a tear sliding down her cheek. She, Uhura, had loved Spock so much, and so had Saavik. Her eyes swept beyond Saavik to Sulu, Chekov, Scott, the students, McCoy, Kirk...

Spock, who had found it so hard to let someone love him, had nevertheless been loved by so many. It was fitting that this group of fallible, illogical humans and one lost, abandoned girl who had needed him more than anyone else in the universe had needed him be the ones to finally say goodbye.

The casket reached the end of the bay, and Uhura braced herself when the order was given to fire. One moment it was there, the casing sleek and shiny and strangely appropriate, and the next moment it was gone, the entire chamber shaking as the missile was launched into space.

They all stood, waiting for the reverberation of the bagpipes to fade and the floor to cease quaking beneath their feet. When all was silent and still again, they turned and filed from the room.

End part 2


	10. Chapter 10

The Kobayashi Maru III, chapter 1

Alone. She was so alone.

Seated on the sofa with only a single table lamp to light the dark room, Uhura stared at the wall. She was back on Earth now, living from a suitcase in her own home, and she had no idea where she would go next.

The Enterprise was to be decommissioned. The damage from the battle was too great, and it was time for the next generation of mighty ships to patrol the heavens. Scotty alternated between fury and depression, and Admiral Kirk had voiced many heartfelt objections, but she... She didn't really care. She loved the ship and all it stood for, and she didn't want to see her friends hurt, but the Enterprise held nothing for her anymore. It had been the source of the best years of her life, but, knowing that Spock would never be there waiting for her, she didn't want to ever set foot on board again. Selfish? Maybe. Self-pitying? Definitely. But it was the truth.

Spock...

A piercing pain gripped her chest at the thought of his name, but she didn't do anything to push it away. It wasn't much different than the numb, aching sense of loss that hovered over every second of every day, so why bother? If she really wanted to torment herself, all she had to do was imagine what it would be like to turn and find him seated beside her, all she had to do was think of how his body would feel in her arms. There were many levels to her pain. It was just a matter of degree.

She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the back of the sofa, remembering that conversation when he had said he wanted her back. They had been working late in his quarters, snacking on grapes and going over cadet assignments. She had looked up to see him watching her, and when she asked him what he was doing, he had stunned her with his reply.

_I am remembering what it felt like when you used to touch me_.

Just like that, he had swept past her defenses and burst back into her life. He had told her everything that night. Pon farr, and how he had used it as a scapegoat for all his bigger fears. The disastrous end of his relationship with Helen, and how he had used it as a springboard into understanding his true feelings. His desire to have her back, and his certainty that it would be better this time. She had been too afraid, however, and she had protected herself from the possibility of being hurt again.

Just like she'd protected herself when she took the Kobayashi Maru test so many years ago.

She'd felt so wise at twenty-one, but now she knew that she'd barely been more than a child. She'd been so cautious about venturing into the unknown that she had refused to take the ship into the neutral zone. Spock had even tried to point out the similarities between her performance on that test and her indecision over him. She was afraid, he had said, but she must find the strength to move beyond that fear. Sometimes one must accept the consequences of making a poor decision, but even worse was accepting the consequences of a decision not made at all. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He hadn't said those last words-they were something she had told herself ever since her last year at the Academy, but she hadn't even listened to her own advice.

She couldn't resist replaying the conversation of that night, this time imagining a very different ending...

Very close, he entreated, "Give me another chance, Nyota."

She reminded him of what he had done before. "You hurt me."

He acknowledged their shared pain but put it into the perspective of the here-and-now. "Yes, and you hurt me. But the pain I experienced those years ago is nothing compared to my pain now, if you say no."

He leaned closer, his breath tickling her cheek, and she closed her eyes when he kissed her. She put her arms around him, relishing the sensation of his warm, solid body next to hers. This time, when his fingers rested against her temple and his mind brushed against her own, she opened herself to him, and joyously they were reunited, body, mind, and spirit...

It felt so real, so _real_, and she wanted to hide away in her fantasy forever. But she couldn't. The reality was that she'd run away from him, sending him to his death without ever giving him the satisfaction of an answer either way. Why hadn't she allowed herself to move beyond their past? She was such a fool. He had grown so much between the time they had first met and the time they had become lovers, why couldn't she see that he had grown that much more again? Trapped in her old perceptions, she hadn't even considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, this time he knew more about what was right for them than she did.

Opening her eyes, she checked her chrono. Time to go over to Admiral Kirk's. She was tempted to call and cancel, but she knew that she couldn't stay away.

She rose and turned off the light.

...

Standing in Admiral Kirk's kitchen, she examined the selection of bottles arranged on the counter. Nothing looked very appealing. Maybe Admiral Kirk had some juice or something. She wandered over to the cooler to take a look.

"Need something?"

She glanced up to see Kirk beside her. "Oh, sorry. I hope you don't mind, but I thought you might have something to drink besides the hard stuff."

"How about some coffee?"

"Do you have decaf?"

"Yes, sure."

She leaned against the counter while he fixed the coffee, and listened to Chekov and Sulu in the other room as they talked about this afternoon's briefing with Starfleet Commander Morrow.

"So, how are you doing?" Kirk's voice was casual, but she could see the concern behind his words.

"I don't know. I feel a lot of grief, a lot of guilt, some anger that he did this to us. Just about what you'd expect, I suppose. You?"

"Pretty much the same."

Accepting her drink, she sipped. "This is good. Thanks."

"You're welcome." He studied her face. "I hope that you don't still feel like you let him down. I've thought quite a bit about what you told me when we sealed Spock's quarters. I have to confess that it surprised me at first, since he hadn't even hinted that anything had changed between you. After I considered it, though, I realized that it wasn't a surprise at all. I knew that he'd never gotten over you. I suppose the part that surprised me was that he'd acted on it so soon after, er, after..."

"Helen."

"Uh, right. I mean, after you and he split up, he retreated so far that I didn't think he'd ever try again. As it as, it took him, what, five years? Six?"

She smiled sadly. "Somehow, his experience with Helen seemed to clarify a lot of things for him. I'd never known him to be so confident and self-assured about what he wanted as he was in that last week. It was a wonderful thing to see. I'm sorry that he couldn't enjoy his new-found assurance longer."

Nodding, Kirk dropped his eyes and turned toward the other room. "Come with me. I think it's time to drink a toast. I'll fix something small, and then you can go back to your coffee."

She followed him into the other room as he rounded up the others. Pouring four small vials of some sort of fruity liqueur, he handed them out, and raised his glass.

"To absent friends."

They all touched glasses and drank, and her mind wandered as she remembered another toast. She'd almost forgotten about it, but the first time she had encountered Spock after they broke up, Kirk had proposed a toast to old friends. He'd ostensibly been honoring the people who had gathered in his apartment, but she'd known it was for her and Spock. That had been a good day. She'd been nervous about seeing Spock again, but they'd begun rebuilding their relationship that evening. Everyone had been well and happy-quite a departure from today.

She tuned back into the discussion and realized that they were talking about the decommissioning of the Enterprise. She waited for a break, then approached Kirk.

Her voice low, she asked, "Sir, about Dr. McCoy-how is he?"

"He's at his home resting comfortably, pumped full of tranquilizers. They say it's exhaustion. He promised he'd stay put. Well, we'll see." He glanced up at a signal from his door. "Ah, Mr. Scott. Come."

They all turned when the door slid open, but it definitely wasn't Scotty. A dark, mysterious man in a Vulcan robe stood in the hallway, his features hidden by a heavy hood. Uhura felt her heart skip a beat, but of course the figure was much too stocky to be Spock. Slowly, the man pulled back his hood.

Kirk's eyes widened. "Sarek."

Sarek stalked into the room. He had struck Uhura as a highly polished, civilized man when she met him all those years ago, but the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end when she watched the man who came here today. This man was not at peace, and seemed to carry the implacability of all Vulcan on his shoulders.

Quickly recovering, Kirk said, "Ambassador, I had no idea you were here. I believe you know my crew."

Sarek's eyes never left Kirk's. "I will speak with you alone, Kirk."

At a gesture from Kirk, Uhura fell into step with Sulu and Chekov. She met Kirk's eyes meaningfully as she walked toward the door, hoping to impart the message that she wanted him to call her later. He nodded tightly to let her know he understood, but his attention was already on Sarek.

...

Looking up quickly at the sound of the doorbell, Uhura jumped from the sofa and ran to the door. Even though she'd expected him to call, this had to be Kirk. Her heart pounded as she wondered what had compelled him to actually come here in person.

She opened the door and ushered him in. "Please let me take your jacket."

He handed it to her without a word, then followed her over to the sofa and seated himself beside her. It was clear that he was tightly wound, but she couldn't tell if he was upset or excited. She didn't speak as she tried to interpret the expression on his face.

Finally, he leaned close. "He's not gone, Uhura."

Sitting back as if he had slapped her, she choked out, "What?"

"He's not gone. Not entirely." He opened his mouth, struggling for words as he ran both hands through his hair. "Sarek called it a katra. It's not just a mind, but something akin to what we'd consider a soul. When a Vulcan dies, he transfers it via a mind-meld to someone else for safe-keeping. That's why Sarek came to me."

She blinked as she struggled to understand. "Are you saying that Spock transferred his... his... katra to someone? And that we can retrieve it? Part of him still exists?" Her voice had risen into the upper register on her last words, but she couldn't control it.

Kirk grasped her firmly on the arm. "He won't be as we knew him. Ever again. But some part of him does survive."

She came to her feet and paced across the room, shaking her head. "Where is it? He? What... whatever. What will happen to him? Can we communicate with him? Does he still have conscious thought? Does he know how badly we miss him?" She whirled toward Kirk. "Tell me, who has his katra?"

"Someone he was able to touch before he died. Dr. McCoy."

Sitting heavily beside him, she felt tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. Of course. Dr. McCoy. "So that's why he's been acting so odd."

"Yes. He doesn't even know what he's carrying around in his head."

She took a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm herself. "You haven't told him yet?"

"No. I came straight here and don't plan to call him until I know more. It gets complicated, Uhura. Normally, we would take McCoy to Vulcan and allow the adepts to untangle what's in his mind, but I learned something else startling from Sarek this evening."

She paused, almost afraid to hear it. "What?"

"Saavik and David Marcus found Spock's tube. I don't know any details yet, but evidently it soft-landed on the Genesis planet and is intact."

"I don't understand. What does that have to do with it?"

"Evidently, there's such a strong link between the body and the mind that we have to bring both Spock's body and Dr. McCoy to Vulcan. I'm on my way to see Morrow. Chekov and Sulu are meeting me there, and we're going to see if we can talk him into letting us have the Enterprise back. We're going to Genesis."

"I want to go, too."

"I knew you would. Right now, I want you to coordinate everything for us before we go. Call Scotty and see if he'll help. Call Vulcan and learn everything you can learn about katras. I'm sure that there will be more after I talk to Morrow."

"Okay. I'll take care of those things from here, and I'll be waiting for further word from you."

Kirk nodded and came to his feet. Before he could walk to the door, however, she rested her fingers on his arm. "Why did Spock's will say that he didn't want his body returned to Vulcan, if he was going to transfer his katra to Dr. McCoy?"

"I don't know. I wondered the same thing myself. Sarek thinks that he probably tried to leave final instructions with McCoy, but for some reason it didn't work. When we reviewed the tape, we saw very clearly that he told McCoy to 'remember' when he performed the meld. It was very quick. Spock was in a hurry."

"I know you need to go, but can you tell me what will happen next? What will become of Spock?"

"Sarek said that there's something on Vulcan called 'The Hall of Ancient Thought.' It's the final resting place for everyone's katra. On Vulcan, Spock's katra will be moved from McCoy to this hall, and his body will be consigned to the flames."

"So he'll still be lost to us."

He regarded her for a long moment. "Yes. He'll still be lost to us. But he'll have a future, and right now, I think that's a pretty incredible thing to expect."

Catching her lip between her teeth, she lowered her eyes. "You're right, it is. I guess I just got my hopes up for a few minutes." She grabbed his coat and handed it to him. "You need to go. I'll be here awaiting your call."

He nodded, then was gone. Leaning on the door after it closed behind him, she tried to sort out her thoughts. Was Spock dead, or was he not? Was it just a matter of interpretation? It was too much for her to comprehend right now. Kirk had told her to learn all there was to learn-maybe that was the best way to start trying to come to grips with this new development.

She hurried over to her computer and placed a call to Scotty.

...

Peering through the window, Uhura waited impatiently for Kirk, Sulu, and McCoy. Chekov had called to tell her when Kirk and Sulu had successfully whisked the doctor out of the high-security area of Starfleet Medical, and she was so afraid that someone might have caught them. After all, Admiral Morrow had refused Kirk's request to go to Genesis, and then they'd heard that McCoy was locked up for trying to do the same on his own. Where were they? They should have been here ten minutes ago.

Finally, she saw three shadowy figures jog up her front walk, and she had the door open before they even reached her porch.

"Oh, thank heavens. Are you three all right?"

"Yes, we're fine." Kirk looked behind him as they slipped through the door. "Thanks for letting us come here to hide. I'm sure Starfleet Security is watching our homes by now."

She motioned them further into the house. "I hope they don't think to check here. They might, you know."

Kirk nodded. "I know. We'll just have to keep the lights low and hope that everyone can get into place before it occurs to them to broaden the search. Did you reach Vulcan?"

"Yes, but Sarek had already squared it all away. He's on his way back now and will coordinate everything there. Scotty said that he'd take care of the Excelsior, and he and Chekov are going to meet us on the Enterprise at 0100 hours."

"Good."

When Uhura paused for breath, she noticed Sulu assisting a very shaky McCoy. She pulled her brows together as she watched the doctor, then slowly walked over to stand before him. His eyes were wide and confused, but if she tried very hard, she could imagine that she was looking into much darker eyes.

"Hello, Nyota." McCoy grinned weakly. "I understand I have something that might interest you."

She laughed, but it sounded more like a sob. "Yes. Yes, you do. Is he really there?"

"I believe so. Now that I understand, it's almost as if I can feel him. He's weak and disoriented, but he knows he doesn't belong here."

She swallowed and extended tentative fingers. "May I touch you?" she whispered.

"Yes."

Barely resting her fingertips on McCoy's cheek, she closed her eyes. She had never been able to initiate mental contact and knew that it would be no different now, but that didn't matter. Maybe Spock, wherever he was, would know and be comforted by her presence.

She felt a tear slip down her cheek but ignored it, instead concentrating on the simple feeling of her fingers against McCoy's skin. His face felt warm, almost fevered, and as they stood close to one another, his breathing became labored and shallow. Finally, she opened her eyes when she heard him gasp. His pupils were constricted, making his eyes look very blue even in this low light, and she felt him begin to tremble beneath her fingers.

Suddenly, he broke away, swaying and clutching his chest, and he would have collapsed if Kirk and Sulu hadn't caught him by either elbow.

"What? What is it?" she cried. "Are you all right, Doctor?"

Kirk eased him onto the sofa, and McCoy closed his eyes and rested his elbows on his knees. "Yes." He gulped large breaths of air. "Yes, I'm all right now, but a moment ago I thought my chest would explode."

"Bones, do you have your medikit?" asked Kirk. "Do you need something?"

"No. Just give me a minute to recover. Whew." He looked up, searching out Uhura's eyes. "My heart rate increased until it almost equaled Spock's."

"Do you think it was because of me?" She sat close but was careful not to touch him.

"Yes. I do."

"I can't go with you, can I." It wasn't a question.

"I don't know that this would happen again, but..." McCoy shook his head. "Spock's will is so strong, Uhura. He's beginning to push at me, trying to assert himself. It's going to be hard enough for me to withstand the pressures, but if we were to add you to the equation, well, I think it might just be too much for me. I'm not that strong."

"You're stronger than you think you are, Doctor, but I understand."

She glanced up when Sulu sat beside her. "You can't stay here, Nyota. Where will you go?"

The answer was obvious. "Vulcan. I'll go to Vulcan and wait for you."

"Yes." Kirk began to pace. "After you beam us over to the ship, you'll have to leave immediately. It's possible that Starfleet will alert worldwide spaceport security to watch for you, and I'm not sure that trying to find a private flight is the answer either. After all, McCoy tried that, and look where it got him."

She shook her head. "Don't worry about me. I know what I can do. My sister and I don't look that much alike, but we're probably similar enough that I can travel as her. I'm not on duty for another twenty minutes. That should be enough time for me to call her. I'll have her purchase a ticket and meet me halfway, say in New York or Boston. She'll understand how important this is, and I'm sure she won't mind giving me her identification. I'll just leave my flitter at the spaceport, and hopefully no one will notice it until I'm long gone."

"Good plan." Kirk sighed. "I'm sorry that you can't come with us. I know how much you have at stake."

"Don't worry about me." She was already moving toward her computer. "You're right that I would rather be with all of you, but not at Dr. McCoy's expense. Maybe I can do more good on Vulcan, anyway. Even though I'm sure Sarek and Amanda have matters well in hand, this has to be tough for them. I'll see what I can do to help."

Kirk nodded, so she bent to her new task.

End part 3, chapter 1


	11. Chapter 11

The Kobayashi Maru III, chapter 2

Feeling as if she'd lived a lifetime in the past four days, Uhura walked out into the huge expanse of the ShiKahr Spaceport. The flight had seemed so very long, but she knew that it was due more to her state of mind than anything. During those solitary hours on the shuttle, she'd finally had time to think about everything, and although she didn't feel any closer to understanding, she had reached a sort of acceptance over the fact that some part of Spock would endure. It might endure on a separate plane from the rest of them, but it would endure.

She hefted her duffel higher onto her shoulder and considered her next move. She had brought no more than a change of clothing and some toiletries, but she supposed she shouldn't be too concerned about that right now. The important thing would be to make contact with Sarek and Amanda, and see what she could do to help. It would be good to sleep, too. Even though she'd slept quite a bit on the shuttle, she was still desperately tired. Squinting against the brightness streaming in from the large windows, she looked around to see if she could find a taxi service. What she found, however, was...

Amanda.

It had been years since she had seen Amanda, but there was no mistake. The older woman spotted her and walked gracefully in her direction, and Uhura could only stand rooted to her spot, disoriented by the shock of finding someone here to meet her. Had Kirk taken the time to contact Sarek once he boarded the Enterprise? If so, that was an awfully big risk. She recovered enough to smile as Amanda approached, but she was still at a loss for words.

"Welcome to Vulcan, Nyota. I'm so glad that you're here, safe and sound."

"Uh, thank you. I'm glad to be here." She accepted a genteel hug. "I'm afraid that I don't understand, though. How did you know I'd be here? Did Admiral Kirk call you?"

"Oh no." Amanda chuckled, but Uhura heard the strain in her voice. "I put two and two together on my own. You have all created quite an uproar, I'll have you know. Although it's being kept from the public media, we've been listening via the diplomatic channels as the story develops. When I heard that you had beamed the others onto the Enterprise and vanished, I deduced that you were probably on your way here. After that, it was simply a matter of checking the passenger rosters. I remembered Spock describing his visit to your sister, so the name 'Milele Ajali' jumped right out at me. Please allow me to take you to our home."

Knowing that this was merely another twist on her recent emotional roller coaster ride, Uhura had to blink back tears of gratitude as she fell into step beside Amanda. "Thank you, Amanda. I'd love to go to your home."

"And I'm very happy to have you." Amanda seemed to wilt slightly. "It will be nice to have someone with me. Another human, especially someone so important to Spock. I'm afraid that Sarek is so caught up in everything that he hasn't had much time for me. And that's as it should be. There's much to be done, not only for Spock but also for the friends who have risked everything to help him. I'm still trying to come to terms with Spock's death, and having someone who understands the terrible loss... my strong, beautiful son..."

Her voice faded, and Uhura knew that she was struggling to retain her composure. Giving her hand a quick squeeze, Uhura said, "I know. I know how difficult this is for you. It's hard to believe that he's gone. Maybe it will bring us all a measure of peace once his katra is installed in the Hall of Ancient Thought."

Amanda nodded. "Oh, I hope so. I hope so, for him as well as for us."

They fell silent as they exited the spaceport and walked toward Amanda's flitter.

...

Much later that day, Uhura wandered down the back hall and leaned against the doorway to Spock's room. The entire house was such an interesting blend of Vulcan and human, and this room was no exception. Very plain and unadorned, the stark, unusual angles of the rooms and many of the furnishings contrasted sharply with the things Amanda had brought from Earth-a sofa, the painting on the wall over there, a bookcase full of old volumes. The effect wasn't displeasing, however, and it occurred to her that the house was very similar to Spock. Logically Vulcan in function and design, it nevertheless contained many unexpected human elements.

She moved into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. Although there wasn't much here that resembled a human child's room-her own room, for example, probably still had a stuffed toy or two in the closet, or a dusty old swimming medal pinned to the wall-she tried to imagine a little boy coming into this room to read or play. The desk by the window looked like it had been there for years and years. Had he sat there as a child and studied? Gazed out at the garden and daydreamed when he should have been doing something else?

She looked up when Amanda came into the room carrying two steaming mugs of coffee.

"Thank you." Uhura accepted one of the cups and scooted over to make room. "This will hit the spot."

"I thought it might." Amanda sat down, her eyes distant as she looked around. "Isn't it pleasant in here? Calm and peaceful. Spock used to spend hours here as a boy, working on his projects, practicing his harp, exploring the computer. He used to fill up his arms with as many of my old books as he could carry, and I'd find him sitting in the middle of the bed, surrounded and utterly lost in whatever time and place the story had taken him to."

Uhura sipped the coffee, closing her eyes briefly with appreciation. Somehow, she felt safe and sheltered now. Maybe it was because this was something her own mother would have done, but when she looked up to see Amanda watching her with such obvious sympathy and compassion, she couldn't keep her feelings bottled up inside another moment. Although she knew that she should be more discreet, the words tumbled from her mouth.

"I loved him so, Amanda."

Amanda nodded gently. "I know. I can tell."

"For the past ten years, he and I had been so tentative around each other. Our friendship was always strong, but we never quite knew how to deal with our feelings. Then, when I became his first officer and we worked closely again-"

"The two of you were drawn back together."

"Yes. You're right. Did he tell you about it?"

"No, but I always knew that he would turn back to you."

"Really? Was it that obvious?"

"It was to me, dear. Even when you two were no longer together, I could see his awareness of you-where you were, what you were doing. Did you know that he and I had a big talk shortly before you and he ended your relationship? I thought that I had put his mind at ease about so many things, but evidently he decided that his concerns were too great. I was very unhappy when I heard that the two of you weren't together anymore."

Uhura frowned and looked down at the mug in her hands. "It wasn't him. It was me. I broke it off. I thought that there was too much wrong between us."

Amanda was quiet for a long moment, but finally she said, "Then there probably was, so don't blame yourself. Maybe you both needed the last ten years to learn from your mistakes. I know that I'm prying, but as his mother I just have to know. Were the two of you happy at the end? Were his last months good?"

"We never got back together," Uhura said unsteadily. "He told me he wanted me back, but I never told him yes. The memory of what happened before was too painful. I see now that I made a terrible mistake, and I'd give anything, anything at all, to do it over again."

"Oh." Amanda looked away. "I'm sorry. I just thought... I assumed that he had found contentment with you, even if only for a short while."

Uhura leaned forward. She didn't know what she would say, but she couldn't stand knowing that she had let Amanda down. "Maybe his last months _were_ good, Amanda. It's possible that I'm just trying to assuage my own guilt, but he seemed so sure of himself, so secure. Even though I was torn, he knew that he'd done the right thing. And we had many, many good hours together, regardless. Every night, even if there really wasn't anything for us to work on, we'd quietly have a cup of tea. We were together almost all the time, actually. I wish now that I had allowed us to take that one additional step that would have brought us closer, but really, we were almost there. He was happy."

"Thank you for telling me that, Nyota. It helps to know that he wasn't alone at the end of his life."

Uhura nodded, gradually realizing that what she had just told Amanda was true. There was no need for her to feel so guilty. She'd reacted normally, and Spock had understood that. Their last months together were good ones, and the fact that she never gave him an answer didn't detract from that. He had been confident that eventually she would say yes, and he was right. She would have.

"Tell me, Amanda," she said. "You know so much more about the inner workings of the Vulcan culture. Is there any way I can tell him all of this? Before his katra is taken from Dr. McCoy, or once he's in the Hall of Ancient Thought?"

Amanda took a deep breath. "Only the adepts can commune with the inhabitants of the Hall of Ancient thought. You'll have a hard time convincing them to give him your message unless you have a logical

reason for it."

"I should be able to think of a logical argument. After all, I learned from a master how to mold logic to suit any purpose."

"Yes." Amanda laughed, finally sounding as if she truly felt like laughing. "Yes, I suppose you did."

Uhura smiled back, pleased that she had put Amanda's mind at ease. Before they could continue, however, Amanda looked up and the smile faded from her face.

Turning quickly, Uhura saw that Sarek stood in the doorway. "My wife," he said solemnly, "I have heard from Admiral Kirk. There has been an unexpected development."

Although his expression never changed, Uhura could see that he was troubled. "Let me leave you two alone," she said.

Amanda stilled her with a motion. "Is it about Spock, my husband?"

"Yes."

"Then Nyota should hear it, too."

His eyes wavered from Amanda to Uhura. Finally, he nodded. "Very well."

Uhura held her breath as Amanda asked, "Do they have Spock's body?"

"They do."

Sagging with relief, Uhura was aware that Amanda had done the same.

"That is not all, however. Brace yourself, my wife." He carefully clasped his hands before him. "His body lives."

Uhura frowned, not sure she understood. She quickly met Amanda's eyes and saw the same sense of stunned disbelief. Finding her voice first, she asked, "I'm sorry, Ambassador. What do you mean?"

"Just what I said. His body lives. It breathes. It circulates blood. It moves. But it is not him. It is merely a shell. You are both aware of the project Genesis, are you not?" He waited until they nodded. "It would appear that his remains were caught in the Genesis wave. According to Lieutenant Saavik, he was a child when she discovered him. Before they could leave the planet, he had aged considerably."

Uhura had to grasp the bedspread with both hands to steady herself as she tried to comprehend, but Sarek had still more to tell them.

"They were ambushed by Klingons who were searching for the secret of Genesis. A battle ensued, and the Enterprise was destroyed. A young scientist by the name of David Marcus was killed, as well. Kirk and company were able to commandeer a Klingon Bird of Prey, and they are en route. Estimated time of arrival is 2100 hours on the day after tomorrow."

Closing her eyes, Amanda rubbed a trembling hand across her forehead. "Sarek, what does it mean?"

"It means, Amanda, that we must consider the fal tor pan. The refusion."

Amanda nodded with apparent understanding, but Uhura was lost. "What's the refusion?" she cried.

His eyes tormented, Sarek turned to her and said, "The rejoining of his mind and body. Our son, returned to us, whole once again."

Uhura could only stare, open-mouthed, as Sarek's words echoed through her mind.

...

The plain was utterly still and silent while they waited. Almost as one, the people gazed upward, watching for movement among the many points of light that dotted the sky. Uhura's eyes ached from the parching dryness of the night air, but she didn't want to look away long enough even to blink.

Finally, she saw it.

Descending upon them like a fearsome prehistoric creature, the Bird of Prey kicked up dust devils that whirled and surrounded them all. She watched it slowly settle in the dirt, and her heart pounded as the hatch opened. There. There they were. Tiny and insignificant in the shadow of the immense ship and the even more immense mountain, the group stood poised at the top of the ramp.

Feigning a confidence she did not feel, Uhura strode out to greet them. They looked as if they had been to Hell and back, and when she met Kirk's eyes, she saw everything she felt reflected there. Pain, exhaustion, joy, hope, hopelessness... She moved unwaveringly into his arms and closed her eyes when she felt his strong grip encircle her. She was all too aware of the still figure on the stretcher, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to actually look at him yet, afraid that she might fall apart if she did so.

When Kirk released her, she exchanged a quick glance with Saavik, who stepped away so that Uhura could take her place. They were moving now, moving toward the steps that would lead them up the side of Mount Seleya. Uhura concentrated on securing her grip on the stretcher and falling into step with the others.

Finally, she steeled herself and looked down, and saw... Spock. It was Spock. Tears gathered in her eyes, but they evaporated just as quickly. His hair was long and unkempt, and he had lines on his face that hadn't been there before, but it was him. She never thought that she would see his face again, but here he was, so close that she could touch him.

_Spock._

She whispered his name, unaware that she had done so.

End chapter 2


	12. Chapter 12

The Kobayashi Maru III, chapter 3

Rubbing her eyes, Uhura squinted up into the hazy red sky. It was hard to believe that the sun had finally begun to rise. She had sat here on the hard ground all night long, and she had long since forgotten the numbing chill that crept all the way to her bones. Instead, her attention had remained focused on the quiet drama before her. At one elbow lay Scotty, snoring lightly, and at the other sat Saavik, her eyes closed as she tapped into the mental energy that filled the air. Even though Uhura was thoroughly mind-blind, she fancied that she could feel it herself, crackling and humming and making the small hairs on her arms stand on end.

She jumped at the sound of a mallet striking a tremendous gong. Around her, the others stirred, and she wondered what was happening as she struggled stiffly to her feet.

McCoy came down first, escorted by Sarek. His face drawn, he approached Admiral Kirk and murmured, "I'm all right, Jim."

She smiled gently but craned her neck to see beyond him. A tall figure stood up on the platform, covered from head to toe with a white robe. He was surrounded by the adepts, but of course she knew just from looking at his back exactly who he was. She would recognize the set of those shoulders anywhere. She must have dozed off after all, for she certainly hadn't seen him rise from the stone pallet.

His head bowed, he turned and walked their way. She held her breath, expecting something momentous to happen, but he passed them without looking up. He didn't acknowledge them. He didn't even seem to notice them. Her face crumpled as she watched his back recede.

Before he had moved out of the area, however, he paused. The adepts who accompanied him took a step beyond, not realizing at first that he was no longer with them, but otherwise they did not react.

Slowly, he turned and pushed the hood away from his face.

Although his eyes were sharp and alert, she could tell by the expression on his face that he was lost, unsure and searching for answers. More than anything, she wanted to throw her arms around him, or to simply grasp his shoulders and force him to understand, but she remained rooted to her spot.

He moved in their direction. Walking down the line, he inspected Saavik's face, but Uhura saw no recognition in his expression. It broke her heart that he would look at Saavik with such total noncomprehension, but it was clear that he didn't have a clue who she was. When he continued on to Scotty, it was the same-not a hint of familiarity in his eyes.

Another step, and he looked at her. Although she didn't say a word, she begged him, pleaded with him to know her, to remember her and gaze at her with the softness and devotion she'd seen in his eyes so many times before. Before she knew it, however, he was gone. She watched as he studied Chekov with the curiosity he might bestow upon an insect on an alien world, and finally she slumped and turned away.

"My father says that you have been my friend," he said.

She whirled to find that he was addressing Kirk. _Please_, she hoped. _Be Spock. Be Spock, and not some stranger nobody knows._

"You came back for me," he continued.

"You would have done the same for me," replied Kirk.

"Why would you do this?"

"Because the needs of the one outweighed the needs of the many."

Clearly, that phrase was supposed to hold a hidden meaning but it was also clear that Spock didn't understand. He turned away, and Uhura saw Kirk's muscles tense when he checked his urge to follow.

Before Spock left, however, a glimmer of... something... flickered across his face. He turned back toward Kirk, his struggle evident. "I have been, and ever shall be, your friend," he said.

"Yes. Yes, Spock."

Spock blinked, and she felt her heart beat faster as he took another step toward the admiral. "The ship-out of danger?"

"You saved the ship. You saved us all! Don't you remember?"

Spock dropped his eyes, and she knew that he was deeply troubled. She stood frozen, not daring to interrupt, hardly daring to breathe.

Finally, he looked back up at Kirk. Triumph in his voice, he said, "Jim. Your name is Jim."

"Yes."

Kirk smiled, and Uhura felt a huge smile spread across her own face. The next thing she knew, Spock had turned toward them. He still didn't seem to quite grasp who they were, but Uhura didn't care. The cold distance was gone. Gone! The man who stood before her was Spock.

She rushed toward him, surrounded by her friends. Although she wanted to pull him close, she knew that he'd be overwhelmed by such a response. Instead, she contented herself by resting a trembling hand on his arm.

Her eyes stinging, she murmured, "Oh, Spock. Welcome back."

He met her eyes briefly, and she knew that he had heard her. He didn't respond, but that didn't matter.

He was back.

End part 3


	13. Chapter 13

The Kobayashi Maru IV, chapter 1

Running the back of her hand across her forehead, Uhura changed a line of code and started her program again. Damn! Gibberish scrolled across the screen, and she knew she still hadn't found the problem. They had been on Vulcan for over a week now, each involved in the effort to coax the Klingon Bird of Prey into behaving like something more familiar. When she had first tried out the communications console, she'd thought that modifying it to use standard Federation interfaces would be easy. _Yeah, right_. She'd been working on nothing but this for two days and didn't feel any closer to her goal.

She looked up at the sound of footsteps behind her. "Any luck?"

Scotty grinned. "It looks like ye are in business, lassie."

"Oh, thank you!" She leaned back in her chair and stretched. "You've just made my day. Maybe Klingons think icy cold showers are fortifying, but they were about to kill me. And those sonic showers the Vulcans use just aren't enough. Maybe I'm not 'logical,' but nothing but water will do for this heat and dust. You're a lifesaver."

"Think nothing of it. It was easy to add temperature controls to the shower in your quarters. Now, I just have to do something about the food packs. That Klingon food. Och."

She smiled sympathetically as he grimaced and put a hand over his stomach. Before she could comment, however, she looked up to see Admiral Kirk walk onto the bridge. His expression was somber, and dismay quickly crowded away any elation she had felt over the prospect of a decent shower.

Scotty sighed. "Still couldn't get through to him, could ye?"

"No. The adepts are adamant. They were very polite about it, but it's obvious. They intend to keep us away from him. I think that they're afraid we might 'contaminate' him." Kirk's voice was bitter. "I can accept that Dr. McCoy needs to stay away while Spock is trying to reestablish his own identity, but that just doesn't make sense for the rest of us."

Uhura looked away. "I can't believe they're doing this to us. After all we went through, they won't even let us see him."

"Do they think they can hide him away forever?" Shaking his head, Scotty moved toward the door. "Well, I must go. The Vulcan engineers are waiting for me down in Engineering."

"Of course. Go ahead." Kirk watched Scotty leave, then moved closer to Uhura. "I'm sorry. I wish I had better news for you."

"I know you're doing your best."

"I'm fed up with trying to reason with the adepts. It's obvious that they aren't ever going to listen to me. It's time to go to Sarek and insist that he get involved."

"I agree. When are you planning to talk to him?"

"Right now. Do you want to go with me?"

"Yes."

She saved her program, and they left the Bird of Prey.

...

Uhura gazed down the long corridor. Although the area appeared deserted, she knew it wasn't, for this was the Hall of the Adepts. This structure, carved from the living rock of the mountain, was where the adepts meditated, studied, slept... It was their universe. Except for the desert and the mountains, nothing existed outside its walls. It was home, family, life.

It was also the barrier that kept her from Spock.

Although it was out of the question, she knew that she could walk down that corridor right now and find him. The adepts had spirited him away after the night of the fal tor pan, and although Amanda and Sarek had been granted limited access, no one else could see him. The adepts had been very explicit in their instructions-Kirk and his crew were provided with simple rooms at the very entrance of the building, but they were not allowed to venture beyond. She and Admiral Kirk were defying those instructions by coming this far, but if they were going to speak with Sarek, they had no choice.

Before she was even certain that they had located the right chamber, the heavy door opened to reveal Sarek's aide, Tavik. He nodded, not showing any surprise at their presence.

"Greetings, Admiral Kirk and Commander Uhura."

"Greetings, Tavik," said Kirk. "We would like to speak with the Ambassador."

"Of course."

Without another word, Tavik turned and walked away. Kirk quickly met Uhura's eyes, then fell into step behind the Vulcan. Tavik led them back to a room containing nothing more than a desk, a few chairs, and Sarek.

Sarek looked up from his work but did not speak immediately. Uhura could see the lines of strain etched on his face and frowned slightly at the sight. Shouldn't he be relaxed now? Content to have his son returned to him, serene in the knowledge that all would be well? Instead, concern and uneasiness seemed to surround him, and she felt something ominous tug at the back of her mind.

Finally, he motioned at two empty chairs. "Please have a seat. I would assume by your demeanor that this is not a social call."

"No, it's not," said Kirk. "We're here to enlist your help in convincing the adepts to let us see Spock."

"I see." Sarek steepled his hands on the desk. "You do not agree that his interests are best served by your absence."

"No, we don't." Kirk inhaled, obviously trying to control his frustration. "He's our friend, and we want to see him."

"What if your presence causes him pain?"

Uhura hesitated, confused by Sarek's question. "Why would our presence cause him pain?" she asked.

Sarek shifted his dark gaze from Kirk to her, and she could see that he was choosing his words carefully. "The mind is a complicated thing, Commander. It is capable of storing so much. Indeed, every stimulus, every experience, every observation from birth until death is filed away. This is true for all of us. What varies from one individual to another is the ability to tap that knowledge and to utilize it. Spock's memories are there, locked within his mind. It is the job of the adepts to reestablish the pathways so that the memories will once again be accessible to him. Is it possible, however, that some memories would be best left unrecovered?"

"You're speaking of the memories of his death," said Kirk.

Sarek straightened. "Such memories are painful, even to a Vulcan. You cannot fault me for seeking to protect my son."

"Forgive me, Sarek," said Uhura, "but you can't possibly be saying that we should stay away from Spock because we'll remind him of his death. Don't forget that we might hold the key to his memories of life. They're all tangled up together. I don't think that you can separate them."

"Consider this. My son has always been somewhat 'conflicted,' if you will, due to his mixed heritage. It has been a great source of discomfort to him. The adepts see this as an opportunity to eliminate that source of discomfort."

"What?" Uhura fell back in her chair as if she'd been struck. "Would the source of that 'discomfort' be his human half? Maybe they see it as nothing more than an inconvenience, but that's not so. Ambassador, I'm terrified by this thought. You have to help us convince them to make him whole again."

"I agree with Commander Uhura," said Kirk. "That's who he is! You can't try to turn him into someone he's not."

"He is already someone he was not," Sarek said firmly.

"Maybe he is now, but-"

"No, Admiral. You do not understand. My son is not the same and will never be the same. That is a fact to which we must all become accustomed."

"It sounds like you've already given up on him," said Uhura.

"I simply wish to make the best of a difficult situation. Do you think that I am pleased with this? Do you think that Spock's mother is pleased with this? We are not, but we must accept what is."

"Ambassador," said Kirk, "maybe you have accepted it, but I have not. I will not. I refuse to accept it. And I'm sure I speak for Commander Uhura when I say that she won't accept it, either." Uhura could see the tension in his shoulders while he spoke. "Besides, I think there's more to this than simply protecting Spock from the painful memories of his death. I've always known that he was never the son you expected. Or wanted."

Although Sarek's control was rigid, Uhura detected just the shadow of a flinch. He'd been through a lot, but she found it hard to feel sorry for him right now.

Kirk plowed on. "You made mistakes with him. You never 'connected' with him. Could it be that this is your chance to ensure you get the perfect Vulcan son you always wanted?"

"You misjudge me, Kirk," said Sarek, his voice low and dangerous.

"Then let us see him. Prove that you want him back, just as he was! Allow us to remind him of his life, his real life, both the good and the bad. We are who he is." Kirk leaned forward, and Uhura could hear a note of triumph creep into his voice. "You said it yourself-your logic is faulty where your son is concerned. Maybe, in seeking to protect him, you're dooming him to only live halfway."

Sarek didn't react, and the silence stretched between them. Uhura knew that it might be wiser to keep her mouth shut, to let Kirk's words ring in the air, but she finally decided to take the risk and speak. She had to say this.

"Do you think Spock would choose to shut us out?" she asked gently.

Sarek held her gaze for a long moment, but finally dropped his eyes. "I caution you that he is not the same person you once knew."

"We'll deal with that," said Kirk.

"He will not understand how to interact with you."

Uhura tried to keep her voice level. "We'll be patient."

Sarek was quiet for a long moment, then said, "Very well. I will make the arrangements, and my aide will contact you."

Uhura smiled. "Thank you, Ambassador. You made the right decision."

Sarek rose, dismissing them. "That is yet to be seen."

Kirk nodded his thanks, and they left.

...

His hands clasped behind his back, Spock gazed out the window at the barren, dusty plain. His teachers had informed him that this was his home, and indeed the fierce red sun struck a familiar chord within him. However, he could not help but question why it seemed that there was another place equally familiar. A place that was not so barren, a place warmed by a gentler star. Even more fascinating was the fact that while he sensed that he belonged to both of these places, he also knew that he belonged to neither. There was another place, a place he could not yet define, that claimed that distinction.

He did not allow himself to become disturbed by the vagueness of this thought. To do so would be illogical. Disquiet was an emotion and served no purpose. He would wait, and perhaps someday the thought would solidify. If not, kaiidth. What was, was.

He turned away from the window at the sound of two sets of approaching footsteps. Although one trod more softly than the other, it was apparent that neither was Vulcan. Perhaps these were the guests Adept T'Kai had mentioned this morning.

He responded to a light tap on the door. "Come."

The door opened to reveal two humans, a man and a woman, standing in the hallway. They both appeared hesitant, so he stepped forward and motioned them into his room. To do otherwise would be ungracious.

"Greetings. Please enter. I am expecting you."

The two humans smiled as they walked into the room, but neither of them appeared joyful. That was the emotional state he would have expected with such an expression, but according to his teacher, the body language and facial expressions of humans were often at odds with their emotions. This appeared to be the case now.

The man spoke first. "Hello, Spock. We just wanted to see how you're doing. We've been worried about you."

"Thank you for your concern. I am quite well."

The woman approached cautiously. Her brown eyes were very large as she gazed up at him. "Do you know who we are?"

"Yes. You are Commander Nyota Uhura, and you are Admiral James T. Kirk. The three of us served together while assigned to the Enterprise. You, Commander Uhura, were transferred to the Lexington, and shortly after that James Kirk was assigned to Starfleet Command. Most recently, I was the captain of the Enterprise and you were my first officer."

She stepped back sharply, the smile fading from her face. Spock watched her, curious as to what had prompted her negative reaction. He had stated the facts as he knew them. Why, then, was she displeased?

"Are my statements erroneous?" he asked.

"You said that as if you learned it by rote," she replied.

"I did."

Kirk asked, "Don't you remember us?"

Spock allowed a slight crease to form between his brows. Evidently, he had inadvertently broached a sensitive topic. "Although my memories are vague and rather disconnected, I do remember you, Admiral. I apologize, Commander, but I do not recall you. Perhaps that will change in time."

She looked away, her distress clear, and an instant later they heard a sound from the doorway. Adept T'Kai stepped into the room to signal that it was time for the two humans to leave.

Kirk moved toward the door. "Your father told us that your memories are there-you just can't access them. Try, Spock. Try to remember us. We'd like to come back, and the rest of your crewmates have said that they want to see you, too. Would that be possible?"

"Of course."

Kirk nodded and ushered Uhura toward the door, but at the last moment, she stopped and met Spock's eyes. Obviously, she wished to communicate something to him, but he could not fathom what it might be. He opened his mouth to ask her if she wished to talk further, but she turned and left before he could speak.

He clasped his hands and returned to his survey of the scene outside his window.

...

He hadn't remembered her. He had looked at her as if she were an utter stranger, with absolutely no recollection of what they had once meant to each other. He knew Admiral Kirk, but he didn't know her.

Wiping away the tear that escaped from the corner of her eye, Uhura rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. Outside her window, she heard a mournful cry, the call of a creature that could only venture into the Vulcan desert at night. What would it be like to know only the fearful darkness, to instinctively understand that your life depended on your ability to hide yourself from not only other creatures but also the sun itself?

Today, when she and the admiral had reached the outer room of the Hall of the Adepts, they had found Amanda and Saavik waiting. Amanda had taken one look at Uhura's face and immediately known what had happened. She'd tried to reassure Uhura that Spock would remember someday, but her reassurances had only served to underscore the fact that he didn't remember now. Saavik's eyes had grown wide, and Uhura knew that the young woman had finally been forced to acknowledge the possibility that he might not know her, either.

The adepts insisted that except for his parents, Spock be allowed only one visit a day. Tomorrow would be Saavik's turn. Uhura had offered to accompany her, but Saavik had stated that this was something she needed to face alone. The next day, Uhura knew that Scotty, Chekov, and Sulu would visit, but she thought that they wouldn't be in a hurry to visit again. So, that meant that only Admiral Kirk, Saavik, and herself would be regular visitors, and she would be able to spend time with him every third day.

She couldn't wait to see him again.

End part 4, chapter 1


	14. Chapter 14

The Kobayashi Maru IV, chapter 2

They fell into a numbing routine as the weeks crept past. Each morning, they would rise and work on the ship. When the heat finally became too much, they'd seek the relative coolness of their rooms in the Hall of the Adepts. Sometimes they'd gather for meals or conversation. Sometimes they wouldn't. Every third day, Uhura drank a cup of tea with Spock, and every third day she came closer to understanding that nothing would ever be the same. What had begun as optimistic hope had gradually deteriorated into hopeless acceptance.

Today had been even worse than ever. Each time she saw him, she made a point to mention some shared experience from their past. She'd always been careful to keep her references vague, avoiding any mention of what they had really meant to each other. For some reason, however, today she had become reckless, and she wondered if she might have finally reached her breaking point.

"Amanda, this is killing me. I've been doing this for almost three months now, and he still doesn't know me. I keep trying to tell myself that I should be grateful just to be near him, but I'm not sure it's worth it."

Amanda smiled sympathetically. "I know, but please don't give up. He'll remember someday, I'm sure of it. You meant too much to him. I refuse to believe that it's lost forever."

"I don't want to believe that either, but maybe I don't have any choice. Especially after... after what happened today."

"What happened?"

Uhura leaned back in her seat and exhaled heavily. "Each time I've seen him, I've tried to think of little things from our past, fairly impersonal things that might lead him to remember without giving too much away. I really wanted him to come around on his own, without my actually telling him. Today, though, I guess I got frustrated, or maybe just impatient. I wasn't so impersonal. I said too much."

"May I ask what you said?"

"When he referred to me as his 'first officer' for the umpteenth time, I finally couldn't stand it any longer. I told him that I was a lot more to him than that."

She closed her eyes as she remembered her actual words.

_I wasn't just a fellow officer, Spock. We were friends, and at one time we were lovers! Don't you remember what it felt like to hold me in your arms? Don't you remember how we used to share the flame?_

And he had silenced her with his response.

_No._

Just like that. Blunt, unemotional, uncaring. No elaboration, no explanation, and no additional discussion.

Amanda brought her back to the moment. "I'm sorry, Nyota. I can see that he didn't remember, and I know that you're hurting. Please keep trying, though. The adepts are convinced they're going to retrain him in the Vulcan mode, and it's up to us to make sure the human in him isn't forgotten."

Uhura nodded. "I'll keep trying. I can't do anything else."

"I know."

Uhura smiled, grateful for the sanctuary of Amanda's presence in the otherwise uneasy repetition of her days on Vulcan.

...

Amanda stood in the doorway and watched Spock as his attention flitted from one computer to the next. Normally, her heart would swell with pride at the effortless speed with which he juggled these difficult questions, but now she knew only sorrow. She thought that he had been returned to them, her beautiful, brilliant, compassionate son, but this man before her was a stranger. He wasn't the person she'd watched grow from infancy through troubled childhood to fulfilled adulthood. The man she knew would never have treated someone important to him with cold indifference.

Was that part of him really gone forever? More than anything, she wanted to guide him, to nurture the gradual rediscovery of the joys that could be his, but each time she tried, he shut her out. He was always perfectly courteous and respectful, but she could see him distance himself. He seemed more in tune with these computers than with his mother and her untidy, unneeded, unwanted emotions.

Somehow, she would find a way to get his attention.

...

His hands curled into fists, Kirk walked toward the Bird of Prey. He wasn't quite sure how to take this latest bit of news. Maybe Spock had a point, but was this really the best thing? After he had left Spock's room, he had encountered Adept T'Kai in the corridor. The Adept had treated him with scorn, as if he himself were responsible for Spock's decision. Kirk had ended up siding with Spock, but deep down, he agreed with T'Kai. Was Spock really ready for this? Were any of them?

Boarding the ship, he found Uhura and Saavik working quietly on the bridge. They both stopped what they were doing as they watched him approach.

"Did you tell him that we were leaving?" Uhura asked dully.

"Yes, but he already knew. You probably didn't notice, but he was watching us from the ridge when we made the decision yesterday. He figured it out."

"Oh. I'm sure he was very polite about it, but he's probably relieved. Now he can concentrate on his retraining without our constant interruptions."

"Actually, he's coming with us."

Despite his concerns, he almost smiled at the identical expressions of stunned disbelief on their faces. Saavik was the first to find her voice.

"Why, Admiral? Did he give a reason?"

"He did. He stated that because he was present during the events in question, he should give testimony at our trial."

Uhura shook her head. "How much of it does he even remember?"

"Not much, but he said that it would be up to the authorities to determine if he could serve as a legitimate witness. I'm not entirely pleased about this, but I couldn't argue with his logic." He turned toward Saavik. "I hope this doesn't change your decision to stay. Remaining on Vulcan is best for you right now."

Obviously trying to hide her disappointment, she said, "I would prefer to continue spending as much time as possible with him, but there is much for me to learn here. I will stay. I suspect that you would not have allowed me to accompany you, at any rate."

He smiled gently. "You're right. You have a promising career ahead of you. No reason to risk tainting it by association with us."

"You understand that I am not concerned about that."

"Yes, but I am. And I'm sure Spock would agree."

She nodded. "Are you still planning to depart in the morning?"

"Spock says that he'll be ready, so I guess we will."

She came to her feet. "In that case, perhaps I can convince Adept T'Kai to allow an unscheduled visit on the grounds that I will not see him again for an unknown period of time."

"I already asked her, and she consented."

"Thank you, Admiral."

Kirk watched her leave, then sat down in Saavik's empty seat and turned toward Uhura. She had been silent throughout his discussion with Saavik, and it was clear that she was troubled. Neither spoke for a long moment.

Finally, she said, "I don't think that he's ever going to remember me. I broke down and told him what we used to mean to each other, but he didn't react. He didn't even care."

"Uhura, I'm sure that's not true. Give him time. It will come back to him."

"Admiral, with all due respect, I've given him time. I've given him understanding, and I've given him every iota of patience I possess. I just can't give any more. There's nothing left in me to give. I'd already decided that I'd had enough, and now..." Turning away, she rested her forehead on her knuckles.

He leaned back in his seat, surprised at the bitterness in her voice. "And now you're going to have to deal with him on a constant basis."

"Yes."

He studied his hands. She was obviously tired and frustrated, but despite that, he never thought he'd see the day when she would quit trying. Not knowing what else they could say, he rose and patted her on the shoulder.

"There's a lot to be done between now and tomorrow morning, and I need to tell the others about Spock. I should go now."

Her eyes closed, she said, "Thank you for delivering the news. I can tell that you're not any more comfortable with this than I am."

"No, I'm not, but he's coming with us and his reasons are good, so I'm going to proceed as if it's fine."

She nodded but didn't reply, so he took a deep breath, then headed toward Engineering to look for Scotty.

End part 4, chapter 2


	15. Chapter 15

The Kobayashi Maru IV, chapter 3

"Systems report-communications."

Uhura looked up as Kirk strode across the bridge. "Communication systems all ready, sir. Communications officer as ready as she'll ever be."

Kirk threw a quick, commiserative smile in her direction, and she could tell that he was relieved by her somewhat improved attitude. When he had checked on her first thing this morning, she had managed to tell him that she felt a little better about everything. It wasn't exactly the truth, but she knew that she couldn't let personal turmoil get in the way of her duty. If she didn't feel better, she'd at least pretend that she felt better.

"Nyota, it is almost time for me to go."

She turned to find Saavik standing beside her. "I know, honey. Enjoy your time on Vulcan. Don't worry about us. We'll all be fine."

Saavik didn't comment, and Uhura wondered if she was about to change her mind about staying. A moment later, however, Admiral Kirk called her over to say goodbye. Although Uhura knew that it was a private moment between the two of them, she couldn't help but watch. The background noise of the bridge drowned out their voices, but their faces said it all. This was a difficult goodbye for everyone.

Caught up in the interaction between Kirk and Saavik, she was startled to realize that Spock had entered the bridge. She self-consciously busied herself at her board, but she could see from the corner of her eye that she might as well not have bothered, for he didn't even spare a glance in her direction. Instead, he exchanged a few measured, polite words with Saavik, then moved to his station. The young woman watched him for a moment before dropping her eyes and turning away, and Uhura shook her head.

Couldn't he see how badly he was hurting the people who cared about him?

She, herself, was sick and tired of his new overly polite manner, and it occurred to her that if she had to deal with it one more time, she might just scream.

...

_How do you feel?_

Frowning slightly as he familiarized himself with his station, Spock pondered the words that had shone from his computer screens earlier.

_How do you feel? How do you feel?_

The question was irrelevant. He could not answer it. Indeed, the question was wildly subjective and there was no correct answer. When the computers had paused to await his response, he had turned to find his mother behind him and deduced that she was responsible. Clearly, she had wished to discuss it, but he had instead informed her that he was leaving, and she had dropped the matter. He did not have an answer for her at any rate, so such a discussion would have been an inefficient use of his time.

He returned his attention to his duties as the Bird of Prey rose high into the skies of Vulcan.

...

Uhura smiled at Scotty, who walked beside her. She was well into the third day of sitting at her station, trying to ignore the solemn presence who so easily ignored her, and when Kirk had suggested she take a break, she hadn't argued. Thank heavens for Scotty-he didn't know anything about what was going on in her life, and it was good to be with him. No looks of pity, no pep talks. Simply his cheerful, uncomplicated, undemanding friendship.

"I hope you don't mind that I dragged you out of Engineering, but I was hungry and ready for a break. This trip seems to be taking forever."

He chuckled. "Of course I do not mind, but ye should enjoy this voyage while ye can, lass. Even though it's not exactly a fine ship, it is a ship. Once they're through with us, it may be a long time before we're allowed on a ship of any sort again."

"True." She sighed. "What do you think they'll do with us?"

"It's hard to say. The charges against you are not so severe, but me?" He shrugged. "None of us are in so much trouble as Admiral Kirk. I would not want to be in his shoes."

When they walked into the Klingon galley, she was so intent on their conversation that she didn't even notice that the room was already occupied. Scotty did, however.

"Hello, Mr. Spock," he said hesitantly. "I hope we are not disturbing ye."

She looked up quickly to see that Spock was seated at the one and only table in the small room. Her mind raced as she tried to think of a reason to return to the bridge, but it was too late.

Glancing up from a padd, he said, "You are not disturbing me."

Although he obviously wasn't eager for their company, he didn't seem to mind, either, so when Scotty nodded and moved to the replicator, she followed. Moments later, she found herself sitting directly next to Spock.

Scotty stirred sugar into his coffee. "I have not had time to speak with ye since we left Vulcan, Mr. Spock. What do ye think of our little ship?"

"It is adequate for our purposes. Although the processing speed of the computers is somewhat slow, I have been satisfied with the level of scanning technology. Also, I understand that you are responsible for upgrading the memory banks, and I am most appreciative."

"Aye, it was a simple matter..."

The rest of Scotty's words faded from her attention when Spock picked up the salt and pepper shakers and put them beside her plate without ever looking away from Scotty. The gesture had appeared automatic-he apparently hadn't even stopped to think-but he had reached out, picked them up, and handed them to her. She hadn't said a word, but he had done it anyway.

Just like he used to do.

Her heart pounding, she stared at the small, utilitarian shakers. When her eyes gradually moved up to his face, she saw just the tiniest hint of a frown crease his brow before he dropped his eyes slightly, as if he had something tickling the back of his mind but couldn't quite formulate the thought. Finally, she forced herself to slowly reach out and pick them up.

He and Scotty continued to discuss the strengths and weaknesses of their little ship, but she didn't hear another word as her thoughts whirled around this seemingly minor event. She was convinced that he hadn't tried very hard to remember her, but could it be that the memories were pushing themselves forward anyway? If something hidden in the back of his mind had urged him to hand her the salt and pepper, could it happen again?

Her stomach in knots, she picked at her food and sneaked looks in his direction, hoping to spot another familiar action, hoping that he would finally realize the significance of what he had done. What did it mean? Did it mean anything? Everything? Nothing?

Soon, they were back on their feet and leaving the galley. Scotty walked with them as far as Engineering, but after that she was alone with Spock. She tried desperately to think of something to say to him, but her mind refused to cooperate, and before she knew it she was back at her station on the bridge.

...

Only one point six hours from Earth, their unremarkable journey had suddenly become less unremarkable. Readying his board for travel back to twentieth century Earth, Spock reflected on the message that had prompted this change. The Federation president had warned everyone away, stating that a mysterious probe's signals had disrupted the environment to the point that Earth would not survive. This message had been highly disturbing to the crew, so Spock knew that he could hardly be faulted for experiencing a fleeting sense of alarm, himself. After all, their unsettled emotional states could adversely affect efficiency. He had of course quickly suppressed his trepidation and concentrated on solving the puzzle, but surprisingly, the humans continued to operate at optimum performance levels despite their emotions. Fascinating.

He looked up at the sound of Kirk's subdued voice.

"Warp speed, Mr. Sulu."

"Warp two, warp three," counted the helmsman.

Kirk muttered, "Steady as she goes."

Spock raised an eyebrow, uncertain about the purpose of that command. Kirk did not react to his lack of response, however, so he decided that it was not directed at him.

"Warp four."

The ship had begun to shake ominously, but as Spock surveyed the bridge, he found that his crewmates were calm. Admirable. His attention focused on their behavior, he did not realize at first that the vibration of the ship had caused his padd to teeter precariously on the edge of his board. He tried to catch it, but his reaction was too slow and it fell to the floor with a clatter. No matter. He left it where it landed.

"Warp five. Warp six."

The shuddering of the ship became increasingly violent, and Spock found that he was forced to grip the edge of his board. Sulu continued to mark their increase in speed, his voice loud enough to be heard over the noise.

"Warp seven. Warp eight."

"Sir, heat shields at maximum," interjected Mr. Checkov.

"Warp nine! Nine point two. Nine point three."

Evidently speaking to no one in particular, Kirk said, "We need breakaway speed."

Sulu's voice grew agitated. "Nine point five. Nine point six. Nine point seven. Nine point eight."

Suddenly, a tremendous shattering sound caught Spock's attention, and he turned sharply at the sound of a shriek. Her hands in front of her face, Commander Uhura attempted to protect herself from the steam billowing from the side of her station. She met his eyes and shouted, "I'm okay! I'm all right."

He nodded, uncertain why his body's level of adrenaline had just increased. Trying to bring his physiological response back under control, he was distracted by Kirk's next words.

"Now, Mr. Sulu!"

The ship's shuddering created so much noise that Spock was unsure whether the helmsman could hear Kirk's command. Evidently he did, however, for the Bird of Prey leapt toward the sun. The air became very warm, and Spock knew that the humans were struggling to withstand the heat.

They whipped around the sun and began their journey back in time. He tried to monitor their progress on his board, but for some unknown reason, he became increasingly disoriented. Voices wove through his mind, accompanied by overlapping images that he did not recognize yet found disturbingly familiar.

_Touch me now._

_I never took the Kobayashi Maru test._

_Hell, I'd give anything just to talk to her one more time. To tell her goodbye and that I love her._

_You're half human. Haven't you got any goddamn feelings about that?_

_I suppose you want to commune with nature while we eat._

Suddenly, he blinked and found himself delivered back to reality. Around him his shipmates returned to life, and he understood that he had not been the only person so affected. He frowned, unable to deny that he was experiencing a number of troubling sensations. They seemed to have been prompted not only by the very concrete risk to Commander Uhura when her board exploded, but also by the less definable, shadowy scenes he had imagined during his fugue-like state. Something had stirred within him when he heard the Federation president's message earlier, as well.

_How do you feel?_

His mother's question came back to him. While he still would not wish to attempt an answer, he thought that—perhaps—he felt uneasy.

He pushed these thoughts away as the ship landed in Golden Gate Park. Soon, they would begin their search for the nuclear energy that would repair their dilithium crystals, the method that would convert their cargo bay to a tank, and the humpback whales that would save their future.

End part 4, chapter 3


	16. Chapter 16

The Kobayashi Maru IV, chapter 4

Chekov spoke into his communicator. "And Admiral, it is the Enterprise."

Imagining Kirk's expression, Uhura grinned while she perched on the rocks under the reddening sky and watched the sun creep ever closer to the edge of the ocean. The water murmured near her feet, and in the distance sat the mighty vessel that would heal their own ship. She felt wonderful. Joyous. Uplifted.

And she knew that Spock had looked up in fright when her board had shattered almost twelve hours ago.

...

Sitting on the front seat of the ancient fuel-combustion vehicle as it bounced along the road, Spock tried to refrain from touching the humans on either side of him. It was difficult, not only because of the roughness of the ride, but because Kirk was making every effort to be closer to the young woman instead of remaining on his side of the seat.

Kirk leaned forward, trying to draw Dr. Taylor's attention. "You seem to know a lot about whales."

She regarded him warily from the corner of her eye. "I'm a marine biologist. It's my job."

"Come on." Kirk smiled, and Spock raised an eyebrow at the warmth that had entered his voice. "It's much more than a job to you. I can tell! You have a real emotional attachment to the whales."

An emotional attachment... As Dr. Taylor grudgingly launched into a description of her affection for George and Gracie, Spock considered the fact that the emotion was reciprocated. As a matter of fact, when he had melded with Gracie, he had learned that the whales experienced quite a range of emotions. The entire emotional landscape seemed exceedingly complicated to him, laden with traps and pitfalls and unnavigable passages, but to the whales, it was all very simple. Uncomplicated creatures, they experienced uncomplicated emotions. They were fond of Dr. Taylor. They were devoted to one another. They rejoiced in their oneness, and in the newly growing life they had created together. They felt pleasure, and they felt sorrow. Whatever the future might hold, they felt confident in their ability to face it together.

They felt.

_How do you feel?_

Not pausing to consider his words, he stated, "I am not hungry."

Admiral Kirk and Dr. Taylor both turned to him with expressions of surprise, and he belatedly realized that he had interrupted their conversation. The deed was done, however, so he did not apologize, instead simply waiting for their response.

"Don't you want to have Italian food with us?" Kirk asked.

"No. I do not."

Dr. Taylor snorted and shook her head. "What is it with you two? Do you like Italian or not? We can find something else."

"I do not object to Italian food. I am merely not hungry. Perhaps you could proceed without me."

"Maybe Gillian wouldn't mind dropping you off on the way to the restaurant," Kirk said hastily.

Spock detected that Admiral Kirk was not displeased with the prospect of dining alone with Dr. Taylor.

She shrugged. "Sure, I suppose. Where do you live? I really hope that it's not way over on the other side of town, because the traffic can get bad this time of day."

Kirk smiled. "You can take him to Golden Gate Park."

Laughing, Dr. Taylor said, "Golden Gate Park? There's nothing there! Really, I don't mind taking you home. It won't be too much trouble. Please just tell me where you live."

"You would encounter difficulty delivering me to my home," replied Spock. "Golden Gate Park will be sufficient."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. I suppose you want to commune with nature while we eat. Well, we're only a few blocks away, so I'll have you there in a couple of minutes."

They sat quietly while she navigated the streets of San Francisco, and soon Spock found himself standing on the soft grass of Golden Gate Park. He waited until Dr. Taylor was no longer watching him then walked through the cloaking envelope and boarded the Bird of Prey.

The ship appeared to be empty. He found no one on the bridge, and upon investigation, no one in the galley or Engineering either. Finally, he encountered Dr. McCoy in the corridor outside the crew

quarters.

"You're alone?" said McCoy. "Don't tell me you lost Jim."

"Very well. I do not understand why I would wish to do so, however, since I did not lose him. We met a young woman who is in possession of two whales. Although he is dining with her, I believe that his true intent is persuading her to allow us to take them."

McCoy shook his head. "I should have known that a young woman would come into this somehow. Well, if anyone can 'persuade' her, Jim can."

"Were you successful in locating material for the tank?"

"Yes, and you should have seen us! I swear, Scotty can bullshit his way through anything. We're going to get a six-inch thick piece of plexiglass tomorrow. Sulu's arranging a method of transport as we speak."

"Good work, Doctor."

"Thanks. I guess I'm going to try to rest for a while now."

The doctor nodded and walked away. Spock watched him for a moment, dissatisfied with this encounter. It was not Dr. McCoy he had actually wished to locate.

Speaking hastily before McCoy could leave, Spock said, "Do you know where Commander Uhura is located?"

McCoy stopped, then turned slowly. Spock could see the doctor assess him in an attempt to determine his motivation for asking such a question. He began to experience discomfort, but he stood his ground.

A strange note in his voice, McCoy said, "She and Chekov aren't back yet, but I heard Scotty tell her that he'd beam her here, and then onto the nuclear ship as soon as she gave the word. Why? Do you need her?"

Spock blinked, uncertain of the answer to that question. "I am merely trying to ascertain her location."

"Oh. Okay. Well, she should be back any minute now."

McCoy continued to study him, but finally he turned and entered his room. Spock hesitated, then started toward the transporter room.

Why did he desire Commander Uhura's presence? Evidently, he and she had once shared an intimate relationship, but it was not intimacy he sought now. He sought... He did not know. His thoughts had become increasingly agitated since he left Vulcan, and his meld with Gracie had only intensified the turmoil. For some reason, he simply wished to be near her. It seemed, perhaps, that he might find equanimity there. He had nothing upon which to base such a perception, but something drew him to her nevertheless.

As he approached the transporter room, he heard Mr. Scott's voice. He increased his pace, but the ensuing hum told him that he was too late. He entered the room to see a few final sparkles vanish from the transporter pad.

Scott looked up and smiled. "Why hello, Mr. Spock. I just beamed Uhura and Chekov onto the Enterprise. Incredible coincidence, isn't it? What luck, actually getting to set foot on one of the predecessors of our own Enterprise!"

Spock did not even attempt to point out the illogic of coincidences and luck, as he wondered if the sensation he was experiencing now might be disappointment.

...

"Hey, Spock. Would you hand me that, uh, doohicky over there?"

Spock glanced up to see that McCoy was pointing to a location on the floor. He had never heard of a tool called a doohicky, but perhaps it was an alternate designation for the magnetic screwdriver near his foot. He picked it up.

"This?"

"Yes, that's it. Thanks."

McCoy accepted it and held it up to the ceiling of the cargo bay. He obviously did not know how to operate it, for he fumbled and nearly dropped it.

"Damn!" McCoy shook the tool. "How the hell does this thing work? Scotty? Spock?"

Spock set aside his own tools with the intention of coming to the doctor's aid, but Scott was quicker. Before Spock could resume his work, he heard the sound of approaching footsteps. He moved toward the door and met Kirk as he entered the cargo bay.

"Status," barked the admiral.

"The tank will be finished by morning," Spock replied.

"That's cutting it close. What about team two?"

"No word since beaming; we can only wait for them to call."

Kirk motioned wildly with his hands as he paced. "Damn! Damn it. We've been so lucky. The two perfect whales, right in our hands. If we don't move quickly, we'll lose them."

"In that event, the probabilities are that our mission would fail."

"Our mission? Spock, you're talking about the end of every life on Earth. You're half human. Haven't you got any goddamn feelings about that?"

Kirk stalked out of the cargo bay without waiting for an answer. As Spock watched him go, Amanda's words drifted into his mind yet again, and the associated sensation of confused uneasiness returned.

_How do you feel?_

Finally turning away, he murmured, "I do not know."

...

Uhura paused to rub her eyes. Things had been going so well! How could this have happened? She and Pavel had collected the nuclear particles and been only moments away from safety. She hadn't argued when he'd told her to go first, because she'd assumed that he would immediately follow. As the hours had crept by, however, she had become more and more convinced that something had gone horribly wrong.

She should never have left him.

Footsteps approached from behind. "Any luck, Commander?"

"No, Admiral." Without looking up, she keyed in a new range of frequencies and restarted her search. "I've programmed the computer to look for a number of key words, but I'm not confident it will help."

"What key words?"

"'Pavel' and 'Chekov,' of course, but those will only work if he's captured and they learn his name. I'm also looking for 'Enterprise' and words like 'intruder' and 'prisoner,' but I get so many hits on some of those that it's all but worthless."

"Commander." He waited until she met his eyes. "Why don't you take a break? You've been sitting here for four straight hours, and after such a long day-"

She shook her head. "Thank you, sir, but I have to keep trying."

"All right." He studied her skeptically. "Let me know, though, if you need to get away. You're not going to do anyone any good if you're too tired to concentrate."

"Yes, sir."

She forced a small smile to her lips, so he nodded and turned away. She watched him cross the bridge to the science station, and although she returned to her work, she could still see him from the corner of her eye.

Addressing Spock, he asked, "How about you? Have you located any other whales?"

Spock steepled his fingers. "No, sir. It is difficult to search from the ground. I suggest that we concentrate our efforts on regaining power. We can broaden our search when we become airborne again."

"Yes. That makes sense."

Glancing up at another set of footsteps, she saw that Dr. McCoy had joined them. He patted her on the shoulder when he passed.

"Scotty wanted me to tell you that the recrystallization is going according to schedule, and that there's nothing to be done on the whale tanks until we get the plexiglass."

Kirk frowned. "Why didn't he just call me?"

Folding his arms across his chest, McCoy said, "Because, Admiral, I believe that he wanted to get rid of me."

Kirk chuckled. "I can't say that I blame him, Bones. I heard you when I was just down there. You're not exactly the most cheerful person in the world right now."

"Well, can you blame me?" McCoy held out both hands. "Here we are, in the twentieth century, looking for a couple of whales. If we fail, we're either stuck here or we return and die, and all of Earth dies with us. Our entire fate hinges on this Klingon deathtrap, an admiral who's going to be arrested on sight, a Vulcan with half a memory, a doctor who doesn't have a clue how to build an oversized aquarium..." His voice

trailed away in vexation.

Uhura couldn't help but look up at his words. She knew that exhaustion was causing her to overreact, but her spirits edged even further downward at his pessimism. She'd felt so good only a few short hours ago, but now... Now, she wasn't sure they could pull this off. McCoy was wrong about one part of it, though. They wouldn't be stuck here. They'd return to the twenty-third century or they'd die trying.

"Have you forgotten all the times that we've been in worse situations, Doctor?" Kirk asked. "This ship might not be the Enterprise, but she's seen us through a lot, and I recommend that you keep that in mind. We will succeed, and I don't want to hear you suggest otherwise."

McCoy took a deep breath, then ran his hand across his eyes. "I'm sorry, Jim. You're right. It's just that... Well, I know I'm tired and cranky, but..."

Softening, Kirk said, "What's on your mind, Bones?"

"My nerves are shot from sitting around like this." McCoy shook his head. "Usually things either happen quickly or I'm in sickbay where there's plenty to do while I wait. This, though-this is killing me, Jim. I'm entirely useless, and all I can do is think. I keep thinking about the things I should have done, and how badly I'd like to see Joanna just one more time. What if we don't survive? There's so much I should tell her, so much she needs to know. Hell, I'd give anything just to talk to her one more time. To tell her goodbye and that I love her."

Pulling her brows together in sympathy, Uhura knew how he felt. Those words that were left unsaid, those actions that were left undone... The decision not made. Oh yes, she knew exactly how he felt. Remembering her own grief over having glimpsed the road untraveled, she couldn't help but look over at Spock.

And found that he was looking at her.

She caught her breath when she met his gaze. Frowning slightly, he was clearly troubled, and he looked at her with a question in his eyes. The next instant, Kirk clapped McCoy on the shoulder and Spock looked away.

"Come on, Bones. Let's go get a cup of coffee. We're going to succeed, and you'll have all the opportunity in the universe to tell her exactly how you feel."

"You're right. I'm sorry for being such a sentimental old fart." McCoy snorted. "Actually, I can already picture her reaction when I tell her all of this. She'll roll her eyes, and that'll be the end of Daddy's maudlin little speech."

Kirk gestured at Spock as he walked toward the door. "There's nothing else you can do here, Spock. Why don't you join us?"

"Yes, Admiral."

Throwing one last glance her way, Spock rose and followed them out of the room. She was too weary to try to understand why he had looked at her like that, so she refocused her attention on learning what had happened to Chekov.

...

Spock trailed behind Kirk and McCoy as they entered the galley. Something McCoy said earlier had seemed very familiar. Spock had experienced something like that, himself. He was sure of it. What it was, however, eluded him. The thought would not solidify, instead floating just outside his reach.

Kirk stopped in front of the replicator. "Do you want tea?"

Spock did not realize at first that the admiral had addressed him, but finally roused himself. "Yes, Admiral."

Kirk nodded and spoke to the replicator. "Two coffees and one tea."

Their beverages appeared in the slot, and Kirk picked up both coffee cups and headed toward the table. Spock reached for his tea, but hesitated.

McCoy had said that he wished to speak with his daughter one last time so that he could eliminate unresolved communication. He wished to say goodbye, and he wished to hear her answer.

No...

Spock frowned. McCoy had said nothing about an answer. From where had that thought originated?

"Spock? Are you coming?"

He turned to find Kirk and McCoy seated at a table and watching him expectantly, so he picked up his tea and joined them.

End part 4, chapter 4


	17. Chapter 17

The Kobayashi Maru IV, chapter 5

Rubbing the back of her neck, Uhura converted the display on her chrono to local time: 0153. Chekov had been missing for almost seven hours. If he'd merely lost his communicator, he would have easily found his way back by now. There was no doubt-something was definitely wrong. She took a deep breath and expanded her parameters to include the hospitals and the morgues, but she accidentally hit the wrong switch when she started the new scan. Feedback squawked from her receiver, and she yanked it out of her ear and tossed it onto her station with disgust.

"Damn it! Damn it all!"

"Having a few problems, Commander?"

She whipped around in her seat to see Kirk step onto the bridge.

"Sorry, Admiral." She wrinkled her nose in embarrassment. "I just made a stupid mistake, that's all."

He hitched a hip onto the side of her station. "If you're making stupid mistakes, maybe it's time for a break. You're tired, you're frustrated, and you've been at this much too long."

"I can't take a break. We have to find Chekov! He's in terrible trouble, I just know it."

Kirk motioned her out of the chair. "Maybe I'm not an expert like you, but I think I can manage for a while. Go. Take a break."

"I don't think-"

"That's an order, Commander. Leave, and I don't want you to come back for at least one hour. Understood?"

"Yes, sir." She reluctantly came to her feet. "I've already programmed it to-"

"I know, Commander. Go."

She grinned sheepishly. "Maybe a cup of coffee and a shower would be good right now."

"That's the spirit. Try to relax."

"Thank you, sir."

He nodded and turned away, so she had no choice but to leave. She paused in the doorway to watch for a moment, but he appeared to have matters well in hand. Good enough. He was right. She needed to take her mind off things for a little while.

She felt like a zombie as she headed toward the galley. Giddy with exhaustion, she wondered fancifully if she might be sleepwalking. Maybe she'd wake and find that Chekov was still with them... No, they were still returning from Vulcan and never had to travel back in time in the first place...

Hell. If she was going to fantasize about it, why not really fantasize? Their training cruise with Saavik had gone smoothly, and they never encountered Khan. They never ran into trouble and never had to fight. Spock didn't die. Any minute, she would wake up and discover that she was still on the Enterprise, and she'd run, not walk, to his quarters and tell him yes, yes, yes.

She shook her head as she entered the galley. No, this wasn't a dream. It might be a nightmare, but there was no doubt that she was awake. She ordered her coffee and carried it to the table.

Yawning, she sat down and tried to get comfortable. Not only were the chairs too big and hard, but she could hardly hold her head up. Maybe she'd fold her arms on the table and rest her head. Just for a few minutes while her coffee cooled enough to drink.

...

"Commander. Commander, wake up."

She groggily raised her head and tried to understand where she was. This looked like the galley, and, uh, there was her coffee. Oh yes, she'd taken a break from the bridge. The bridge! How long had she been asleep? She straightened with a jerk and only then realized that Spock was in the chair next to her.

"Spock! What time is it?"

"Local or ship standard?"

"It doesn't matter! Uh, local." She pushed her hair back with both hands as she tried to clear the cobwebs from her brain.

"The local time is 0204."

"Oh, thank heavens. I've only been asleep for a few minutes."

He tilted his head. "Would you not be more comfortable in your quarters? I considered allowing you to sleep, but your position was so awkward that I knew you would be stiff later."

"I'm glad you woke me. I hadn't meant to sleep at all. I'm due back on the bridge in less than an hour, and I just stopped here for a cup of coffee on the way to my quarters."

"I see. I was actually en route to my quarters, as well. Perhaps I could escort you."

"I'd like that." She picked up her coffee and stood. "How are things going in Engineering?"

He fell into step beside her. "The recrystallization process is slow, but our progress is steady. I see no reason why we will not have full power by the morning."

"That's good, although it worries me. If we haven't found Pavel by then..." She shook her head. "It would be inhuman to just go off and leave him, but what will we do if power is restored and we have the whales? What if every second counts?"

He looked at her as if troubled by her words, but when he finally spoke, his tone was as conversational as always. "Am I to assume that you have uncovered nothing new pertaining to Mr. Chekov's whereabouts?"

"No. Not a sign. Admiral Kirk is looking now, so maybe he'll find something I missed."

"I find that unlikely, Commander. I am quite aware of your skill with communications. Ah. Your quarters."

Distracted by the unexpected compliment, she stepped through the door as if this were merely one more time he had walked her to her quarters with the unspoken assumption that they would share a cup of tea. She was so tired that she acted out of habit, and she realized what she had done the instant the door slid shut behind her. Turning quickly to apologize for leaving him in the corridor, she found that he had followed her in.

As she watched, the realization of what he had done seemed to hit him, and she couldn't help but smile despite the awkwardness of the situation. He drew himself up.

"I will allow you to rest now, Commander."

"All right. I'll see you later, Spock."

He took two steps toward the door, but before it could open, he stopped. Neither of them spoke, and she held her breath while she waited to see what he would do.

When he finally faced her, she was stunned by the look in his eyes. The overly polite composure that she'd so hated was gone-the man before her was anything but composed. He searched her eyes, and she couldn't have spoken even if she'd known what to say.

"I wished to know your answer," he said softly.

She shook her head, not understanding.

He edged slightly closer. "I knew I would die, and I wished that I could speak with you one last time so that I could hear your answer. I do not remember the question, but I know that the answer was important to me."

Fighting to control the pounding of her heart, she whispered, "You asked me if I would become your lover again, and you were waiting for my answer."

His eyes distant, he tightened his lips and nodded. "Yes. That is it. You were uncertain. You did not think I could be honest with you, but I knew you were wrong..." He frowned, his voice trailing away as he tried to remember.

"Yes, Spock. Yes." She stepped closer to him. "I was afraid and I hesitated, and in hesitating, I failed. I failed, just like before. You tried to tell me that I was only repeating my old mistake, but I didn't listen."

"I never took the Kobayashi Maru test."

She blinked back a burning in her eyes at the echo of his dying words. "No, you didn't," she said shakily, "but I did. Do you remember? You told me that making the wrong decision was better than making no decision at all."

Looking away, he shook his head, and she had to restrain herself from reaching out when she heard the pain in his voice.

"I see glimpses... fragments of memories, but they dart into my mind and vanish before I can capture them. I am confused. I cannot ignore the stirrings within me, yet I cannot grasp what they mean. It is all so complicated, these emotions."

"Emotions _are_ complicated."

"But why? Why is that so? When Admiral Kirk and I found the whales yesterday, he assumed that we could do as we pleased with them. I, however, experienced reservations. They are living, sentient creatures, and they deserved to know their fate. I dove into the tank and melded with one of them. The experience made me think of you."

She looked up at him from under lowered brows, and the softness faded from her voice. "Let me make sure I understand this. You melded with a whale, and you thought about me."

"That is correct." He leaned closer, completely unaware of her reaction to his statement. "The whales feel, Commander. Their emotions are simple, but they feel many things. They know happiness and sorrow, pleasure and pain. They trust, and they love. I found it highly disturbing, yet intriguing. I remember a time when it all seemed clear to me as well, but now it is too complex. Every time I attempt to organize these sensations logically, I merely become more confused."

She smiled gently. "That sounds perfectly normal to me. You can't always compartmentalize one emotion from the next, and you can't always expect to understand your emotions with perfect clarity. The fact that they're complicated doesn't make them any less valid."

"It is not only the emotions. There is so much more." He shook his head again. "I seek... something. I know that I am incomplete, but illogically, the more I remember, the more incomplete I become. A part of me is missing and I yearn to become whole, but no matter how hard I search, it eludes me. Earlier, when I watched you sleeping in the galley-"

He halted as if afraid he might say too much.

"Go on," she urged. "You can tell me."

Still avoiding her eyes, he said, "When I watched you sleeping in the galley, I wanted to touch you. You were very peaceful, and it seemed that I could find peace, too, if only I could place my fingers against your cheek. I knew that your flesh would be cool and your skin soft, and I wished to feel that against my own flesh. Somehow, I knew that the answer to all my questions, to all that I seek, lay beyond that simple gesture."

Careful not to spook him, she slowly put down her coffee and moved close. "Touch me now."

He took a single hasty step backward. "I should go. You must rest-"

"I don't want to rest. I want you to touch me. This is the Kobayashi Maru test, Spock. We can go forward, or we can fall back. If we fall back, we may not lose anything, but we won't gain anything either. I vote that we move forward with no more hesitation, no more missed chances. This time, we're going to save both of us."

He studied her for a long moment, then finally, cautiously, lifted his hand. He didn't touch her immediately, instead pausing with his fingers so close that she could feel his heat against her cheek. Gradually, however, he lowered them until she felt just the lightest contact, whisper-soft and experimental. His entire bearing was focused and intense, and when she looked into his eyes, she saw that he was captured by the feeling of his fingers against her skin.

Her eyes fluttered shut as she welcomed his mind into her own, but when he made no attempt to touch her thoughts, she realized that he was content with the tactile sensations alone. He was drinking her in, exploring the contours of her face, relishing the sheer novelty of physical contact with another being. Her breathing slowed, and an old, familiar warmth stirred inside. Just being near him, feeling him touch her like this... Oh, yes.

Mesmerized, she realized that her arm had risen as if it possessed a will of its own. She gently covered his hand with her own and turned her face until her lips brushed against his palm. He gasped, and when she peered up through her lashes, she saw that his eyes were closed and his lips were parted.

He swallowed. Not opening his eyes, he said, "Ah, yes. I recognize this... this unrest. It is familiar. I have felt it before. Need... Physical, mental, emotional. A desire for oneness. A desire for that which completes me."

Her lips still against his palm, she murmured, "You said once that I completed you. Touch my thoughts, and you'll see."

Without speaking, he shifted his fingers and found the meld points, and she heard herself moan when he slipped into her mind. This was what she had wanted for so long. They stood so close to one another that it was a simple matter for her to press her body against his, and it seemed only natural that he would slide his arm around her back and pull her even closer. She could feel his breath against her upturned face, and her knees grew so weak that she might have fallen if not for his strength.

"Nyota," he said victoriously.

She could hardly speak for the catch in her voice. "Yes."

"I know you. You are Nyota."

"That's right, Spock. I'm more than just a coworker, more than just a friend. Do you remember that now?"

"Yes, but..." A shadow crossed his face. "There is still much that I do not know, and even more that I do not understand."

"It doesn't matter. We'll find the answers together." She backed out of his grasp and caught his hand before it dropped. "I came here to take a shower, and my intention hasn't changed. Join me."

"Is that wise? I see in your thoughts that you want so much from me, but I am not certain I can provide it."

"Spock." She tightened her hold on his fingers. "We don't know what tomorrow will bring. If this is the Kobayashi Maru, we might stumble or we might be ambushed by Klingon ships, but none of that will matter as long as we don't lose sight of our destination."

"We are unlikely to encounter Klingon ships while on twentieth century Earth."

She grinned. "Spock, _this_ is a Klingon ship."

He lifted an eyebrow. "True. So, are you telling me to 'damn the torpedoes'?

She felt her eyes fill with tears at his reference to their conversation of so long ago. Laughing, she said, "Yes! Damn the torpedoes, and damn what the future may bring. Yesterday is gone, and there might not be a tomorrow. All we know for certain is that we have today." Sobering, she whispered, "Come with me. Hold me close. Make love to me."

He studied her for a long, long moment. When he finally nodded, she tugged on his hand until he followed her to the shower.

...

The water streamed down her face as he spread the soap over her body, and he did not know if she was crying or if it was merely an effect of the shower. He relished the feeling of her smooth shoulders, her full breasts, and her flat, toned belly under his hands, and she leaned her head back as he spread the white, frothy soap over her dark curves then watched the water wash it all away again.

"Oh, yes. Spock."

She moaned when his hand moved lower, and he felt his own voice match hers when she grasped him, drawing her slippery hands along his length, reaching between his legs to cup his testicles. Not ceasing his rediscovery of her body, he bent his head and pressed his lips to hers. Although he remembered kissing her before, it all seemed very strange and wonderful to him now. He experienced a moment of shyness, but he gradually deepened the kiss as he gained confidence. She responded eagerly, and when he blindly entwined his index and middle fingers with her own, he knew that he could not wait another moment for consummation of this union.

Drawing her down with him, he sat on the shower floor. He gasped against the water that ran in torrents over his face, but somehow it seemed oddly appropriate. Soothing and cleansing, making all new again, it filled his senses just as she did. She knelt with her knees on either side of his hips, and he watched the water run from the top of her head and across her radiant features, the rivulets streaming between her breasts, the spray bouncing away in tiny explosions where it landed all around.

Grasping him firmly in her hand, she lowered herself, and he closed his eyes as he felt himself slide into her soft tightness. When he opened his eyes again, he found a smile on her face.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Because I'm so happy. I thought that I would never feel this way again, and it's good, so good." Her smile grew larger. "And because I really hope we don't both drown before we're done."

He ran his fingers across her upturned lips. "We will not drown."

As he studied her, he saw her joyful smile grow seductive, and a moment later she carefully began to move. He caught his breath at the almost overwhelming sensations, but soon he wrapped his arms around her back and shifted so that he could move with her.

Never breaking eye contact, he reached up and found the meld points again, and this time his entry into her mind was neither tentative nor experimental. Knowing what he wanted, he burst into her thoughts, and the relief he experienced upon being there was matched only by her joy in welcoming him. Plunging into her, surrounded by her, he felt her climax build, and when she exploded over the edge, he finally could not maintain eye contact any longer. He buried his face against her breasts, his hand falling away from her temple, and he felt her pull him close while he emptied himself into her depths.

Gradually, he became aware again of the water beating down against his back, and he straightened so that he could see her face. He did not know what to say to her, and he studied her expressive features as he struggled to find the words to describe what he felt right now.

Because he did feel. He felt much. He could not deny that the emotions coursed through him, but it seemed that he might be buried beneath their sheer intensity.

She looked into his eyes for a long moment, then placed her hands on either side of his face. "It will be all right," she murmured.

He nodded, unable to reply.

Finally, she leaned forward and kissed him. Her lips were soft against his, and he closed his eyes. All too soon, however, she broke the kiss and said, "Water off."

The shower dwindled to just a bare trickle and then ceased entirely, and he knew that it was time for her to return to the bridge.

End part 4, chapter 5


	18. Chapter 18

The Kobayashi Maru IV, chapter 6

Starting her series of scans all over again, Uhura looked at the chrono and realized that it was almost 0700 hours here in San Francisco, time for what used to be known as the 'rush hour.' People were rising, businesses were opening, and things were generally becoming more active-including the comm traffic. Even though nothing had really changed in her search for Chekov, she felt her spirits begin to lift despite themselves, and she didn't think it was due only to... that.

She smiled to herself as she thought about 'that.' She hadn't seen Spock since they had parted at her door nearly four hours ago, but she knew that he was working with Scotty down in Engineering. She could just picture him-his handsome face, his graceful movements, his intense, intelligent expression-and the mere thought made her heart beat faster. Everything that had happened last night seemed so dreamlike now, and she wondered how they would react to each other in the light of day. Would they feel awkward again? Shy, like a couple of strangers? He still seemed so lost, so unhappy-

Her board beeped, and she nearly jumped out of her chair. She expected this to be merely another false alarm, so her mouth dropped open when she saw what it was. The scan had matched Pavel's first and last names, and the band was emergency medical. Oh, Lord.

Trying to act calmly, she retrieved the message and listened to it, then listened to it again. The blood rushed through her ears as she played it a third time-she had to make sure she extracted all of the pertinent details. Finally, she toggled the switch that would connect her to the cargo bay.

"Admiral, are you there?"

Kirk's voice came from the speaker an instant later. "Yes, Uhura. What's wrong?"

"I've located Chekov, sir. They're taking him to emergency surgery right now."

"Where?"

"Mercy Hospital."

She listened while Kirk repeated her words. She opened her mouth to give him more information, but an unfamiliar female voice said, "That's in the mission district."

Who was there with him? She frowned and filed her question away for the future. It was more important to take care of Pavel right now. "They report his condition as critical. He's not expected to survive."

The sound of heavy footsteps came from the speaker, followed by Dr. McCoy's voice. "Jim, you've got to let me go in there. Don't leave him in the hands of twentieth century medicine."

"Admiral." Spock joined the conversation. "May I suggest that Dr. McCoy is correct? We must help Chekov."

There was a long pause, then Kirk said, "Is that the logical thing to do, Spock?"

"No." Spock's voice was warm. "But it is the human thing to do."

Uhura could hear incredulity in Kirk's tone when he replied, "Right." The ensuing discussion about Pavel's rescue drifted into background noise as her mind fixated on what Spock had said.

_It is the human thing to do._

The human thing. This, from Spock! What a simple, beautiful statement.

Suddenly, it was all too much-her relief over finding Pavel, the emotional roller coaster of the last few days, her utter exhaustion, the impact of Spock's simple words. Quickly turning off the comm channel, she covered her face with her hands and bent over her board, and the tears welled up from deep inside, loud, gasping sobs that wouldn't be denied.

"Damn!" Irritated with herself for falling apart, she repeated, "Damn!"

Thank heavens she was alone. She wouldn't want anyone to see her like this. Wresting back her composure, she shut down her searches and roughly dashed the tears away from her eyes. She couldn't stop thinking about what Spock had said, however.

_It is the human thing to do._

Her voice choked with emotion, she laughed and said, "Yes, Spock. Yes, it is."

...

Spock placed a padd on Kirk's chair and hurried to his station, aware that Kirk and McCoy had returned to the ship with Chekov. He glanced over at Uhura as he crossed the bridge, but she was busy and had evidently not yet noticed his arrival. Unfortunate. He would have preferred to establish contact with her, even if it was only a visual acknowledgment, but time was of the essence.

As he worked to restore the ship's power, he attempted to analyze the sensations coursing through him. His heart rate had definitely increased when he walked onto the bridge, and he assumed that it was due to Uhura's proximity. He had also experienced pleasure when he heard that Chekov was well and back on board. Finally, he felt a certain anticipation at the prospect of retrieving the whales and returning to the twenty-third century-perhaps this was excitement. Something ingrained deep within told him that he should fight this, that sensations such as these were distasteful, but truly... Were they? He felt his confusion return, making everything murky once again.

Sweeping onto the bridge, Kirk demanded, "Where the hell's the power you promised, Spock?"

He answered in exactly the same tone of voice. "In one damn minute, Admiral."

Glancing up at the sound of a quickly muffled laugh, he saw Uhura grinning at him. He held her eyes for moment, trying to understand what she found humorous, but they both turned away in surprise when they realized that Dr. Taylor had followed Kirk onto the bridge. Looking from Uhura to the newest arrival, then back at Uhura again, he raised an eyebrow at the expression on her face. Perhaps he, himself, had not expected to see the young doctor on the bridge at this juncture, but Uhura obviously had no idea as to her identity.

He watched her for another moment, then turned back to his work.

...

Shielding her eyes from the driving rain, Uhura clung to the side of the ship and alternated between watching the hatch and scanning the dark, choppy water. She had assumed that their problems would be over if they could make it back to the twenty-third century, but her sigh of relief upon arriving had been short-lived. They'd lost power at the same instant they heard the probe's signals, and their harrowing return to Earth had ended with a crash-landing in the ocean under violently stormy skies. Had they come all this way just to fail after all? There was no sign of the whales, and Admiral Kirk, Scotty, Dr. Taylor, and Spock were all missing. Where were they? They had to get out of the ship, because in just the short time she'd been out here, the water had begun to lap ever higher. This ship was going down, and it was going to take all of them with it.

She looked up at the sound of Scotty's voice to see him climb out of the hatch. He then turned and helped , and Spock emerged right behind them. They exchanged some quick words, and she could tell from the looks on their faces that something had gone horribly wrong. She waited for Admiral Kirk to step out behind them, but the doorway remained conspicuously empty. He must still be with the whales, but why? What was happening down in the cargo bay?

Leaning over as far as she dared, she caught Spock's eye and read his concern. The water was nearly to his waist, and she tried to indicate that he should climb up where it wasn't so deep. He shook his head, tensely refusing to budge. Obviously he intended to stay near the hatch until Admiral Kirk joined them, and Uhura knew that if it came right down to it, he'd go after Kirk before he'd save himself. She could only hope that she wouldn't have to watch the ship go down with both men inside, probably only minutes before she drowned, herself.

Suddenly, Kirk's head popped up from the water directly beside Spock, and she went limp when Spock quickly reached down and grabbed him. The admiral retched and gasped, and as Spock held him above the waves, she saw Kirk nod and look out at the water. Obviously, he expected the whales to appear.

A minute dragged by, then another. She wrapped her fingers around Chekov's shoulders but didn't look away from the water.

There! Was it...?

Yes! A huge beast slapped its tail against the water with a powerful splash, and everyone cheered. Goosebumps rippled down her arms as she realized that this creature, an animal she had never expected to see, now swam free in the ocean of the twenty-third century. A being that had been hunted to death was now given a second chance at life, and in its rebirth, it would give Earth a second chance at life as well. And would give her and Spock a second chance at living.

As if reflecting her spirits, the clouds parted to reveal the sun, and she had to squint against the blinding light that sparkled from the waves. Her eyes watered as she watched the whales, and she marveled over the combination of massive strength and carefree, jubilant abandon.

At the sound of a playful shout, she turned just in time to see Kirk pull Dr. Taylor into the water. An instant later, Dr. McCoy jumped from his perch, and when Chekov and Sulu followed, she didn't hesitate to leap in after them. Laughing, she surfaced to see that Kirk had climbed up onto the ship, and he and Spock were the only two still out of the water. Spock was clinging to the handholds, trying his best to avoid being dragged into the water, but Kirk tugged with all his strength and threw Spock in.

Spock came up coughing and spitting water right next to her, and she moved closer, worried that he might need help. He wasn't a strong swimmer even under the best conditions, and weighed down with that heavy robe, he might have real problems. When he met her eyes, however, she saw that she needn't have worried. He was clearly fine, and it almost appeared that he was enjoying himself. Really? Spock, enjoying swimming in the ocean? She laughed loudly, exuberantly happy and wanting to share her happiness with him. Before she could speak, however, he turned and looked up at the sky. When she followed the direction of his gaze, she saw a shuttlecraft emerge from the puffy white clouds.

Her giddiness vanished as she watched the shuttle descend. It was time to go back-back to land, back to reality, and back to the Federation Council. It was time to face up to their crimes.

End part 4, chapter 6


	19. Chapter 19

The Kobayashi Maru IV, chapter 7

Spock watched his shipmates walk through the door in single file. Their footsteps echoed through the grave, still silence of the Federation Council chamber, and he rose from his seat and fell into step between Kirk and McCoy.

Straightening his shoulders, he faced the Federation President.

"Captain Spock, you do not stand accused."

"Mr. President, I stand with my shipmates."

"As you wish." The president regarded the officers standing before him. "The charges and specifications are..."

Because Spock had already studied every word of this accusation in great detail, he allowed the president's words to fade into the background. He was very aware of Uhura, who stood just on the other side of Mr. Scott. Her initial shock at his action had been quite noticeable, but when she recovered enough to lean forward in an attempt to draw his attention, he pretended not to see her. He had known that she would not agree with his decision to accept their punishment, so her expression of disapproval was not a surprise. At any rate, the matter was not open to discussion, not even discussion of the nonverbal sort. Memories of his many years with these people had begun flooding into his mind at a phenomenal rate, and he knew that this was the only possible outcome. They had stood by him throughout his ordeal. Now it was time for him to

stand by them.

He brought his attention back to the moment when the President said, "Admiral Kirk, how do you plead?"

"On behalf of all of us, Mr. President, I'm authorized to plead guilty."

"So entered. Because of certain mitigating circumstances, all charges but one are summarily dismissed. The remaining charge, disobeying orders of a superior officer, is directed solely at Admiral Kirk. I'm sure the admiral will recognize the necessity of keeping discipline in any chain of command."

"I do, sir."

"James T. Kirk, it is the judgment of this council that you be reduced in rank to captain-"

Spock had remained at attention when the President announced that all charges were dropped, but he was so surprised by this development that he looked at Kirk. The other man's control was ironclad, and Spock hastily covered his own lapse by facing forward again for the remainder of the sentence.

"-and that as a consequence of your new rank, you be given the duties for which you have repeatedly demonstrated unswerving ability, the command of a starship. Silence! Captain Kirk, you and your crew have saved this planet from its own shortsightedness, and we are forever in your debt."

As the crowd applauded wildly, Spock stood unmoving, too stunned to comprehend the meaning behind the president's words. Kirk had acted impetuously in coming to Genesis-not merely disobeying orders but breaking almost every rule in doing so-and the Council had chosen to reward him? Could it be? He met Kirk's eyes and saw the same disbelief in the admiral's-or rather, the captain's-expression.

Before he could ask Kirk his opinion of the verdict, they were swept into hearty congratulations from every direction. People he knew well, people he had met on occasion, complete strangers-they all came forward, overwhelming in their enthusiastic joy. Spock nodded politely, outwardly calm but inwardly bewildered. Could it truly be this easy?

A commanding voice interrupted his thoughts. "Captain Kirk, Captain Spock. Could I have a word with both of you?"

He turned to see Admiral Morrow approaching, and he glanced over at Kirk before moving away from the crowd.

"First, I want to thank you," said Morrow. "As the president said, we are forever in your debt."

Kirk grasped Morrow's outstretched hand. "Thank you, Admiral. I know that you were ready to have my head, and I appreciate your generosity in overlooking my infractions."

"As Captain Spock might say, it would be illogical for me to punish the entire Fleet by removing you from service."

Spock nodded. "Very well put, Admiral."

"Thank you, Captain Spock." He turned back to Kirk. "So now we have a dilemma, Captain. The finest command team in Starfleet history stands before me, but they're both captains."

"I do not perceive that as a dilemma, Admiral," said Spock. "I offer my services as Captain Kirk's first officer."

Morrow smiled enigmatically. "I thought you might say that, which now means that I have a different dilemma. Starfleet's finest command team has been reunited, but they don't have a ship. I'm afraid that I can't conjure one up from thin air, but what would you gentlemen say if I told you that we have a ship in spacedock that's almost operational? One that needs quite a bit of work, but that also needs a captain."

Kirk grinned. "Would that ship also need a first officer, a chief medical officer, a chief engineer, a communications officer, a helmsman, and a navigator?"

"Yes, Captain. It would."

Kirk glanced over at Spock for confirmation, then extended his hand. "We accept, Admiral."

"Excellent. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go inform the others."

Kirk nodded with dignity, but as soon as Admiral Morrow moved away, he punched Spock on the arm. Spock raised both eyebrows as he turned to the other man.

His hands in fists, Kirk said, "Yes! We did it, Spock! We have a ship. I still can't believe it, just when I thought it would all be over."

"You may wish to learn exactly what ship we will have before you celebrate. I find it unlikely that we will be given another ship the caliber of the Enterprise, or at least not until we have proven ourselves again."

Kirk's eyes clouded slightly at the mention of the Enterprise, and Spock chastised himself for mentioning it. Before he could attempt to undo the damage, however, Kirk shook his head fondly. "Spock, there will never be another ship the caliber of the Enterprise."

Spock tilted his head, caught by the odd quality in Kirk's voice.

Kirk continued. "But you know what? That doesn't matter. We're all together. When I started the self-destruct sequence for the Enterprise, I knew that I was doing the right thing. Somehow, in the time since then, I forgot."

"Forgot what, Captain?"

"That a ship is only a ship."

"Ah. Of course. It is the people who truly matter."

Kirk smiled as he regarded Spock. "That sounded suspiciously emotional to me. Aren't you going to provide a logical explanation to go with it?"

Spock frowned slightly, uncertain exactly what he had meant. As he paused to consider, an excited laugh burst from the crowd. He recognized that laugh, and he looked up to see that Commander Uhura was speaking with Admiral Morrow. Although he could only see the back of her head, it was clear that Morrow had told her of his plans, and that she was pleased. And... she should be.

Slowly, the realization of what had truly happened began to solidify in his mind. They were together. All was forgiven. Tomorrow would be bright, as would be a legion of tomorrows. This elation that the others were experiencing-was it evidenced by an increased heart rate? A sensation of lightness, a desire to meet the future with confident expectation? Just as he had felt fright when the panel exploded on the bridge, just as he had felt sorrow at the thought that they might fail, just as he had felt pleasure when the whales surfaced, just as he felt a warm desire for oneness when near Nyota... he now felt joy. Pure, unabashed joy.

He felt.

And it was good. It was right.

He turned, searching for Nyota, but instead found a rapidly emptying room. He had been so caught up in his own thoughts that he had not even realized that everyone was leaving. His father stood at the front of the area, obviously waiting for an opportunity to speak with him, so he walked in that direction.

"Father."

"I am returning to Vulcan within the hour. I would like to take my leave of you."

"It was most kind of you to make this effort."

"It was no effort. You are my son. Besides, I am most impressed with your performance in this crisis."

"Most kind."

"As I recall, I opposed your enlistment in Starfleet. It is possible that judgment was incorrect. Your associates are people of good character."

"They are my friends."

"Yes. Of course." Sarek nodded. "Do you have a message for your mother?"

Spock paused.

_How do you feel?_

The words echoed in his mind. When he had first heard them, seemingly so long ago, they had disturbed and confused him. Now, however...

His features softening, he said, "Yes. Tell her I feel fine."

Subtle surprise flitted across Sarek's face, but he did not comment. Spock lifted his hand in salute.

"Live long and prosper, Father."

Returning the salute, Sarek said, "Live long and prosper, my son."

Sarek held Spock's eyes for a long moment, but Spock finally turned away and found Kirk waiting for him, obviously having heard the entire conversation. Kirk did not join him immediately, and when Spock paused, he saw Kirk's silent approval. Soon, though, Kirk fell into step beside him, and together they walked briskly through the rear exit.

His voice punctuated by the click of their boot heels in the empty corridor, Kirk said, "Everyone signed on, Spock-McCoy, Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, and Sulu. They're all waiting for us down at the shuttle bay. We're going to our new ship."

"That is indeed welcome news. Have you been given any indication as to which ship..."

His voice trailed away when they turned the corner. There, at the end of the hallway, stood Nyota, her face solemn. Both he and Kirk slowed to a halt, and Kirk gazed at him assessingly for a moment before walking onward.

"I'll meet you there," Kirk said.

Spock did not look away from Nyota as he nodded. Kirk patted her arm when he passed, but soon he had vanished through the door behind her.

They were alone. Neither spoke. Spock could see her uncertainty, and he realized that his heart was pounding in his side as they studied one another. Holding her eyes, he started walking, slowly and carefully. The corridor seemed very long, however, and as he moved, he gradually increased his pace. She evidently detected his impatience, for a smile slowly spread across her features, and she began walking in his direction.

Mere meters separated them now, and suddenly he knew what would happen when he reached her, and he knew that he would allow it. Without pausing, she threw herself into his arms, and he pulled her close. A small voice in the back of his head reminded him that an emotional display like this was unsuitable for such a public venue, but he did not care-the hall was utterly empty, but even if it were not, he was uncertain that he could have denied her anything. He closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair, and knew that this,

_this_, was right.

"You remember," she said, her voice muffled.

"Yes." He had to pause to clear his throat. "Yes, everything."

Finally, she relaxed her grip on his shoulders and he released her. Her eyes bright, she said, "They're waiting for us."

He nodded. "I know. We must go."

She gazed into his eyes a moment longer, and then smiled brilliantly and turned away. He followed her through the door, and together they walked to the shuttle bay.

End story

Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley.

The next story in this series is Time is the Fire


End file.
